I think I'm going crazy. I just feel like I have so many different emotions and feelings and thoughts and memories and I just can't handle them all at the same time. I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying, and that's what I've done for most of the last couple of days.

I just found out the other day that last weekend when my little sister was here, she found my journal. Not only did she read it but she also showed it to her friend. Her friend lives right next door to us. There is already rumors floating around, and I know her mom knows cause she came over yesterday and asked to speak with my grandpa alone. This is sooooo not right and I think I'm going go out of my mind. I just feel like not being around here anymore. I don't mean dying... I just want to be somewhere else where nobody knows me or knows my past.

I feel very vunerable right now. I feel like I'm just going to freak out any second. I yelled at my grandmom last night (she has old timers disease) and I feel really bad about that. I mean she probably doesn't even remember, but it makes me feel bad because I remember. I just feel like I don't deserve to have all these thoughts and feelings and emotions and I wish it would just stop. I can't handle all of it.

I want somebody to help me. I mean..... I NEED help. When will this go away? I'm tired of always being freaked out and scared and worried and just tired of being a basketcase. What is wrong wih me!

Your little sister found your journal, and then shared it with your friend. I'm so sorry. That is a boundary that should NOT have been crossed. If you have it in yourself to make sure your little sister knows this, I urge you to try.

I can relate. When I was 18, my mother found my journal and read it dispite several warnings on it and in it regarding the fact that they were my private thoughts. This still effects me today. What I write on this site is the closest I can come to journaling.

I wish I could help you, Jason, but sometimes being your age can be so overwhelming in itself. Are you seeing a therapist? Is there a school counselor you can talk to?

Believe it or not, the fact that you are having these thoughts and feelings are a good thing. However, not having someone to talk about them with can make them more difficult to face.

I wish you the best.

Bryan

Hey,
OH man.. this is horralbe. Man I'm really sorry to hear this. Just know we are here for you. We will stand side by side with you in this time of trial. You are a very strong young man. Try to remember that.

James

Jason,
Sorry you are going through this, Its OK to roll up in a ball and cry. I have done the same thing. It sucks that disclosure in this way was not your choice and I know I would have been angry too. I hope you can work this out with your sister and let her know how you feel about it. One thing is to know we all are trying to deal with emotions. I believe this is something most of us share and that is we are used to not showing them. I have cried more in the past 7 weeks than I have in my whole life. It had been rough to feel these things and it has been very healing.
My journal is here on line and much of it is in the public forum. I hope the damage from this incident is minimal and you will be able to heal from it.
We are always here, also there is the chat room. Sometimes I find it helpful to use chat when I need help and insight right away. It has worked well for me so far.

Jason,

That is soooo wrong what she did with your journal. One way to get around this might be in future to keep your journal on the PC in a locked and passworded file. That way, even if you are away from it for awhile it will close automatically and no one will be able to see it.

I remember you saying in chat that your Grandpa isn't around right now. When does he return? He sounds like a great guy and someone you ought to be able to talk to about this.

I think that's what you need to do - talk to people. I know you came into chat for a bit with this problem and didn't get an immediate response, but do remember that some of the guys in chat are actually away from the room at the moment or in private conversations. Try to give it a bit more time perhaps, and I think you will get some support. Or talk to someone on private chat if you can.

Much love,
Larry