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#195926 - 12/19/07 11:01 AM Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER*****
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Today Wednesday i had another meeting with my counselor. This meeting is once a week and usually lasts for an hour. My counselor knows that i sent my mum a letter explaining more about the abuse i went through. He also knows that my mum has still not answered after nearly four weeks.
Today after i had sat down and we had talked about the last week and how i had been, he said that he would like to ask me about my mum. He told me what area we would talk about and said if i was not comfortable or i was unhappy about talking about this, then we would talk about something else. My counselor never pushes me to hard to divulge things, he does try and get me to talk about certain subjects, but its never felt uncomfortable and i have been happy to talk about a lot of things to him.
I clicked with him the first time i met him. He does everything to put me at ease and lets me dictate the things i want to talk about. The first meeting i had with him i went away and he spent the rest of the meeting sitting on the floor with little me, playing with cars and some toys he had. This freaked me out but the way he handled it put me at ease and i started to trust him.
Trust is a very very big issue for me. Just little things that most people would not even notice can set me off and i lose trust in people. Just by someone being late can get me paranoid and i shut off and drop that person. So to me trust is everything, if i don't have trust then nothing is possible. I have been burned by three people on this site, one person i trusted and was the first person i had ever trusted enough to share a very emotional memory with. It was the only clean and decent memory i had from my childhood. This person used this memory and hurt me very deeply. I cry every time i think about the memory, it now feels tainted. But several people on this site helped me to carry on and held me up when i stumbled. To be truthful, they kept me alive and showed me how to carry on. I know I'm rambling but i say all this to explain to you that trust is absolute for me.
I trust my counselor, so i said OK i would talk about my mum. My mum was and still is a christian. She attends church and helps out with everything from cleaning the church to bell ringing. She never swears and does not drink or smoke and has never been in trouble with the police. She helps out anyone who needs help and is still very active in the community.
My counselor asked me to sit silent for a bit then tell me what i remember about my mum.
The only thing that i could remember was the morning that a work colleague of my step dads came to see her whilst my step dad was at work.
I was sent into the garden to play, i found out later that my mum knew a few times he would hit me, but not everything. Well that morning the work colleague told her everything he had found out.
The memory i have is my mum painting the stairs wall a yellow colour. So dust sheets had been put down and i was not allowed to go into the hall. I heard my step dads car pull up and saw him get out and walk to the front door. He opened the door and said something to my mum. I could not hear because the living room door was closed. Then i heard shouting and things being smashed. I got up the courage and opened the door a bit.
My step dad was lying on the floor covered in yellow paint and the paint had splashed all over the walls, front door and carpet.
My step dad tried to get up and my mum picked up a full tin of paint and smashed it down onto his head.
He crashed to the floor again and i saw blood on the paint tin. My mum then walked towards him and the was going to hit him again. It was at this point that she noticed i was watching, her face as she looked at me was pure evil hatred. She put her arm down and moved towards me. I was so scared i ran and hid. When my mum found me she wrapped her arms around me and started to cry. She kept on telling me it was not my fault and no one would ever hurt me again.
A bit later she held my hand and we went back home. All the way she kept telling me how much she loved me and that she would never let anyone hurt me her son ever again.
When this happened my mum was short but was a big woman. Not fat but muscle. She had lived most of her life working on the family farm.
I remember looking up at her and she seemed huge, she had a look on her face that scared me but also made me feel safe. My mum had come to my rescue and had defended me from my step dad. It had been beaten into me that no one would or wanted to help me. Then here was my mum saying how much she loved me and was going to protect me. We got home and i was told to stay in my bedroom. As i climbed the stairs stepping over the paint i remember looking back from the top of the stairs and seeing the blood. I got scared and thought all this was my fault and that i was in trouble. That day my mum threw my step dad out and later filed for divorce.
Because my step brother was also abusing me the abuse carried on until i was sixteen.
I never told my mum, because i knew what my step brother was doing was wrong but how my mum reacted after finding out about my step dad scared me.
I told the counselor that i blamed my mum for the abuse. Why did she not notice it, how could it go on for so long and she not notice. Then she did not notice that my brother was still abusing me.
I told the counselor this and then suddenly i was blaming the counselor. I just let rip at him. I stood right in his face and felt so much anger in me towards him. I called him all the names under the sun and very nearly came close to hitting him. All this time he just stood there and talked to me.
He then stepped to one side and picked up a fold away chair and said if i wanted to smash something then smash this chair. I held the chair and came very close to putting it through the window.
I managed to calm down and told him about putting the chair through the window. He just looked at me and said don't worry a window can be broken and then fixed, just like you. This last bit hit me hard. Here was someone who i had threatened and nearly hit and had very nearly put a chair through a window, and did not react and was still trying to help me.
The words he said have stayed in my mind, '' don't worry a window can be broken and then fixed, just like you''.
This is someone who i trust and could talk to, but i had put all my anger about my abuse and my mum at him. I blamed him, i cursed him. Why.
Im sorry if i have gone on a bit, but i had to let this out. Sorry if its a bit long but things are very confused at the moment. Im scared and ashamed about posting this, but ive got to get it out of my head.

I have to stop now because i cant stop crying and all i want to do is curl up in a cupboard and hide. Sorry for being so weak..


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#195933 - 12/19/07 12:23 PM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
GentleSoul Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/05/07
Posts: 236
Loc: Manhattan
Absolutely inspiring. I wish I had your counselor. Hang in there.

_________________________
I can finally admit I pretend to say and do nice things so people will think I'm a standout guy.

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#196050 - 12/20/07 01:25 PM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: GentleSoul]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
It is ok SA.

I am glad your counselor is good person, and so are you.

Thanks for sharing. ((((safe hugs))))

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#196148 - 12/21/07 09:24 AM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: alexey]
rickochey Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/31/07
Posts: 13
Awesome. It is the crying that is allowing you to become the person God intended for you to be.


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#196179 - 12/21/07 03:06 PM Re: [Re: rickochey]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:04 PM)

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#196185 - 12/21/07 03:35 PM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: bardo213]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I try to keep my anger in check, but whatever i do it always turns back onto me.
Its like im in a turbo lift that randomly goes up and down. Stopping for a bit then down it goes. Im on medication for depression but after three months its not working. Im on a waiting list for a psychiatrist.
Shit it all seems so fucked up, i jump from being hyper to being so low it hurts.

Sorry for being so negative, but its how i feel. I just want to forget all this just for a minute and not have it in my head.


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#196186 - 12/21/07 04:00 PM Re: [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:05 PM)

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#196192 - 12/21/07 05:33 PM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: bardo213]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
I tried to write a letter, someone here told me to do this a while ago.
I sat there looking at the paper and i felt just one thing. I have sat here trying to write this word for the last half hour. I was ''scared''.
Its more than that, this might sound stupid but it felt like the part of me that was still a little hiding boy was scared.
I have tried to write a journal but i could not do it, i ended up being sick with fear.
The child in me is so scared, but the adult me is so FUCKING angry.
They took my childhood and trampled it into the dirt. Not once did they think about me, they only thought about the sick twisted pleasure that they took out on me.
I get so angry, no thats not the right word. I get so enraged, the whole world can stop for all i care.
I keep asking myself why. No answer comes, it just gets louder in my head like a chant. I feel like i can burst into flames from the heat coming from inside of me.

The only thing i want is to be a child. I want to play with my toys and run in the sun and not fear anyone or be scared. I want to be told by my dad that there are no monsters and go to sleep, knowing my dad will look after me as i sleep.

Not much FUCKING chance of that. They ripped my childhood away from me and all i feel is loss.


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#196197 - 12/21/07 06:36 PM Re: [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
...


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 04:05 PM)

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#196284 - 12/22/07 03:16 PM Re: Anger at counselor *****PARTS MIGHT TRIGGER***** [Re: bardo213]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
What do i feel in my heart. Im sorry but thats a place i cant go. I can feel all the emotions, feelings and thoughts and memories from my childhood. Its like a dead spot inside of me, this might sound weird but it sits inside of me and i feel the pain of it inside of me.

So what do i remember from my childhood.
Im not going into details, i told my wife everything that i remember and she was nearly sick. It shook her to her core.
I remember too much. There are plenty of grey shadows were memories are, but as it started when i was about five until i got away at sixteen. I remember enough of the abuse and its becoming harder to hold the thoughts in check.
Its not just memories, i wake in the night with the feeling that someone is holding my legs. Then other times i wake and find it hard to breath, im lying on my front and its like a weight is on my back.
So i dont sleep much, but even when im awake i feel as if someone is touching me or brushing against me.
As a kid i just shut off, completely. The only time in my life that i felt anything before i disclosed, was when i saw my future wife.
I dont mean i was numb, i mean i never had any emotions and now they are overwhelming me.
Several times i was sent to see child psychiatrist whilst i was at school. Because all the teachers and other adults said i was cold and did not show any feeling. Even the sports teacher said that when i got hurt i did not make a noise i would just sit there.
My mum admitted to me a few years ago that every time she looked in my eyes, when i was a kid and an adult she saw nothing just blank eyes.
When i joined the army i trained harder and put everything into being the best soldier i could. A few things happened in my adult life where i just froze and let someone do what they wanted. I was not going to let this happen again. I ended up being offered a transfer into a specialist unit and the training officer said i was right for the job as i did not feel.
For several years both in the army and in civvie street nothing affected me. I did not suppress anything i just did not have the ability to care of feel.
Now emotions are hitting me from every angle, day and night. I cant control them. When this happens they are so intense they blot everything out.
I get very angry at the slightest thing and then im paranoid about everyone around me. It gets so bad at times, that i cant even sleep in the same bed or room as my wife. I just cant sleep with someone else in the bed.
It goes in a cycle i get angry then paranoid. then its like im small again and scared of everything. Then i get angry and enraged, somtimes if i cant level myself i disassociate and lose time.
In plain english i feel so fucked up and confused, i dont think i can ever function normally..
Im still trying to sort it all out, but nothing seems to work. I know that all this seems negative but its how i live my life, trying to be level and watching everything i do.
At times i blame my mum at other times i blame the people who did this to me. But one thing i cant stop, is i keep blaming myself.


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