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#196650 - 12/26/07 07:03 AM hard time?
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
do you guys have a hard time being sexual? i hope that makes sense. i find i hate being sexual and just curious how that changes once things are dealt w/ in more of a healthy manner. if i ever do act out i find myself feeling numb, distant, and rather disgusting. does anyone know what in the world i'm talking about? if so what are your experiences? does it linger 4ever? ever go away completely?

thanks.

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#196763 - 12/26/07 11:54 PM Re: hard time? [Re: Nate]
VictoryisRs Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 36
Loc: Seattle, WA
Sometimes I do. What things make you hate being sexual? You elude to 'changes' once things are dealt w/ in a more healthy manner..what changes are you hoping to make? If you've engaged in chronic, impulsive sexual behavior and find sex more of a coping mechanism and/or drug than an expression of human emotion or act of intimacy, then I can see why you might fear being sexual. If you are gay, society largely shames you for acting sexual based on their Judeo-Christian bias. If you were abused and keep replaying the abuse in your mind, that's one more factor. The brain is the biggest sex organ in the body. Finding and resolving the mental hurdles that keep you from enjoying sex is a good start, even if it means examing your own inner shame, guilt, and society's prejudice. Find postive books that affirm your sexual being or read of other's who've 'been there' and accepted their sexuality as a gift, not a burden. Peace, J.


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#196769 - 12/27/07 01:02 AM Re: hard time? [Re: VictoryisRs]
VictoryisRs Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 36
Loc: Seattle, WA
Nate, the other thing I perceive based on your posting, is a bit of 'dissasociating' w/ regards to sex. Dissasociation is a survival mechanism. An example would be a soldier who's in the front lines of battle--he puts the images of war--be it gratutious bloodbaths, injuries to comrades, etc-out of his mind at the time because his circumstances require him to. CSA victims do this as well, so any dissasociation of the sexual abuse has the potential to carry over in to your adult life. Never having had a chance to 'process' what happened to you, you have to 'stow it' away to get on w/ the act of living. Till you process what happened to you, you will continue to asociate sex w/ the abusive event(s) and translate them as diry, disgusting, etc. In a way this is still a pattern of dissasociating, even though the abuse has stopped. It is possible to reroute your feelings in a way that you stop this pattern and move to a fuller, healthier, happier person.


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#196894 - 12/27/07 10:51 PM Re: hard time? [Re: VictoryisRs]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
Sexual dysfunction is one of my biggest self-esteem problems. Most of my sexual relationships with men as an adult have been about being totally wasted or trying to get drugs. Sometimes I wonder if I had been able to have a healthy relationship with someone my age when I was a teen, I would have been able to thwart the damage done from the earlier abuse. But I lived in a very homophobic cultural context and was frightened of trying to form gay relationships with the boys I had crushes on back then. I was afraid of rejection and humiliation. The boys I did mess around with in high school were never the ones I had much desire for. In college, I was rather promiscuous, but I was usually high and never able to achieve orgasm. I refused to have anal sex with anyone, because whenever I'm penetrated I black-out and start to flash on my father. I've tried to train myself with masturbation, but it hasn't been successful.

The last relationship I had was a few years ago with a waiter I worked with. He was 10 years younger than me and thin, so I wasn't so intimidated. We stuck to oral sex and humping with our underwear on, but neither of us could come. I don't know if he had an abuse history, but he was from a small rural town, so I know his childhood wasn't easy. I ended the relationship when he got heavy into coke.

So I've given up on sexual relationships for right now. I feel very lonely sometimes and wish there was someone I could trust that would just hold me close. Someone who wasn't twenty years older.

I've talked to men like us who have been able to become sexually functional. It took finding a very patient and trusting partner. Maybe I'll get there someday.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#196957 - 12/28/07 10:36 AM Re: hard time? [Re: Liri]
VictoryisRs Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/13/07
Posts: 36
Loc: Seattle, WA
Thanks for your honest posting, Liri. I think a common problem we experience as CSA survivors--gay or straight-is learning to assert ones's sexual needs in a healthy way. Whether one is promiscious, passive, or can only peform w/ drugs--these may all be ways of mentally blocking the abuse. I was promiscious when I was younger (20s). HOwever, I realized that if I tend to just have sex for recreation, it then becomes difficult to be initimate w/ someone I finally fall in love with. I am lucky that the man I'm in love w/ is very patient, kind and we work through things together. I think you are wise to forego sexual relationships till you examine the things that have brought you anxiety, low-self-esteem,etc. Sex can be loving and healthy, but when we use to try to validate ourselves or focus it inwards, then trouble ensues. You can work through this w/ a counselor. I would also encourage you to get your hands on Mike Lew's book for CSA survivors called "Victims No Longer". Reading it was a turning point for me. Victory Is Ours!!


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#197841 - 01/04/08 08:16 AM Re: hard time? [Re: VictoryisRs]
Nate Offline
Guest

Registered: 04/30/07
Posts: 94
Loc: Philadelphia, PA
i've come across the term "sexual anorexia" - after doing some research i'm pretty sure this is one of my problems. anyone else in the same boat?

if so - how have you overcome it? or how have you started healing?

_________________________
"Love the moment. Flowers grow out of dark moments. Therefore, each moment is vital. It affects the whole. Life is a succession of such moments and to live each, is to succeed."

- Corita Kent

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#197886 - 01/04/08 02:01 PM Re: hard time? [Re: VictoryisRs]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Originally Posted By: VictoryisRs
HOwever, I realized that if I tend to just have sex for recreation, it then becomes difficult to be initimate w/ someone I finally fall in love with.


I can certanly empathize with you there, Victory. I was always easy for me to have sex with men I didn't know or didn't care about, but when I really liked someone sex was a problem. It's like sex suddenly becaume "Too" important, and I would worry myself into impotence. "Does he really like me, or is it just sex?" "Am I hurting him?" "Am I abusing him?"

Usually it's fine as long as my partner initiates the sex and takes the lead. But when I try to be the agressor, I fall short. Even if it comes to acting out my wildest fantasy, if I initiate it, it usually doesn't work out.

Strange, isn't it? I'm sure this is DIRECTLY related to my CSA, and is the last, worst, after-effect. If I ever overcome this one I will feel that I have truly healed.

Laz

P.S. thanks for the reference to Mike Lew's book. I'll check it out...

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#198084 - 01/05/08 04:20 PM Re: hard time? [Re: Lazarus]
lostcowboy Offline
Member

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 797
Loc: North Texas
sexual anorexia by Patrick Carnes talks about overcoming sexual self-hatred. He also has other interesting books that you may want to read.

Take care,
Clifford

_________________________
"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

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#198377 - 01/07/08 08:36 AM Re: hard time? [Re: Lazarus]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Laz, I completely identify with the way you describe your response to sex. I have worried myself into impotence so often that sometimes I think my body has given up on sex altogether.

Just the other day, my hubby was kidding around with me and kept inserting "sexual innuendo" into everything he was saying. He was just being playful and cute but I had to ask him to stop because it was triggering me. One of my worst experiences was a creepy dude who kept putting random sexual remarks into our conversations. My hubby got a little frustrated because he doesn't mean to trigger me, but that's what we are forced to deal with.

There was actually a point in the beginning of our relationship when my guy said something like, "If you're not attracted to me it's no big deal." I was completely floored when he said that because for a while I thought he might be right. When I thought about the kind of sexual encounter that actually arouses me (a random-ish dude that is very masculine), I realized that he was wrong. His remark still managed to really make me think.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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