Newest Members
susanhepp, Breathe, georgetwo, frozen45, lilac
12291 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Guillermo (37), illbedat (26), Mike58 (56), Mnovit (38), Mongo (24), pwdasw (64), Raymond Sean (38), yesac76 (38)
Who's Online
9 registered (8 invisible), 30 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12291 Members
73 Forums
63232 Topics
442175 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2
Topic Options
#195954 - 12/19/07 02:46 PM Re: Discoverying our past? [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Originally Posted By: lynchmob212001
So if I was looking up to a man that has wisdom and is powerful and shows that he has been a great influence in my life and I want to portray some of his qualities is a road to depression?...

To answer your question as described, I would say no, that kind of admiration is very healthy indeed.

What would be unhealthy is looking at someone as having something you don't and for whatever reason you can likely never get. It's sort of like envy or jealousy, but it can be about any trait or characteristic that makes us feel deficient or inadequate in some way.

One of my close friends told me that a neighbor friend of his was given a very flattering "Thank you" for something he did, but it was something that he did just because it seemed like the right thing to do. My friend took this very personal and asked me, "How come no one ever thanks me like that?" He was actually starting to compare himself to his neighbor and feeling more and more inadequate. If you don't realize that this can be consciously stopped it can get way out of hand. Every little thing about someone else can make you feel miserable.

Let me know if this makes any sense to you.

Craig

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#195956 - 12/19/07 02:59 PM Re: [Re: cbfull]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:09 PM)

Top
#195983 - 12/19/07 09:44 PM Re: Discoverying our past? [Re: bardo213]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Hey Lynch,

Just reading through your posts today. Looking from a bird's eye perspective, you seem to have a good handel on things. You know what you want for your life,ie.. a great woman and some male friends. You have started getting that. It just could have all been eaiser without the abuse.

That's what stinks. Your moving right along and then, you stare at a guy too long... Ya know, your intention is not to mean anything by it. So count on that. Its just part of who you are and men that don't get that... you probably don't really need in your life. What I am saying is some of our recovery is learning to cope with what was left from the abuse, that really we only see, most others don't even notice. The battle is in our mind not theirs.

Rest in who you are becoming and who you want to be. You decide that, not what others think or what we think they perceive. Relax and give yourself a break. Your a great guy and can be a great friend.

Blessings,

ARMY

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

Top
#196041 - 12/20/07 01:03 PM Re: Discoverying our past? [Re: Army]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Lynch,

My 2 cents:

I started to notice during my T sessions that I had much difficulty talking and disclosing any personal info with my T. I always wanted to use some old and not mine patterns of phrases to somehow move the conversation forward. PLUS I started noticing myself noticing these inner fight between choosing the "right" word or phrase do sescrie anything.

That made me think that in most of my life, when I am in stuations that don't allow me to think and wait, I use lots of patterns of how to behave. These include talking to my parents, boss, coworkers, girls, strangers, professionals, etc... I could hardly evaluate what triggered me to say this or to did that, and I got to a conclusion that I really fear to face MY ISSUES, and my DEEP-ROOTED feeling of INCOMPETENCE, LONELINESS and FRUSTRATION before any uncrtain situation.

The next step in understanding this problem was my T who said that A THERAPIST'S WORK IS MOSTLY ACCURATELY WOULD BE CALLED WORKING WITH PEOPLE'S BARRIERS AND DEFENCE THEY PUT FOR THEMSELVES NOT TO GET IN CONTACT WITH THEIR OWN ISSUES. So my idea is that the work to be done is basically consists of seeing your own fear f the issues you have, and stemming from it inability to try to solve them, and creating a life-long models of self defence.

You can find parts of this idea in different publications: Mike Lew's, Ken Singer, etc.

First of all, concentrate on how you speak to you T, what you feel, what efforts you put in transferring to them the info you would like them to know.

Best.
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
#196047 - 12/20/07 01:16 PM Re: Discoverying our past? [Re: bardo213]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Hey Lynch,

I totally understand that you need to focus on one issue at a time.

If it makes you feel any better, I have recently realized that I have a similar problem making long eye contact with hetero men. For me, it's like I can only feel acceptance from them if I can somehow sexualize the new friendship. I had no idea how bad this was until recently at a bar/restaurant when a stranger shouted across two tables, "Hey, is there some reason why you keep looking over here?" He was not nice about it all. It was incredibly unpleasant. It was certainly an eye opener, I hadn't realized how much I stare at good-looking hetero guys. In retrospect, I'm glad it happened (even thought there are better ways to approach something like that) because it made me take a hard look at what my body language might be saying.

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

Top
#196082 - 12/20/07 05:23 PM Re: [Re: cbfull]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
....


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 02:10 PM)

Top
#196219 - 12/21/07 11:46 PM Re: Discoverying our past? [Re: bardo213]
Army Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/27/07
Posts: 90
Loc: California
Hey Lynch,

Glad to have helped. The stuggle you have has been my life for a long time. My Dad perped me and messed me up so I didn't trust other guys. It has taken a long time, but now I actually have some guy friends. So hang in there and don't stop. The relationships of having some guy friends is worth going past your triggers. Their friendship brings great balance to your life, and takes the power of the abuse out of control, and eventually the triggers stop. One more thing, don't think about everything so much when your with the guys, just enjoy being. Being with them, being one of them, being you... a guy worth being with.

Best wishes your friend,

ARMY

_________________________
07 Peebbles WOR Alummni

Top
Page 2 of 2 < 1 2


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.