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#196492 - 12/24/07 05:38 AM Rejected by Abuser
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I've been thinking about some things the last few days. My life is pretty hectic right now and things just don't seem to be going my way. I talked about what happend last week and how my little sister found my journal and showed it to her friend, who then told her mother about it. My grandpa spoke to her and her mother, who live right next door to us. I was pretty freaked out about the whole thing the last few days, but as it turns out, the mother was very understanding and my grandpa says she has nothing but sympathy and understanding of me. So that is actually great news!

I think whenever something devastating happens, I go into a little shell and I hold my emotions in until I can't take it anymore and they just explode. That's something I'm trying to work on, but it hasn't been easy. It's not easy telling people that when you were 5-years old you sucked your uncle's cock and got raped by him. I know I shouldn't feel shame or guilt about it, because I also know deep down, that it really wasn't my fault and I have no control over the situation. Unfortunately, I still feel shameful. I still feel like I had a choice and options in telling somebody of authority what was happening. I wish I could go back to the first time I realized what he was doing was unacceptable and wrong.

It may sound very weird, but I always wonder what I was like when I was little. I don't have vivid memories of much of my childhood. I think I blocked so much out. But I've been thinking about.... when I was 7, or 8, or 9, and I laid in bed at night, what did I think about? I don't remember how I felt when I was in school and 2:30 would roll around and it was time to go home. All the other kids were going home to loving parents, playing in the backyard, video games, and fun. I was going home to abuse. I do remember thinking to myself, "I hope he doesn't put anything in me today." I used to hope that sucking his cock or him sucking mine would be enough and there wouldn't be any pain involved. Gross huh?

Ya know..... when I got to be about 13-14, the abuse died down. It didn't stop altogether, but it wasn't as frequent. I don't know if my uncle was abusing any other little boys, but I do know that I was a last resort for him. I mean, I think because I was 13-14, I was maturing and my body was developing, and I think that was a turn-off for him and the only way he'd abuse me is if he was horny enough and had nobody else to take it out on. Then I began to hate him because I felt rejected and I felt like he didn't love me anymore. I used to try to "fix" myself and do what I thought he might like in the hopes that the abuse would continue. It's weird, because I surely didn't like the abuse but on the other hand, I felt rejected and ugly if my uncle wasn't abusing me. Does anybody else feel that way?

I don't know where my life is going right now and I don't know if I'm a good person or not. Doesn't mean anything that I want to go the right way and I want to be a good person? Isn't it possible that someone could have the thoughts and feelings I have and still be a good person?

Well thanks for listening. Have a Merry Christmas! ;\)


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#196494 - 12/24/07 07:06 AM Re: Rejected by Abuser [Re: JasonSmalls]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Jason,
you are a good person, if you were a bad person you would not be feeling guilt about what happened. thats my opinion. Of course you felt neglected, you were no longer getting the attention that you had before.
I'm happy for you that you mom and grandpa are understanding of the abuse you went through. In a way it is probably a good thing they know now and probably a great weight has been lifted from you. You at least have two new people that know of the abuse and are supportive and loving. I finally told my mom this year and she has been good support. This is just one of those old fear guilt shame tapes that gets overwritten when we disclose because we think we are responsible or to blame for the abuse. We are not! I hope you see the positive in this and use the new developments to your benefit.
Merry Christmas Jason \:D

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
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#196522 - 12/24/07 11:33 AM Re: Rejected by Abuser [Re: GateKPR4]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Jason,

I agree with Rick, I think it is a good thing that both your mother and grandpa both know about the abuse. I am sure that is probably not what you were thinking of, but in the long run I think you will discover it is a good thing. Especially if you get therapy to help you address its impact on your life. I know, that I wished that I would have been brave enough to tell someone, as opposed to carrying this secret around for 41 years and having it change the course of my life.

Just remember that you are a good person, there is no question about that. It sounds like you have two very supportive people in your life that will help you get through this challenge. You did nothing wrong..I know it is hard to remember or accept that sometimes. You are doing the right things by trying to heal yourself and by talking to others on here. I wish there was a place like this 25 years ago to be able to discuss my feelings and fears.
I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas!

With warm regards,

Dan


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#196573 - 12/25/07 02:39 AM Re: Rejected by Abuser [Re: DanM]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

It absolutely sucks when a guy gets "outed" like that, and I can imagine how bad you felt. Even if the result was positive the fact remains that you were made to feel unsafe and judged. I hope the good results so far help you to get past this problem.

I understand entirely when you say you know the abuse wasn't your fault, but you still feel guilty and ashamed about it. That's how it is for so many of the guys here. What's happening is that as you begin to work on your recovery you are seeing certain things and they seem to be 100% true. For example, how can it be the kid's fault if his uncle abuses him? But still, you have been carrying those feelings of shame and guilt around for a long time, bro, and they are very very powerful feelings. They will fade in time, but it does take some effort and it won't happen in the short term. The bottom line is that there's a huge difference between knowing that something is true, and trusting in it enough to use it as a tool to rebuild your life.

It also makes sense when you speak of how you felt rejected and ugly when your uncle wasn't abusing you. My own experience was that after a time I identified with the abuse; it was the only part of my life that seemed real. Everything else was pretending and struggling to make sure no one found out what was going on. So when the abuse ended I felt rejected and abandoned. I felt unwanted and wondered what did I do wrong now? It just goes to show how abuse can mess with a kid's head.

You comment on how your uncle became disinterested in you once you grew older. That too is pretty common. Many abusers are turned on by pre-pubescent boys and love the idea of exerting their total power over them. But when the boy begins to develop (body hair, changing voice, ability to ejaculate, etc.) the abuser loses interest. My guess would be that your uncle moved on to other young boys.

Jason, there are two threads on the site that you probably haven't seen, but which may interest you. One is a letter written by two of our teen members here back in 2005; they wrote it to be read to a class of 8th-grade boys, and since then it's been widely circulated and translated into several other languages. You can see it here.

The other thread is something I started and called "Our Secret Doors" and you can read it here. It's all about learning to accept our own innocence. Have a look through it; I think you will find a lot there that's worth thinking about.

Much love, and Merry Christmas,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#196625 - 12/25/07 08:34 PM Re: Rejected by Abuser [Re: roadrunner]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
Jason,

you seem like a great perston to me. You are thoughtful and sensitive and want to understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling. I feel like you will develop great empathy for others if you haven't already. Who could ask for more in a friend.

And, yes I felt rejected way back then in a way. Even though I was able to figure out how to stop the abuse, I felt sad in a way because it was so easy to stop... like whey doesn't he ever try now? It's hard to understand that feeling even now.

Merry Christmas to you,and by the way I'm really glad you decided to keep coming back.

Keith


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#196636 - 12/26/07 02:14 AM Re: Rejected by Abuser [Re: KeithR]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason, I understand you. I was wondering why the abusers treated me so badly. Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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