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#195822 - 12/18/07 03:24 PM Fix It (Strong Triggers)
kellygtx Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/11/07
Posts: 412
Loc: Texas, USA
So tired of hurting
so tired of trying not to hurt and feeling guilty when I do
and, then, not trusting how I feel
not having any right to feel the way I feel

I feel like shit, okay?
is that okay with you?
at least it's honest
at least I didn't say that everything's okay
- and smile – “…that’s fine with me.”
hell, I don’t even know who “me” is!

I do that quite a bit, when I feel like shit
it's what they need
but, I still feel like shit, I'm just smiling now

Shoot me another pill, will you?
I'm obviously a quart low on something!
the mix is off
long live the mix
I don't feel, I brew

Down?
“…add another this or that.”
“that'll fix it!”
“…you have Dysthymia!”
- and that was worth $160 hour?

Couldn't be my brother stuck his dick up my ass
a night or two
- or two hundred
it just doesn’t fucking matter
take twenty-two of these and call me
- in about a month or two

Admit that it felt good -
or does now -
hell, I might as well cut my myself!
well, to be honest
I tried that too

I'm down
I'll get over it
I always do
but, oh, this hurts, you know!
like a dark wind came along
carrying a noxious cloud
- it sucked everything out of me that mattered




Edited by kellygtx (12/18/07 03:57 PM)
_________________________
I bid you Peace.

Kelly

The time is always NOW. Breath In. Breath Out. Move On.

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#195898 - 12/19/07 05:46 AM Re: Fix It (Strong Triggers) [Re: kellygtx]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kelly,

Originally Posted By: kellygtx
So tired of hurting
so tired of trying not to hurt and feeling guilty when I do
and, then, not trusting how I feel
not having any right to feel the way I feel


In my experience at least, learning to give myself the right to feel again was crucial. I had to accept my feelings, in the sense of accepting that I really did have these feelings. But then I had to examine them, not trust them. So many of our feelings, especially about ourselves, are false lessons we learned in abuse.

But so far as claiming a right to your feelings is concerned, isn't that what you are doing when you write your poems? In fact, I think that's why guys so often choose to write poems here: it helps them claim their feelings when other ways seem too dangerous and painful.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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