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#19675 - 06/06/04 08:07 PM 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
Hi, I'm a 37 year old married father of three girls. I've been married for 10 years. For the past several years, my marriage has been going south. In my quest to discover what has been happening to me, I began to realize that my life has been a huge lie since I was molested as a child. My molestation was very severe and first began when I was 6 years old. I was molested for a period of 5 years by two men. They were both neigbors. I never told a soul about it until I married my wife. She was the only one who knew until recently. Several years ago, I met a woman co-worker who was also abused. She is the one who has shown me the courage to start facing my inner demons.

I have only just begun to scratch the surface of just how manipulated my life has been by my experience. How much of my life is a lie. I suffer from alcoholism and sexual dysfunctions. One of the major decisions I need to make now is whether or not to stay in my marriage. My wife "picked" me up in a bar and because I felt so unworthy to ask women out, I stuck to her like she was the only woman in the world. I have begun to realize that I would never have picked my wife if I hadn't been so affected by my child abuse. Am I alone with my marital problems?? Has anyone else out there found that they married the wrong person for the wrong reasons and the reasons were lies manifested from their child abuse? I have a long road ahead and my healing will cause pain for others. I have so much I want to say but I'll save it for other post.


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#19676 - 06/06/04 09:15 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome here. I am, as always, sorry that you must have this place, but I am glad you find it.

I am not married, so I truly can not relate to that part of what you are asking. I was always afraid of girls, and have had two girlfriends so far, and never gotten intimite still. But I am lucky that both I have had have been very good.

I hope that you will find support and understanding here. You are beginning to realize affects of the past on the present, and that is a good thing. I wish you good luck, and again, welcome you here.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#19677 - 06/06/04 09:21 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
I am glad that you have decided to face this. I do not know what your current situation is with your wife, but it doesn't really matter how you met. What matters is how things are, and what both of you are willing to do in the future. A good relationship involves both people thinking of both themselves, and the other person at the same time. Communication is always key. Yes, your past has effected your entire life, but now, you have a chance to take control over that, and make a better future for yourself, and your family if that is what you desire.
We welcome you and will try to help you.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#19678 - 06/06/04 09:24 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
My_own_prison,

I wish you didn't need to be here. I'm glad that you are able to come here and you are working to get your life together.

I'm 43, with three kids, but my oldest and my youngest are boys. Our marriage was in deep doo-doo (I can say that here, can't I?) when I finally told my wife about the man who raped me when I was 16. That turned out to be the tip of the iceberg.

I fell in love with my wife the second I saw her. I pursued her, even though she was still dating a guy she had once been engaged to marry. I think that is a difference in our stories. But whether you will remain married to your wife or not, it is good that you are, as you say, "starting to face your demons."

It's not an easy process. It hasn't been easy for me or for any of the people I've grown to love at this place. But it's not impossible. The demons are not so strong as they want us to believe. Just by starting down this path, you have dealt them a blow from which they might never recover.

I hope that you will be able to get to a therapist who can help you with these issues. Many of us have found that it is very important to work with someone who respects our ability to survive and is aware of the hurt done to us. You might find that you can approach the issue(s) in your marriage with more confidence if you make some progress on the abuse and its effects (alcoholism, sexual dysfunctions) first.

Wherever your path leads, I wish you the best. We are here and you are welcome.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#19680 - 06/06/04 11:27 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 262
Loc: MidWest
The name you have picked to use here makes me feel very sad. However, we ALL totally understand!!!!!!

Your pain and suffering, confusion and doubts are all a part of what each of us must go through.

Please seek out a good therapist. PLEASE do mkae any descisions about your marraige just yet. I think there might be more to her and her support than you think, I do not know. Divorce is such a major issue.

I recently posted that I asked my wife for a divorce because I felt I could not be the man she deserved and that all of my pain, depression, anger, moodswings, flashbacks, fear, et ctera, was NOT FAIR for her to have to deal with.

As always, I found MUCH support here, and my stubborn wife of 16 years said no way!

PLEASE stay with us, read the postings, go to the Professional site from the Home Page to read articles, post some more.

We are all friends and brothers due to our past and our pain.

Welcome aboard!

PEACE and GOD BLESS!

TJ

_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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#19681 - 06/06/04 11:28 PM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
TeeJayUU Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/04
Posts: 262
Loc: MidWest
Oh, by the way, I was 38 when I first started dealing with this!

TJ

_________________________
"There is a plan for me, God has a Purpose, I know there is a reason that I'm ALIVE!" Cherish Grace
PEACE HOPE LOVE

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#19682 - 06/07/04 12:16 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Welcome.

I was 37 when I first admitted to anybody that this had happened to me. The first was my pychiatrist and the second was my therapist I went to for depression over my failing marriage. The only reason I told them is because they asked. I then told my now ex-wife.

It wasn't until after I turned 38 did my T start working on my SA, until I was ready. I did my first work here until my T thought I was ready. I started out 38 as a mess, I will end it being so much better. It's never too late to go forward.

Take care and be honest with yourself,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#19683 - 06/07/04 12:27 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
my_own_prison

Is the name after the Creed disc?

I am sorry that you need a place like this, but welcome to the family.

I have no advice on your marriage, as I am still a bachelor. But I would suggest praying over it, if you are a spiritual person. You might be suprised what can happen.

Again, welcome to the site, and I hope your journey will lead to healing and a sense of peace!

Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#19684 - 06/07/04 12:36 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 989
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Welcome to our site.

I am 46 and didnot admit the abuse to myself until I was 40. I was abused by an uncle from 2 til 14, then another uncle verbally abused me after that. I totally blocked out all memory of the sexual abuse of the first uncle.

I am married and I know the abuse I suffered had affected my choice of a wife, but it was not a bad choice. Please give yoourself time to deal with your abuse issues and don't just try to sweep out everything in your life. your marriage may survive or not, but do give it a chance.

Hope you find this place to be the place of hope and peace I have found it to be.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#19685 - 06/07/04 12:52 AM Re: 37 years old and just starting to face my demons
my_own_prison Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 30
Loc: USA
yesac76,

Yes...It does come from Creed. That song speaks volumes for the guilt and pain I feel. It's so wierd. I was only 6 yrs old when the sexual abuses by my neigbors started. I know it wasn't my fault. Yet, for some reason, I carry the guilt around with me as if I was the one responsible for my abuse and the others after me. I don't know why I never spoke up. I feel ashamed of my weakness. Only if I would have spoken up. I could have saved those other children the pain and humiliation of lost innocence. I could have spared them the deceit and self destructiveness I and my loved ones have endured. How many more did they abuse after me? If it was just one more, it was one more too many. 6 years ago I did discover that one of them did get arrested. But it was years after I was an adult. Years that he spent defiling other children and forever changing their lives.


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