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#196700 - 12/26/07 03:13 PM Mom's Visit
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
So, my momís staying in my apartment, and Iím here in a basically empty office not doing much. Iíve been kicking myself all day, not sure why, and I realize I need a little forgiveness.

Itís not my fault that I have mixed feelings.

Itís not my fault that my mom shows up, and the past suddenly seems unreal. I canít imagine what Iíve been complaining about for the last year or so. Thatís old training kicking in.

Itís not my fault that I donít really believe that my mother and the nice lady in my living room are the same person.

Itís not my fault that I retreated into my own mind last night when we were having dinner at my auntís. Mom was talking again about her bad relationship with her mother. (ďWell, Iíd join in this conversation, but then weíd be talking about you.Ē)

Itís not my fault that Iím pissed that sheís asking me for affirmation and support. Iím allowed to be tired of being the parent she never had!

Itís not my fault that Iím half panicking that sheíll stumble over some survivor ďthingĒ Ėthe tote bag from the conference in New York I stuffed in my closet? Mike Lewís books? Ė and Iíll have to tell her Iím dealing with it all again.

Itís not my fault that I feel ungrateful and mean writing this.

It's not my fault that I really want to run off and pick someone up and lose myself in the sensations.

Itís not my fault that I expect to finish reverting to a sullen 14-year-old in about three days.

It's not my fault that when I put some of the issues she's made me deal with into words, I get really angry and I don't know what to do with that.

Itís not my fault that Iím not getting anything done now with nobody here and all this stuff rattling around my head.

Sigh--just posting this is reminding me that I'm going through this for a reason. But wow, this hurts!


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#196708 - 12/26/07 04:29 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: MemoryVault]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#196710 - 12/26/07 04:38 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: mvnforwrd]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6596
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Ouch David....I want to run away for you.

Not an easy time for you.

But you are right...its not your fault.

_________________________
Objects In Mirror are Less Than They Appear.

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#196713 - 12/26/07 04:56 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: Still]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
my dad showed up at my house yesterday saying he has a right to see my kids, he was my first abuser he hurt me a lot as a kid ,nobody except me and him knows about the sex stuff my family does know that he physicaly abused me. i got so pissed off, we have had no contact for at least a year and before that i just put up with him cause he's my dad. but screw that i think i have a right to say stay away .i do not trust him to be alone with my kids and they just think he is grandpa ,but they dont know. dont we have the right to tell them to get out of our life? my family thinks i'm being mean because he disciplined me as a kid ,i dont think we have to put up with them just because they brought us into this world. i told him if he don't leave i'll tell what he did .he said go ahead nobody will believe you . it sucks that because i won't tell my family thinks i'm wrong or mean . should i let him stay because i'm ashamed of what he did to me? anyway you look at it having parents like these sucks ,it sucks as a kid and it sucks as an adult . i'm not protecting him by not telling i'm just too ashamed for anybody to know. he might control that part of me ,but he won't control all of me ever again ,this probably don't help ,but your not alone. i wanted to add that yeah it was christmas and i felt like crap for making him leave ,but i stood my ground . evan



Edited by evanesence (12/26/07 04:59 PM)

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#196720 - 12/26/07 07:02 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: evanesence]
Marcelo Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/15/07
Posts: 2
Loc: NYC
Evanesence. You do have the right to not let him see your kids. Specially if they are your age when he did this to you. You have the right to tell every one what he did to you. Otherwise the abuse will continuo and you will feel powerless. Secrecy is our worst enemy. It is very difficult to deal with your parents if they are the abusers. I will recommend you to talk to your therapist about this other wise you will feel powerless and re traumatize. You have to be careful with the emotions. Would you let your kids be with some one that will hurt them? I m a survivor of incest as well. It hurt every time that I see my mother. My kids are not allow to be by themselves with my parents.


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#196752 - 12/26/07 09:58 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: Marcelo]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Quote:
i wanted to add that yeah it was christmas and i felt like crap for making him leave ,but i stood my ground .
Good for you, Evan -- protecting your kids and yourself is important. Protecting abusers...no. I'm sorry that happened, but glad you were able to stand up for your kids!

David


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#196811 - 12/27/07 12:39 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: MemoryVault]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3389
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I know the feeling - I really do - my mom can drag me down in just a 20 minute phone call

Evan - I'm really glad you stood your ground - it is the healthy thing to do - though I know it is'nt easy

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#196838 - 12/27/07 04:08 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: TJ jeff]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
David, it is indeed not your fault.

You hurt because of the triggers you mom has caused. It is ot your fault either.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#196842 - 12/27/07 05:05 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: MemoryVault]
awakening1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/26/07
Posts: 4
Loc: Canada
MemoryVault,
You are right - It's not your fault and at the same time the feeling you have are real - how could you feel any other way? I have been waiting for my mother to call - she is 3,000km away and sometimes that is not far enough (I can't imagine if she was in the next room right now).

Parents are supposed to protect and nurture their children and when they don't years later it leaves some grown men with some pretty unresolved feelings!!!

We didn't have choices as children, but we do as adult men. We can choose who is a part of our life now and we can choose how close they stand next to us and how often they talk to us and if we want to listen. We are empowered with choice and we can heal.

Keep choosing to read Mike Lew books, keep choosing to go to conferences, keep choosing to post comments on-line, keep choosing to heal!

Thanks for the reminder that it wasn't my fault either...

_________________________
I'm on a journey where I am hoping to lose my baggage.

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#196850 - 12/27/07 06:39 PM Re: Mom's Visit [Re: awakening1]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
David,

It's great you begin all those statements with "it's not my fault". It sure isn't!!! Others will just have to get used to the fact that you're setting your own agenda for dealing with all these issues - the important thing is that you are dealing with them.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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