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#196785 - 12/27/07 08:34 AM Letter to My Uncle ***Triggers***
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
This letter is to my uncle. Today, you are 39-years old. Happy Birthday! I hope you are thinking about how youíve spent the last thirty-nine years of your life, and how you hope the next thirty-nine are different. I wonder if you have regrets and if you are sorry for what youíve done, or if you have no regrets and are at peace with what youíve done. Are you still on drugs? Is your life still screwed up from alcohol? Do you still molest and rape little boys? Do you feel good about yourself and what youíve done?

I am writing this letter in the hopes that you too have found this website and are recovering from a world of hurt you laid on me and your other victims, if there are any others. I hope you read my words and you are sorry and disgusted for what you did or what you are doing. I donít hate you, and in fact, part of me still loves you, and I think thatís the part that has no choice but to love. I hate what you did. Do you remember pushing my face into the pillows when I was about six or seven years old, because I wouldnít and couldnít stop crying from the pain of your adult cock penetrating my undeveloped little boy body? Do you remember punching me in the stomach, slapping me between my thighs, and squeezing my testicles when I wouldnít do what you asked or demanded of me? Do you know how you made me feel or how I feel know? You probably donít even care, but Iím still going to tell you. This is who I am today;

I canít sleep most nights because of the horrible nightmares I have of the things you did to me in the past. I worry all the time that you will come back and start all over. I walk around with guilt, shame, disgust, and inner pain because a big part of me believes I didnít deserve a better life. Part of me believed you, when you whispered in my ear that ďlittle boys are supposed to make their uncles feel good and the pain was a good pain.Ē In my opinion, the only pain a child should experience is from falling off his bike, or accidentally twisting the wrong way while wrestling with a friend.

Do you know what itís like to constantly live in fear, to be afraid of anything new or out of the ordinary? Maybe you do, maybe you donít. I have an embarrassing reaction when Iím scared ------ I literally pee my pants. I try to hold it, but I panic and there seems to be no way around it. I canít seem to do anything or go anywhere without the thought that I might be triggered, and should I wear a diaper today just incase. Iím 17-years old, and I worry if today is the day Iíll pee my pants in public. Does that seem right?

Do you know what itís like to have to tell people about all the things you did to me? Donít you get how embarrassing it is to tell a complete stranger, your own grandparents, an aunt, a boyfriend? Do you understand why I am pissed off that I have to be in therapy and I have to recover from no fault of my own? Do you understand that sometimes I believe it was my fault, even though I was just a little kid and I had no power over an adult man?

Do you know whatís itís like to be given the gift of having the same feelings for little boys that you had for me? I suppose you do. My grandpa rescued you from a life of abuse, and he saved you, and you show you appreciation by doing the same things to me that were done to you. You couldnít even control yourself and be a real uncle to me, and to top it all off, you had to brainwash my own mom into thinking what you were doing was ok.

Iím not like you. I may have similar thoughts, but Iím learning of ways to channel my emotions, my thoughts and feelings into a positive direction. I know that itís not ok to act out what happened to me, and I know that what you did was all about power and control. I remember having the feeling of powerlessness and no control. I would never want to hurt a child the way you hurt me, because then Iíd be just like you, and thatís the very last thing I want out of my life. In fact, Iíd rather be dead.

I have found and participated in a network of support and love. It doesnít work everyday, and I still have thoughts I wish I didnít, but I know that I cannot give in, because I would let down that network of people, including myself. I am stronger than you ever were. I will be a better man than you could ever dream to be. And one day, I will love my nieces and nephews the way Iím supposed to. Not your way!

In closing, Iíd like you to think about what youíve done for the last 39-years, and think about what youíll do for the next 39-years. I want you to know, you didnít break me and I am not like you. I recognize the demons inside, and I choose to work them out of my system. I am no longer powerless, because I am willing to fight and battle every single day to improve my life and to get back all the things you took from me. Youíre day is over, mine has just begun.

Sincerely,

Joey




Edited by walkingsouth (05/27/08 09:42 PM)

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#196789 - 12/27/07 09:46 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: JasonSmalls]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Quote:
you didnít break me and I am not like you


That's right Joey. Your not broken. And your nothing like him. Your a great young man.

Quote:
I am no longer powerless, because I am willing to fight and battle every single day to improve my life and to get back all the things you took from me.


Thats right, you aren't powerless....you have all the power...the power to heal and make your life better.

Quote:
Youíre day is over, mine has just begun.


Welcome too the light my friend. Yes this is your day, today and everyone too follow you on this road.

As I have told you before you truely inspire me Joey. You are a brave young man and I wish I was able to start my healing at your age. Keep up the good fight.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#196791 - 12/27/07 10:15 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: James_dup1]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Joey, I am sincerely impressed with your letter and the insight you show. The battle is, at times, difficult but take it from a long time survivor, It gets easier and even gets good. His day IS over and "today is the first day of the rest of your life" point it in the direction you want it to go and surround yourself with loving, supportive people. YOU are right, you have the power.

Good job, Pal
I'm as proud of you as a brother can be!!!

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#196801 - 12/27/07 11:33 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: dancr6]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Joey:

I am so proud of you to be able to write your feelings down. You truly are a brave guy. I hope in time I will be able to put into words what my older brother did to me. I just can not write down how I feel about how he ruined my life.

It is so great to see a young man confront his perp and his feelings. Good for you.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#196816 - 12/27/07 01:07 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: KENKEN]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Joey,

you are so much more of a better man than your uncle will ever be - I am so glad that you were able to write this letter to your uncle

it was my uncle that did it to me too - I confronted him just a few years back - it was a major step forward in my recovery (even though his response was not exactly what I thought it would be)

getting this out will help you to move forward - it will help you to take back some of what he took from you so long ago

I'm really glad you were able to write this letter

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#196836 - 12/27/07 04:05 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: TJ jeff]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Joey,

I didn't read through all the text, but I am terrifically glad for you. You are good at this effort of courage.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#196849 - 12/27/07 06:35 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: alexey]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Joey,

What a great letter. That kind of thing is such a powerful way of throwing the blame back where it belongs and focusing yourself on your future, not the past. What he did to you was terrible, that's for sure, but you have shown him he didn't defeat you. That's perhaps the most powerful statement of all in your letter. Well done!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#196869 - 12/27/07 08:26 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: roadrunner]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Wow, Joey

This is really a wonderful and powerful letter. You have done so much for your recovery, and I think this letter is another huge step.

I remember waking up screaming routinely before I started recovery. I awoke my wife much more often. She's said that since I started recovery, those night terrors, whatever they were have all but stopped. I hope this becomes a part of your recovery also.

Keith


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#196905 - 12/28/07 12:49 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: KeithR]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Good work, Joey. I hope writing this has been a positive experience for you.

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#227080 - 05/27/08 12:29 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: WalkingSouth]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
Great letter dude! Very brave thing to have done.


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#227143 - 05/27/08 05:31 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: Nyjah]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
You are inspiring! I hope I can get to where you are now. Being young feels so old and waisted, like there's nothing left at all. like I've died before I ever had a chance to live. I used to call myself a stillborn teenager. I am no longer a teenager, but that is where I died not long ago. Thanks for giving me the courage to go on.


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#227256 - 05/28/08 12:01 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: LW1527]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
Joey,
I am so proud of you for being able to put this in writing. I know you hate to hear this and I apologise in advance but I so admire you. (ok you can curse me now), The thing I like most about this letter is the fact that you posted it for others who are struggling with feeling like you shared that were cursed by their perps and are stuck. You will give them hope that the cycle can be broken and they too can heal. I thank you from the bottom of my heart for that because you have given hope to people that you do not even know.


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#227258 - 05/28/08 12:29 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: Freedom49]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Hi Joey,

I don't know how I missed this post, made so long ago now. I just wanted to say that I recall chatting with you around the time you made this post, and that, at that time, I was under the impression that your story was totally different than what I see here. I had no idea it was like THIS.

First, you're neglected by your Mom, then you're made vulnerable to that perp Uncle of yours who was not only sexually abusing you, he was threatening your physical well-being as well. Takes a lot of guts to threaten a 6yo kid huh? Could I have a nice tall glass of PTSD with that? Then, AFTER your Mom figures out what was going on, she LETS IT CONTINUE. You got a SHIT deal. You're dealing with MANY different elements of abuse here, and they're all bad, except for one.

The ONE good thing to consider is that you're not festering in silence anymore. You're out in the open and talking about it with groups, a therapist, and your Grandfather. (you mentioned a Grandfather, is there a Grandmother in your life as well? Just curious) This is good BECAUSE all this crap you have to deal with now won't have the same impact on your life (trust me, all the older guys here will agree with me on this) as it otherwise would if you just let it go on unaddressed.

What gave me pause was when you mentioned your perp Uncle being the exact same age as me. I REALLY hope that you find the nerve to confront this piece of shit perp Uncle of yours one day. There is a place for people like him.


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#227260 - 05/28/08 01:58 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: Hauser]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Wow! Powerful! Everything I wanted to say about it has already been said, so I guess this is just a ditto-what-everyone-else-said post.
I'm no T, but I've no doubt that writing a letter like that has got to be a great recovery tool! Your an inspiring example of recovery in action!Thank you for that!

_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#227266 - 05/28/08 03:20 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: blueshift]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Who Will Cry for the Little Boy
by Antwone Fisher


"Who will cry for the little boy, lost and all alone?

Who will cry for the little boy, abandoned without his own?

Who will cry for the little boy? He cried himself to sleep.

Who will cry for the little boy? He never had for keeps.

Who will cry for the little boy? He walked the burning sand.

Who will cry for the little boy? The boy inside the man.

Who will cry for the little boy? Who knows well hurt and pain.

Who will cry for the little boy? He died and died again.

Who will cry for the little boy? A good boy he tried to be.

Who will cry for the little boy, who cries inside of me?"


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#227267 - 05/28/08 03:20 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: JasonSmalls]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
"I will. I always do."


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#227280 - 05/28/08 07:46 AM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: JasonSmalls]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I cry for all the little boys out there. Huge trigger for me to think to so many are being hurt. It threatens to overwhelm me every time.

Who will cry for the little boy?

I will too.


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#227329 - 05/28/08 12:29 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: JustScott]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Joey

as you can see - that's my signature line - and it always will be - untill little boys no longer have a reason to cry

I cry too Joey - it's ok to cry

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#227416 - 05/28/08 08:17 PM Re: Letter to My Uncle [Re: TJ jeff]
Freedom49 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/07
Posts: 2723
Loc: Washington State
There is a great deal of crying on this site. For many reasons and all of them valid, but this has got to be the saddest one.


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