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#196743 - 12/26/07 09:23 PM When did we lose....
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
our virginity. Was it the first time we were abused or was it the first time we willingly chose to have sex?

This is something I have struggled with for the longest time.

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#196753 - 12/26/07 10:06 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: TNuss]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hi, Troy --

I think there will be different answers for different people. When was the first time we had a sexual experience that was:
Not coerced
Not forced
Not just repeating old training
Motivated by our real desires, and our partner's
Something we could be fully present for
Something very, very, categorically different from those abusive experiences
Something that made us feel more, not less, human, empowered, whole, etc.



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#196756 - 12/26/07 10:23 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: MemoryVault]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
if virginity and innocence are linked together then it would have to be the first abuse for me, i think virginity and innocence are linked ,it's hard to have one without the other. i also believe that is one reason abusers pick the kids they abuse. the first time is like something we can't go back and do over is it?


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#196803 - 12/27/07 12:07 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: evanesence]
TNuss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/28/06
Posts: 202
Loc: Del-A-Ware???
My struggle is with my lose of innocence, yet when I was being abused by my mother I was still innocence and didn't realize what was happening was not right. Which lead to the second person, which if the lose of virginity deals with the pleasure that came from the enjoyment of the act of sex, then that was when I lost my virginity, because I returned to his house because I enjoyed the acts of sex that were occurring and third was because I knew it would provide him pleasure. The forth was a game, a game which I find fun and enjoyment in playing even if I lost. Does that mean it was abuse, because I enjoyed the act of sex or the game? If the actually lose of virginity is consonantal act of sex between two individuals, I feel as if I consonant to the acts that were happening to me. I struggle with this and I think the simples answer is that my virginity was taken from me at a very young age, but consonantal gave it away when I first truly made love with an individual with whom I shared deep feeling for.

Sorry I know this is a lot of rambling, but it’s how it is in my head, hence the struggle.

THANK YOU!!!

_________________________
All my best!!!

In harmony,
Troy
________________________________________________________
I hug myself daily until the day I find the embrace that completes me.

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#196820 - 12/27/07 01:20 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: TNuss]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3379
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Troy,

I'm not sure - but it seems to me in my mind that this is an issue I've seen discussd before - was just thinking if you wanted to take the time there might be something more of this to be found by searching back through the archives that may be of help

I know that in my mind I've had to seperate my loss of innocence and my loss of virginity

sadly though it seems both were still lost at a very early age

if I go by Websters deffinition of virginity - I lost it at age 4

loss of innocence? - I guess that did not come till about age 8 when I first started really thinking about what he was doing and having me do to him as being wrong

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#196823 - 12/27/07 01:41 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: TJ jeff]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I was 15 at the time and it's nice to think I didn't lose my virginity then, but it was first time I was introduced to sex. It was strange because I was 5'6", 110lb and in the year following I grew to 6'1", 160lbs in just over a year. It's like I grew the rest of my teenage years in one year. It seems like I grew up instantly. I guess I can say it wasn't my virginity I lost because I didn't choose it, but my innocence was lost. but physically and mentally it seems it was decided by my growth that my childhood was over. It's been hard to be an adult missing those years of growth I would have normally had.

Don't want to steal you're post Troy, but did anyone else have this weird growth spurt after it happened.

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#196833 - 12/27/07 03:53 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: mogigo]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
I consider my virginity being lost in s*x with a woman, so male perps did not take anything virginal even in psychological sense. Maybe they taught me rough and violent s*x, but that was ABUSE.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#196851 - 12/27/07 06:50 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: alexey]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Troy,

It really does boil down to what's really important where sexual acts are concerned: the fact of penetration or what sexual acts really mean.

I used to worry about this a lot, but then it occurred to me that abuse and sex aren't the same at all. Abuse is an act perpetrated by a criminal against a child who doesn't understand what's happening to him. Sex is something shared willingly between two people who consent to it and wish to share the experience with each other.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#196897 - 12/27/07 11:14 PM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: roadrunner]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
virgin, I think that we are a virgin until we willing give it up and have sex with someone.

I also think that the first time with a person is a virgin moment. So over the course of a lifetime you could be a virgin several times. Just my thoughts.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#196904 - 12/28/07 12:47 AM Re: When did we lose.... [Re: lostcowboy]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Just my opinion of course, but I believe virginity is surrendered to the person with whom you willingly engage is sexual relationship with and they with you. Sexual abuse does not qualify.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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