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#19686 - 06/07/04 06:37 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
welcome. i have struggled with marriage, on my second. i feared the day would come when i realized that i chose the wrong one. the thing i've learned is that there is no right mate. no two people are perfect for one another, but you can make a happy life together if you are willing to work.

before you make any major changes in relationships, first heal yourself to the point where you are making good choices for good reasons. then work on your relationship skills. you may find you have a wonderful mate, and arent seeing it yet. if when you have done all the work, it comes down to leaving, it will be for the right reasons at the right time.

you know, it is hard to find someone to support and nurture you through this stuff. the fact your wife is there and loves you, speaks a lot to her character. sometimes relationships that are good for us seem to lack the spark. they are more warm and comfortable than electric. our abuse is looking for something more that isnt out there, some perfect fantasy that isnt around. be careful of discounting what you have before you really know yourself.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#19687 - 06/07/04 10:11 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,
Quote:
Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence.
I finally talked to the police in March of this year about the abuse from 1976-77. I learned in the last couple weeks that the man who raped me when I was 16 later spent 30 months as a "House Father" at a residential school for troubled boys.

Shall I kick myself in the ass, or would you like to do it for me? Will it do those boys any good? Will it do you or me any good?

You did what you could when you could do it. Many men are reading the words you wrote and not yet able to do what you did. Many others do not even realize yet that they need to find this kind of help.

Make things better for yourself. I'll make a deal with you. Whichever of us first learns how to change the past will let the other know, ok?

Please do not underestimate the great strength you have to have survived such horror and seek a real recovery. It took a lot of courage for you to look at the past with open eyes. You deserve full credit for doing that.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19688 - 06/07/04 11:30 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
My wife gave me an ultimatum 6 weeks ago. Quit drinking or leave. I quit drinking. It has forced me to face my past. I have become reclusive and distant. My wife has already been dealing with this behavior for several months because I thought it was her that was my probem. I had spent several months blaming my wife for her inadequacies and now I spring my abuse on her as the real culprit. She is very angry with me because I have made her accept our marriage failure as her responsibility. I think she wants me to leave. I totally understand. I don't want this poison to infect my kids. I was so distraught Friday and Saturday that I self medicated again first the first time in over 6 weeks. I got drunk and told my brothers about my abuse. They didn't want to believe me. Then they wanted to minimalize it. Statements like "just get over it and move on, you have a good life now." and "how bad could it have been?" Well, I gave them a few details and they began to "feel my pain". My oldest brother is taking it the hardest. Of course he got drunk and then he said he wants to "eat my cancer" so I can move on. I told him no one can do that but me.

I went out and bought two books yesterday. "Wounded Boys Heroic Men" & "Abused Boys - The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse." I am looking for a Therapist today too. I am grateful for this forum. I don't feel so alone now.


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#19689 - 06/07/04 11:39 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi

Sorry we had to meet under these circumstancies, welcome to malesurvior anyway.

I hid my abuse for over thirty years it was aided by large amounts of alcohol and other chemicals. When I got some sobriety behind me it was then that I started to recall snippets of conversations, images, smells from thirty plus years ago and music triggers me like no other one thing.

Today I'm hanging on to my sobriety by the skin of my teeth at the moment, I'm having a couple of shi**y days (mood swings) and the abuse is as raw as ever.

Im not one for giving advice except this stay close to this room there is some wonderful caring people here and there is no catch. Just shared experiencies.

Take it at your own pace

Regards

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"


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#19690 - 06/07/04 11:42 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
BTW

Mic Hunters book "Abused Boys" is an excellent book. It helped me understand how and why I was feeling the way I was. It wasnt full of pscho-babble either.

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"


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#19691 - 06/07/04 11:50 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Think about it carefully, but it may be beneficial to both of you if you ask your wife to join the Friends and Family section here at MS. There is excellent support here for her too. Keep in mind that if you do, she will be able to read any public posts which you make and vice versa.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19692 - 06/07/04 01:03 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
You could have written my story, it is almost exactly the same.

The difference here is that you started working on this at thirty-seven rather than my thirty-two and you still have a chance to save your first marriage where as I completely ruined my first.

Everything you are going through is absolutely normal. It sucks, but itís normal.

I got the ultimatum on drinking as well. You made the right choice now STICK WITH IT! Things will be tough sometimes but stay away from the alcohol that is your first step. You are ahead of me in that respect. I quit drinking without ever knowing why I was drinking in the first place.

You seem to have decided to stay in your marriage since you chose to stop drinking, now begins your healing. It is a long road but it is well traveled by others, and you can make it too. Do you have a therapist? If not get one but read this article first:

Article on how to find a therapist

Show your wife that you are here and working on your recovery, and tell her that if you guys want to make this work, and you both stick this out and make the commitment to recovery, gradually over the next three to five years (give or take) you will become a man thatís even better than the you she wanted to marry in the first place.

Find a good therapist, use them, and remember, they work for you.

Stop self-medicating, you are worth it and you donít need that junk to get by, if you have cravings try the supplement L-Glutamine. You can find it at GNC or just about any health food store and it stopped my cravings cold.

Keep coming here, you may feel you are addicted to this site at some point, which too is normal and passes, but please remember not to let it come between you and your wife.

Click the quote at the bottom of my post and it will take you to my story, my wife has a few things to say in there as well.

If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Our stories are so similar itís scary, but if I can do it anyone can, you just have to really want to make it and commit to it.

Good luck man.


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#19693 - 06/07/04 02:21 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
LupinIII Offline
Member

Registered: 02/21/04
Posts: 156
It is a tremendous feather in your cap that you have begun to work on these issues. It does not matter that you are 37, what matters is that you want to change your life for the better.

I have read about your problems with your wife in both this thread and my own. I think you might want to allow some healing occur before making any rash decisions. If you are in danger, then of course get out.

An important thing to consider is that you are overwhelmed and beginning a search for a true identity. You do not want to put yourself through any more unecessary pain nor do you want to start projecting your thoughts on to other people (for example 'my wife deserves to be loved by someone who is beter than I').

G/L and keep sharing.


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#19694 - 06/07/04 03:28 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
guy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc
btw, my own prison;

you are definatley preaching to the choir (being me big time here).

only after being so hurt with my recent live in when she betrayed me a few months ago did i start to work on my s.a. she said i did not meet her needs. she was right in a way be it her emotional needs and sometimes sexual needs and closeness needs. it has been 31 yrs of hiding my s.a. and i am 41. i had two un-scucessful marriages prior to this whereby i never even told them either.
i also picked the wrong ones and married for the wrong reasons. first one, met in a bar too. married after we had broke up and she started dating someone and i could not stand the thought of her sleeping with someone so i pleaded to get back with her and proposed and soon got married. lasted six years.

my second was a rebound from her, i still did not get close. i a married her because i was lonely too. met her a a drunk party too. she had a alcohol and pill problem too but i did marry her anyway. i ignored that, i just needed to be loved and to have someone i thought. that un-raveled after a few years after she abused more and i grew even more distant and aloof.

i also have abused alcohol (even this past saturday unfortunately), when i was younger did a lot of drugs- can't now because of drug testing i suppose plus i am glad i really don't need that now.

i have now found a t and she has helped me a bit. we discussed and i have found out that i medicate myself with women and/or alcohol. i set myself up to be hurt or i hurt others. the real notion here is that i must love myself and be able to be happy by myself before i can have a decent relationship or a sustaining one with another. so that is where i am at yet.

i am blessed that i have one great beautiful daughter and that is my key objective and motivation for me "getting better".

as for splitting up, i would first go see a counseler as mentioned above and/or get her to visit this site or some others. maybe you can save one or make this one good where i screwed all mine up and am now lonely, sad, and anxious without my past girlfriend and it has been 9 weeks now and i am still grieving.

anyhow, i hope this helps a bit. i understand exactly where you are at.

hang tight man, this is aprocess and we have got to get through it.

guy


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#19695 - 06/07/04 06:42 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
Guy,

I've heard from others that in order to be at peace and happy with my marriage, I have to find inner peace and happiness. How does one find inner peace? My marriage councelor has told me that if I leave this marriage, I will just repeat the same mistakes over and over again. He said I set unrealistic expectations on my marriage. He also told me to seek help for my SA before making any decisions.

I'm afraid the decision to stay may not be up to me. I feel like she wants me out. I have a hard time approaching my wife. I feel ashamed and don't even want to kiss her or touch her. It wasn't always like that. Actually, I didn't start to feel that way until I truely started to open my eyes and see my past for what it was. Once I opened up to her and told her my story, she just sat there not saying a word. Later she came to me and said she didn't say anything because she wanted me to say what I needed to say uninterrupted. She finally did come to me and say that she didn't feel discusted by me or hold me responsible, but I can't help to think she does feel discusted.

I feel ashamed and I don't know how to approach her. She has her own issues as well. She came from an alcoholic family and her mother was verbally abusive. As a result, she has always shielded herself from emotions. She doesn't know how to be supportive. I feel like my marriage is in a no win situation. For some reason, I feel the desire to be alone though.


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