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#19675 - 06/06/04 08:07 PM 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
Hi, I'm a 37 year old married father of three girls. I've been married for 10 years. For the past several years, my marriage has been going south. In my quest to discover what has been happening to me, I began to realize that my life has been a huge lie since I was molested as a child. My molestation was very severe and first began when I was 6 years old. I was molested for a period of 5 years by two men. They were both neigbors. I never told a soul about it until I married my wife. She was the only one who knew until recently. Several years ago, I met a woman co-worker who was also abused. She is the one who has shown me the courage to start facing my inner demons.

I have only just begun to scratch the surface of just how manipulated my life has been by my experience. How much of my life is a lie. I suffer from alcoholism and sexual dysfunctions. One of the major decisions I need to make now is whether or not to stay in my marriage. My wife "picked" me up in a bar and because I felt so unworthy to ask women out, I stuck to her like she was the only woman in the world. I have begun to realize that I would never have picked my wife if I hadn't been so affected by my child abuse. Am I alone with my marital problems?? Has anyone else out there found that they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons and the reasons were lies manifested from their child abuse? I have a long road ahead and my healing will cause pain for others. I have so much I want to say but I'll save it for other post.


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#19676 - 06/06/04 09:15 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome here. I am, as always, sorry that you must have this place, but I am glad you find it.

I am not married, so I truly can not relate to that part of what you are asking. I was always afraid of girls, and have had two girlfriends so far, and never gotten intimite still. But I am lucky that both I have had have been very good.

I hope that you will find support and understanding here. You are beginning to realize affects of the past on the present, and that is a good thing. I wish you good luck, and again, welcome you here.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#19677 - 06/06/04 09:21 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I am glad that you have decided to face this. I do not know what your current situation is with your wife, but it doesn't really matter how you met. What matters is how things are, and what both of you are willing to do in the future. A good relationship involves both people thinking of both themselves, and the other person at the same time. Communication is always key. Yes, your past has effected your entire life, but now, you have a chance to take control over that, and make a better future for yourself, and your family if that is what you desire.
We welcome you and will try to help you.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19678 - 06/06/04 09:24 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,

I wish you didn't need to be here. I'm glad that you are able to come here and you are working to get your life together.

I'm 43, with three kids, but my oldest and my youngest are boys. Our marriage was in deep doo-doo (I can say that here, can't I?) when I finally told my wife about the man who raped me when I was 16. That turned out to be the tip of the iceberg.

I fell in love with my wife the second I saw her. I pursued her, even though she was still dating a guy she had once been engaged to marry. I think that is a difference in our stories. But whether you will remain married to your wife or not, it is good that you are, as you say, "starting to face your demons."

It's not an easy process. It hasn't been easy for me or for any of the people I've grown to love at this place. But it's not impossible. The demons are not so strong as they want us to believe. Just by starting down this path, you have dealt them a blow from which they might never recover.

I hope that you will be able to get to a therapist who can help you with these issues. Many of us have found that it is very important to work with someone who respects our ability to survive and is aware of the hurt done to us. You might find that you can approach the issue(s) in your marriage with more confidence if you make some progress on the abuse and its effects (alcoholism, sexual dysfunctions) first.

Wherever your path leads, I wish you the best. We are here and you are welcome.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19680 - 06/06/04 11:27 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 262
Loc: MidWest
The name you have picked to use here makes me feel very sad. However, we ALL totally understand!!!!!!

Your pain and suffering, confusion and doubts are all a part of what each of us must go through.

Please seek out a good therapist. PLEASE do mkae any descisions about your marraige just yet. I think there might be more to her and her support than you think, I do not know. Divorce is such a major issue.

I recently posted that I asked my wife for a divorce because I felt I could not be the man she deserved and that all of my pain, depression, anger, moodswings, flashbacks, fear, et ctera, was NOT FAIR for her to have to deal with.

As always, I found MUCH support here, and my stubborn wife of 16 years said no way!

PLEASE stay with us, read the postings, go to the Professional site from the Home Page to read articles, post some more.

We are all friends and brothers due to our past and our pain.

Welcome aboard!

PEACE and GOD BLESS!

TJ

_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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#19681 - 06/06/04 11:28 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 262
Loc: MidWest
Oh, by the way, I was 38 when I first started dealing with this!

TJ

_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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#19682 - 06/07/04 12:16 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Welcome.

I was 37 when I first admitted to anybody that this had happened to me. The first was my pychiatrist and the second was my therapist I went to for depression over my failing marriage. The only reason I told them is because they asked. I then told my now ex-wife.

It wasn't until after I turned 38 did my T start working on my SA, until I was ready. I did my first work here until my T thought I was ready. I started out 38 as a mess, I will end it being so much better. It's never too late to go forward.

Take care and be honest with yourself,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#19683 - 06/07/04 12:27 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
my_own_prison

Is the name after the Creed disc?

I am sorry that you need a place like this, but welcome to the family.

I have no advice on your marriage, as I am still a bachelor. But I would suggest praying over it, if you are a spiritual person. You might be suprised what can happen.

Again, welcome to the site, and I hope your journey will lead to healing and a sense of peace!

Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#19684 - 06/07/04 12:36 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Welcome to our site.

I am 46 and didnot admit the abuse to myself until I was 40. I was abused by an uncle from 2 til 14, then another uncle verbally abused me after that. I totally blocked out all memory of the sexual abuse of the first uncle.

I am married and I know the abuse I suffered had affected my choice of a wife, but it was not a bad choice. Please give yoourself time to deal with your abuse issues and don't just try to sweep out everything in your life. your marriage may survive or not, but do give it a chance.

Hope you find this place to be the place of hope and peace I have found it to be.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#19685 - 06/07/04 12:52 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
yesac76,

Yes...It does come from Creed. That song speaks volumes for the guilt and pain I feel. It's so wierd. I was only 6 yrs old when the sexual abuses by my neigbors started. I know it wasn't my fault. Yet, for some reason, I carry the guilt around with me as if I was the one responsible for my abuse and the others after me. I don't know why I never spoke up. I feel ashamed of my weakness. Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence. I could have spared them the deceit and self destructiveness I and my loved ones have endured. How many more did they abuse after me? If it was just one more, it was one more too many. 6 years ago I did discover that one of them did get arrested. But it was years after I was an adult. Years that he spent defiling other children and forever changing their lives.


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#19686 - 06/07/04 06:37 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
welcome. i have struggled with marriage, on my second. i feared the day would come when i realized that i chose the wrong one. the thing i've learned is that there is no right mate. no two people are perfect for one another, but you can make a happy life together if you are willing to work.

before you make any major changes in relationships, first heal yourself to the point where you are making good choices for good reasons. then work on your relationship skills. you may find you have a wonderful mate, and arent seeing it yet. if when you have done all the work, it comes down to leaving, it will be for the right reasons at the right time.

you know, it is hard to find someone to support and nurture you through this stuff. the fact your wife is there and loves you, speaks a lot to her character. sometimes relationships that are good for us seem to lack the spark. they are more warm and comfortable than electric. our abuse is looking for something more that isnt out there, some perfect fantasy that isnt around. be careful of discounting what you have before you really know yourself.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#19687 - 06/07/04 10:11 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,
Quote:
Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence.
I finally talked to the police in March of this year about the abuse from 1976-77. I learned in the last couple weeks that the man who raped me when I was 16 later spent 30 months as a "House Father" at a residential school for troubled boys.

Shall I kick myself in the ass, or would you like to do it for me? Will it do those boys any good? Will it do you or me any good?

You did what you could when you could do it. Many men are reading the words you wrote and not yet able to do what you did. Many others do not even realize yet that they need to find this kind of help.

Make things better for yourself. I'll make a deal with you. Whichever of us first learns how to change the past will let the other know, ok?

Please do not underestimate the great strength you have to have survived such horror and seek a real recovery. It took a lot of courage for you to look at the past with open eyes. You deserve full credit for doing that.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19688 - 06/07/04 11:30 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
My wife gave me an ultimatum 6 weeks ago. Quit drinking or leave. I quit drinking. It has forced me to face my past. I have become reclusive and distant. My wife has already been dealing with this behavior for several months because I thought it was her that was my probem. I had spent several months blaming my wife for her inadequacies and now I spring my abuse on her as the real culprit. She is very angry with me because I have made her accept our marriage failure as her responsibility. I think she wants me to leave. I totally understand. I don't want this poison to infect my kids. I was so distraught Friday and Saturday that I self medicated again first the first time in over 6 weeks. I got drunk and told my brothers about my abuse. They didn't want to believe me. Then they wanted to minimalize it. Statements like "just get over it and move on, you have a good life now." and "how bad could it have been?" Well, I gave them a few details and they began to "feel my pain". My oldest brother is taking it the hardest. Of course he got drunk and then he said he wants to "eat my cancer" so I can move on. I told him no one can do that but me.

I went out and bought two books yesterday. "Wounded Boys Heroic Men" & "Abused Boys - The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse." I am looking for a Therapist today too. I am grateful for this forum. I don't feel so alone now.


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#19689 - 06/07/04 11:39 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi

Sorry we had to meet under these circumstancies, welcome to malesurvior anyway.

I hid my abuse for over thirty years it was aided by large amounts of alcohol and other chemicals. When I got some sobriety behind me it was then that I started to recall snippets of conversations, images, smells from thirty plus years ago and music triggers me like no other one thing.

Today I'm hanging on to my sobriety by the skin of my teeth at the moment, I'm having a couple of shi**y days (mood swings) and the abuse is as raw as ever.

Im not one for giving advice except this stay close to this room there is some wonderful caring people here and there is no catch. Just shared experiencies.

Take it at your own pace

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"


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#19690 - 06/07/04 11:42 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
BTW

Mic Hunters book "Abused Boys" is an excellent book. It helped me understand how and why I was feeling the way I was. It wasnt full of pscho-babble either.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"


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#19691 - 06/07/04 11:50 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Think about it carefully, but it may be beneficial to both of you if you ask your wife to join the Friends and Family section here at MS. There is excellent support here for her too. Keep in mind that if you do, she will be able to read any public posts which you make and vice versa.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19692 - 06/07/04 01:03 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
You could have written my story, it is almost exactly the same.

The difference here is that you started working on this at thirty-seven rather than my thirty-two and you still have a chance to save your first marriage where as I completely ruined my first.

Everything you are going through is absolutely normal. It sucks, but it’s normal.

I got the ultimatum on drinking as well. You made the right choice now STICK WITH IT! Things will be tough sometimes but stay away from the alcohol that is your first step. You are ahead of me in that respect. I quit drinking without ever knowing why I was drinking in the first place.

You seem to have decided to stay in your marriage since you chose to stop drinking, now begins your healing. It is a long road but it is well traveled by others, and you can make it too. Do you have a therapist? If not get one but read this article first:

Article on how to find a therapist

Show your wife that you are here and working on your recovery, and tell her that if you guys want to make this work, and you both stick this out and make the commitment to recovery, gradually over the next three to five years (give or take) you will become a man that’s even better than the you she wanted to marry in the first place.

Find a good therapist, use them, and remember, they work for you.

Stop self-medicating, you are worth it and you don’t need that junk to get by, if you have cravings try the supplement L-Glutamine. You can find it at GNC or just about any health food store and it stopped my cravings cold.

Keep coming here, you may feel you are addicted to this site at some point, which too is normal and passes, but please remember not to let it come between you and your wife.

Click the quote at the bottom of my post and it will take you to my story, my wife has a few things to say in there as well.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Our stories are so similar it’s scary, but if I can do it anyone can, you just have to really want to make it and commit to it.

Good luck man.


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#19693 - 06/07/04 02:21 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
LupinIII Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 156
It is a tremendous feather in your cap that you have begun to work on these issues. It does not matter that you are 37, what matters is that you want to change your life for the better.

I have read about your problems with your wife in both this thread and my own. I think you might want to allow some healing occur before making any rash decisions. If you are in danger, then of course get out.

An important thing to consider is that you are overwhelmed and beginning a search for a true identity. You do not want to put yourself through any more unecessary pain nor do you want to start projecting your thoughts on to other people (for example 'my wife deserves to be loved by someone who is beter than I').

G/L and keep sharing.


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#19694 - 06/07/04 03:28 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
btw, my own prison;

you are definatley preaching to the choir (being me big time here).

only after being so hurt with my recent live in when she betrayed me a few months ago did i start to work on my s.a. she said i did not meet her needs. she was right in a way be it her emotional needs and sometimes sexual needs and closeness needs. it has been 31 yrs of hiding my s.a. and i am 41. i had two un-scucessful marriages prior to this whereby i never even told them either.
i also picked the wrong ones and married for the wrong reasons. first one, met in a bar too. married after we had broke up and she started dating someone and i could not stand the thought of her sleeping with someone so i pleaded to get back with her and proposed and soon got married. lasted six years.

my second was a rebound from her, i still did not get close. i a married her because i was lonely too. met her a a drunk party too. she had a alcohol and pill problem too but i did marry her anyway. i ignored that, i just needed to be loved and to have someone i thought. that un-raveled after a few years after she abused more and i grew even more distant and aloof.

i also have abused alcohol (even this past saturday unfortunately), when i was younger did a lot of drugs- can't now because of drug testing i suppose plus i am glad i really don't need that now.

i have now found a t and she has helped me a bit. we discussed and i have found out that i medicate myself with women and/or alcohol. i set myself up to be hurt or i hurt others. the real notion here is that i must love myself and be able to be happy by myself before i can have a decent relationship or a sustaining one with another. so that is where i am at yet.

i am blessed that i have one great beautiful daughter and that is my key objective and motivation for me "getting better".

as for splitting up, i would first go see a counseler as mentioned above and/or get her to visit this site or some others. maybe you can save one or make this one good where i screwed all mine up and am now lonely, sad, and anxious without my past girlfriend and it has been 9 weeks now and i am still grieving.

anyhow, i hope this helps a bit. i understand exactly where you are at.

hang tight man, this is aprocess and we have got to get through it.

guy


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#19695 - 06/07/04 06:42 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
Guy,

I've heard from others that in order to be at peace and happy with my marriage, I have to find inner peace and happiness. How does one find inner peace? My marriage councelor has told me that if I leave this marriage, I will just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. He said I set unrealistic expectations on my marriage. He also told me to seek help for my SA before making any decisions.

I'm afraid the decision to stay may not be up to me. I feel like she wants me out. I have a hard time approaching my wife. I feel ashamed and don't even want to kiss her or touch her. It wasn't always like that. Actually, I didn't start to feel that way until I truely started to open my eyes and see my past for what it was. Once I opened up to her and told her my story, she just sat there not saying a word. Later she came to me and said she didn't say anything because she wanted me to say what I needed to say uninterrupted. She finally did come to me and say that she didn't feel discusted by me or hold me responsible, but I can't help to think she does feel discusted.

I feel ashamed and I don't know how to approach her. She has her own issues as well. She came from an alcoholic family and her mother was verbally abusive. As a result, she has always shielded herself from emotions. She doesn't know how to be supportive. I feel like my marriage is in a no win situation. For some reason, I feel the desire to be alone though.


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#19696 - 06/07/04 07:35 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,
Quote:
I've heard from others that in order to be at peace and happy with my marriage, I have to find inner peace and happiness.
I hope there was nothing I said that would give you that idea. I agree that peace will have to come from within you, but happiness is a lot to ask of anyone. What does it mean? Feeling great? Feeling good? How long? 100% of the time? More than half the day, each day? Only on weekends? Does it get monotonous? What then?

Peace, on the other hand, seems to be something that might come to me when I am able to accept that the world is as it is, people are who they are, and that's ok. I may be way off the beam here, because I'm not at that point or anything else that I would call "peace." My de>
_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19697 - 06/08/04 12:35 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Well, like everybody has said. Do not make any drastic decisions concerning your relationship at this point. You will find much help and support here. You will also find some constructive criticism in places too. What you are going through with your own feelings concerning your SA and how it makes you feel toward your wife is normal. You not wanting to add to anything that she is going through is completely normal too. BUT, all of this is decisions which you need to make together. They are decisions which should not be made without you having the knowledge which you can gain from being here. If you want to have a good relationship, both of you need to think of both yourselves and each other at the same time. You need to communicate things with her about yourself and you need to listen to her. Let her make her own decisions concerning how much she wants to be part of things. Boundaries are also important. Learn what yours are, and learn what hers are, and mutually respect each others. One thing that I can guarantee to you is that you need to learn more about yourself, your SA, and how it affects your life, and communicate this with her so that she may make informed decisions WITH you before making any drastic changes in your life.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19698 - 06/08/04 12:53 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Welcome brother,

I think I've got to agree with everyone else. Don't do anything drastic at this point in your recovery concerning your marriage. I know it's painful, but maybe it's a pain that both of you could work through together.

Congrats on getting of booze. It distorts perceptions and numbs us from our feelings. When I first got off it I was just as or even more distant from people than while I was on it. Eventually, you'll start to get in touch with something you haven't been in touch with in awhile, your emotions.

I can't say it enough, but I think our emotions and feelings are two of the most important things to recovery because they were the things taken away from us.

Keep on posting. Whatever comes to mind throw it out here, you'll be able to connect with someone.

Take it easy,
Fusion


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#19699 - 06/08/04 03:44 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
G D H Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 7
Loc: Oregon
My Own Prison:
I'm 34, Father of one 7 year old Son, and like you "have only just begun to scratch the surface of just how manipulated my life has been by my experience." I just found this site and have been working with a therapist for about 6 months around childhood sexual abuse. Though my fiance and I aren't yet married, we own a house together and are engaged (close enough for me!) What brought us together over 3 years ago was similar to your situation - she pursued me because I felt unworthy and unattractive to women. Our relationship at first was based on NOTHING healthy, but we have survived each other's chaos and are both now working on recovery from addiction, childhood sexual abuse, etc. It's been rough and we've nearly split up several times in the last 9 months. We have BOTH, like you, questioned whether we were "with the wrong person for the wrong reasons." Together we chose to work on ourselves and our relationship before we made any final decisions. Our therapist has encouraged us to work separately on our own recovery while at the same time trying to include each other in our process. It's painful and scary but it has brought us closer and we are both grateful to still be together. I'm glad you found this place and are beginning the healing process. I wish none of us needed to be here but at least we know WE'RE NOT ALONE and THERE IS HOPE. I too have a long road ahead and fear the pain my recovery will cause others. But I'm not walking alone, nor are you.

_________________________
"The military school of thought - what does not destroy me makes me stronger." F. W. Nietzsche

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#19700 - 06/08/04 10:53 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
It makes me sick to my stomach to think of how this evil disrupts lives. How it kills innocent people. How it forces them to make irrational choices; choices upon which they predicate their own future, and as well the future of their off-spring, only to have it all crash headlong into an impending abyss.

Gawd knows I have been there. I married someone, thinking that all the ill effects of SA, the alcoholism, workaholism, ragism, all the self-destructive behaviors, would politely go away, when in reality it politely became window-dressing and wallpaper for our existence. I chose a partner, and she allowed herself to be chosen, and likewise the other way around, and when the we later found out the>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#19701 - 06/08/04 09:05 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
I appreciate outpouring of support here. I am over whelmed by it all. I have taken everything everyone has said into consideration. I will not make any major changes to my life right now other than getting a T and starting my recovery even though I do feel a strong urge to be alone.

My wife wrote me a letter today. It opened with "Hello Stranger...and I do mean stranger". She said she was proud of me for starting this journey. She went on to say that she didn't know what her roll is in all of this. She said that I made the remark "eveything in my life has been a lie" and she took that to mean my marriage to her was too. (It's true I did feel that way). She said she knew my probems would become an issue when she married me but that she saw something in me that I haven't seen yet. She finished by saying she wanted to help but didn't know if I wanted help from her because she felt I had lost hope in her.

I wrote her back and said that she was right, I am a stranger right now. I said that I didn't know who I was only that the person I had been was a lie. I told her that right now, I am seeking to find that 6 year old boy that was left behind and bring him back to the present. I also told her that I didn't know who she was either. She has hid her emotions and kept me at arms length for many years. I told her I didn't know the first thing about her. What her favorite food is, her favorite color, what her dreams and desires are. What turnes her on, makes her happy or sad. I know next to nothing about her.

I have explained to my wife that this is going to be a roller coaster ride. I told her I would have episodes of drinking. Mood swings from happiness to anger to sadness all in the same few hour period. I told her that some days I will act like nothing is wrong, while other days I may be a total recluse and hide from everyone. I said until my T helps me regain control of my life, this is what it will most likely be like.

She had wanted to know if I felt my marriage to her was a mistake and if I had already written her off. I said that the reasons that I married her are unimportant now, the fact is we are married. I said that I do care about her but that right now, she is not the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I said if we can become friends and partners then I would be very happy to spend the rest of my life with her. I said the best thing she could do right now was to seek counseling for her own problems because she has her own emotional issues to deal with as a result of her mother who was a nasty drunk when she was growing up.

I feel like running away...Is that normal? Why do I want to be alone so bad? Seems like it would be just the opposite. Actually, no...I think that I married my wife because I feared being alone. Maybe its my minds way of telling me it's ready to face my past. It's saying that I don't fear being alone anymore. It could be because my wife emotionally abandoned me years ago and I have alrady been alone for awhile.


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#19702 - 06/08/04 09:29 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Your desire to run away is completely normal. Remember, it takes more strength and courage to face things openly and honestly. You ARE strong. If you aren't, the perps win.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19703 - 06/09/04 04:22 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
fusionoflove Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/03/04
Posts: 112
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Running away..NORMAL? Of course it is. I think it shows you've got some blood running through your veins.

Everyday, at least once, I think about running away. Quitting my job, moving back home, etc. Who in their right mind would want to go through what any of us have to go through? Remember, what happened to us wasn't normal. So how is recovery supposed to be. By the way, how far are you willing to run? No matter where you go or what you do you got to face yourself in the end.

You mentioned that you told your wife in a letter that you'll have bouts of heavy drinking. I know I probably sound like everyone else, but try and I do mean try not to drink. Drinking is running away. You're here already, which means that you've decided not to run. It's gonna be hard brother, but it'll be worth it.

Take it easy.
Fusion


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#19704 - 06/09/04 10:57 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
You've been running since you were 6. Aren't you tired of it? Isn't that part of why you are here? No matter where yo go, or how drunk you get, or anything else that you do or use to run from things, you will eventually find yourself in the same place no matter what. You will find that running has given you nothing but false hope. The false hope of escaping yourself. Eventually, you will realize that no matter how much you run, or how you do it, or where you do, you cannot hide from yourself forever. Whether you get drunk, or move, or dissociate, or isolate yourself, or do any number of things that people who have suffered CSA do, you will never escape by running. Running will only make things worse on yourself and everybody who cares about you.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19705 - 06/09/04 11:12 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,

"You can run, but you can't hide."

I know, you've heard it. But it's too true. Running seems easy, but it's not away that we run. We just dig ourselves a pit and sink into it. Like running in a mudhole, the faster we try to go, the faster we sink.

There are books (and workshops) for couples on Imago Therapy. It's the idea that most couples end up together with exactly the right person to help them heal their old wounds. Problem is, neither realizes that the other has these wounds, and we end up hurting each other because, due to the mutual ignorance, we don't get what we need. Ok, that's grossly oversimplistic, but I'm a geek, not a T.

I'm not an expert on relationships, or couple's counseling techniques, or anything like that. But some of the techniques, which you can actually learn and practice, in Imago Therapy have been helpful here. It's no more coldly dispassionate to learn how to communicate than it is to learn how to deal with nightmares, or keep your mind off booze.

Good luck to you and your wife. You just may be at the start of a wonderful, sharing relationship.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19706 - 06/09/04 08:25 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I tried running, I'm way too slow. The only alternative is turn around and face it down, fight like you mean it.

And with support and therapy the fight is so much easier.
Quote:
She said she knew my probems would become an issue when she married me but that she saw something in me that I haven't seen yet.
Yes, what she saw is a man she loves, and that's definitly worth fighting for !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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