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#196508 - 12/24/07 10:31 AM Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Have you ever felt good about yourself for like a day or so and had less dependent feelings in regards to sex?

When I feel good, love myself, I feel like I could conquer the world and I feel like I can do it without having sex; so I know that this addiction or obsession has a lot to do with self esteem. Our self esteem was taken down with the molestation, it was sexual in nature as oppossed to being just verbal, physical, negletful etc. I believe the sexual abuse leads to the sexual problems in our lives. I don't think I am cornering the market with this idea but I do think that we get the feeling, idea that the only thing we are good for is sexual in nature comes from the molestation.

Take care, thank God for this site.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#196511 - 12/24/07 10:54 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: John Oarc]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Great observation, but I think it goes deeper than that, John. Most addictive feelings are impulsive in nature. They provide the addict with a temporary reprieve from feeling bad about themselves. Meanwhile, the aftermath of the addictive action makes the addict feel even worse, which makes the addict even more dependent on the addictive behavior.

It's a vicious cycle.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#196648 - 12/26/07 07:00 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
yea--------------when i feel good about things--------------sex is the furtherest thing from my mind----------------when i am low stressed depressed-----i cant get enough and its all ways on my mind


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#196655 - 12/26/07 08:20 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: sabata]
Rohdeo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/11/07
Posts: 10
Loc: Australia
That's soooooooo true, I kept a log for one month on my acting out with porn and masturbation. I found that it was directly related to feelings of isolation, bad mood, inadequecy. But theres one other thing i'd add that hasn't been mentioned and thats BOREDOM \:\(

The 69 million dollar question is how to substitute upbuilding constructive activities for the addictive ones since the acting out is so easy and convenient.

Cheers and thanks for the original post on this topic


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#196660 - 12/26/07 09:13 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: Rohdeo]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA

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#196662 - 12/26/07 09:31 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Ken, great article. Thanks for taking the time to write it and thanks for directing us to it.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#196665 - 12/26/07 10:06 AM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: John Oarc]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Regarding boredom, I think when we are sitting around and things become quiet we have time to think about the problems in our past and we don't like that feeling so we mood alter or begin a task, mostly self defeating. Peace and quiet causes discomfort, it reminds us of where we were before the molestation and it frightens us, it brings about the feeling that something is going to go wrong, causes anxiety. We were okay before the molestation, things were peaceful so going back there brings the idea that we don't want that again, i.e. when things are peaceful "look out, something bad is going to happen." I'm just giving my observation, I could be so wrong about this.


Thanks guys,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#196683 - 12/26/07 01:11 PM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: John Oarc]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Interesting observation, John. I wonder if it is "peace and quiet" like we generally like to have or is it maybe a "calm before the storm"?

Some survivors experience the rages and abuse of dysfunctional families and I think the calm before the storm may be a common experience before they are abused or mistreated.

Other thoughts or observations on this?

Ken


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#196691 - 12/26/07 02:17 PM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i am finding, thru therapy, that the "storms" in my life are often generated by me - just to get away from the "peace and quiet". it's related to my self-esteem (or lack thereof) and the feelings that i don't deserve to be happy, or peaceful, or calm, etc etc etc...

boredom, for me, leads to acting out a large percentage of the time.

m


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#196699 - 12/26/07 03:03 PM Re: Self Esteem directly related to addictive feelings [Re: MarkK]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana

You guys hit the nail on the head.

Stirring up crap used to be part of my being, I needed it to take the edge off the peace and quiet, trouble gives us something to do or think about, keeps us occupied, our mind off the underlying pain, i.e. hit your thumb with a hammer to dull a headache.

The calm before the storm hits home, you said it better than I did though. I have trouble with the calm because it reminds me of a time when things were calm (before the molestation) so it reminds me that if things are calming down, get ready something bad is coming. I also think it has a control issue involved, mess things up before they can get that way out of your control, so create trouble when you see it coming atleast you hold the ball. My wife had an affair in a time when life was getting better, she felt the stress of things looking up and feared its end (when you have much to lose the fear increases, like winning the lottery, the fear of losing it comes into mind immediately) so try not to win which equals not winning in life as well. We fear success for fear of losing it. Keep things in our life that can be lost without much pain which equals a tragic less than life. This doesn't work, we stay pissed that we are not progressing or will never amount to nothing but we subconciously keep it this way for the fear of having something worth losing.

Great observations everyone,





Edited by John Oarc (12/26/07 03:16 PM)
_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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