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#195957 - 12/19/07 03:19 PM An Evening in England - 1974
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
An Evening in England - 1974

It’s so gray and damp as I stare out the glass,
A window, tall and drafty barely holding the weather out.
I press my head against the cold pane,
Drifting off to imaginations of a different world.

I dream and create a life where I am loved;
The sun shines and warms my face.
What is that? My stomach growls and turns;
Back to reality where hunger ravages me.

Tears force themselves from the corners of my eyes,
I swallow and flare my nostrils to squelch the sadness.
Will I ever make it to a day without this?
A day where food is a given, and love is too?

I don’t think so, I know what happens now.
The bar is about to close, 15, maybe 20 minutes.
He’ll pull in and ascend the stairs.
“Here are some Cheez-Its, get me a beer”.

I retreat to bed, dressed for warmth and protection.
I stare at the wallpaper, listening for the snoring,
Please start snoring, then I can go to sleep.
No snoring, I fight to stay awake…and listen.

Oh God, No! The footsteps, I hear them.
Slow, almost shuffling, down the hall.
Quick! Feign sleep, roll onto my stomach.
I CAN make him believe I’m asleep, THIS time!

I can smell him, cigarettes and beer on his breath.
He leans down to listen…taps my shoulder.
I ignore him, “please give up and go away”.
He whispers: “I know you’re awake”

I die a little more as my insides scream!



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#195965 - 12/19/07 07:11 PM Re: An Evening in England - 1974 [Re: buzz_key]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I wish none of us would have to experience the horror you are talking about. I am grateful for the people that can talk about these feelings and share them so we can all heal from the nightmare of abuse. My heart is with you and I want to believe that your life has become more than he was offering you.

LOVINGLY,
Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#195973 - 12/19/07 08:25 PM Re: An Evening in England - 1974 [Re: dancr6]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Buzz,

I'm so sorry you have this kind of experience to write about, but I'm glad you can put it down in words. It's empowering to do that; I think writing or speaking it is another way of rejecting blame. And that's what you should be doing, my friend.

Quite often a survivor has had bad experiences even as an adult, and it's easy to get into self-blame games about that. I was an Olympic champion at that one for years! But we have to remember that the brokenness of our childhood doesn't just go away when we grow up; it lingers and continues to haunt us.

Are we responsible? Yes. Now and in the future. In the sense that it's up to us to face these demons and resolve our issues; no one else can do that for us.

But should we also accept blame? For the past? I don't think so, Buzz. There is too much crap back there set in place by abuse, things we never even recognized and were not in a position to control or prevent. I say the abusers worked hard for all that blame...may as well let them have it - all of it. ;\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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