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#195896 - 12/19/07 04:44 AM Thank Gawd For Music!
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I play the piano. My uncle (also my perp) also played piano, and every now and then I would fool around on his piano when he wasn’t home. It may sound odd to non-players, but the first time I laid my fingers to the keys and pressed down, I knew the cords. I mean, I didn’t know what kind of cords they were, but I knew when they’d go in a song. When my uncle was out of the house, I would sit there and try to figure out how to play a song. Sometimes I could play a little bit of a song, and sometimes half or most of it. It just seemed to be so easy for me, and mostly easy because I wanted to learn it.

A few times, my uncle caught me playing. He didn’t usually get angry, even though he said his piano was “off limits.” Instead, he would sit down on the bench next to me and show me different tricks. It was like a learning experience, much like the one that occurred in my bed or his. Sometimes I regret allowing him to teach me piano, because I think the abuse may have seemed owed to him, or something like that. Then there’s other days where I believe that if he had not showed me the proper way to play, or teach me different tricks, than maybe I wouldn’t have that place to escape to today. Yeah, I resent sometimes that I accepted gifts from him, but truthfully, I also like at it like, I deserved those gifts, not because of the “trade off” for what he was doing to me, but because I had to feel like I got something out of it.

When I was 10, and my uncle bought me my first piano, (which was a used broken down clunker) I have to admit, that piano allowed my fingers and my mind to wonder off to a different place. Music does strange things for me. It allows me to remember. It proves to me that happiness is available and love does exist, and dreams do come true. When I play music, or I listen, it can take me out of this body and out of this world and into another one. I can fly. I can dance. I can celebrate. I can achieve. I swear, music does that for me. Read these words and tell me they don’t make sense of things… or listen to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cndPHeBiM3s
That’s Esmee Denters and she’s my girl! J





Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your innovations
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, oh, oh

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inner visions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins

Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten
The rest is still unwritten

Oh, yeah, yeah


I’m just a gayboy, so maybe I’m a little sensitive to most things, but music for me is a passion. I don’t know if it will work for you, and I’m not saying that music is my cure, because I’m still all fucked up. The thing is, music allows me not to be fucked up all the time. It gives me peace, even if it’s only for a little while.
How do you feel about music? What’s your favorite song? What song really touches you and seems to define your experiences? If you tell me, I’ll play you a song. J


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#195916 - 12/19/07 08:18 AM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: JasonSmalls]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

That's really great you are into music. I think any kind of creativity helps us; it's an outlet for how we feel and sure, it allows us, as you say, "not to be fucked up all the time".

For me it's the guitar and the music is the blues. Guys in my family have been into roots, folk and blues music for a long time, and my great uncle traveled around and earned a living by playing where ever he could. This is him around 1935:



I started playing when I was 15, I think - not a long time after abuse ended for me. It was my refuge, a safe place I could go and just do something that made sense to me. I never had lessons but could just "do it" somehow. My Dad showed me a few basic chords and I just took off from there. I guess I got pretty good - had my photo in the newspaper later that year, but my Mom made me get a haircut beforehand!

I've got five guitars now and I still play, though not as much as I would like. My favorite song? Hmmmm. I don't know - there are so many fantastic old blues tunes that I really like. But here's one of my favorites for sure. This is a kind of rock version of an old blues song from the 30s, about a guy who wakes up in the morning and figures that the day is already so worthless he's going to have nothing better to do than "dust my broom".

Much love,
Larry


_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#195937 - 12/19/07 01:05 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: roadrunner]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Music has always been amazingly important to me - growing up there was always music playing in the house (if music was'nt playing I knew it was going to be a BAD day in that house cause that meant mom was in a bad mood) - mostly old country stuff - but I really did like it - somehow it just spoke very deeply to the core of me - it filled me with emmotions that I would not otherwise allow myself to feel

I loved to sing when I was younger - was in church choir till my voice started to change in my early teens - never went back to singing after that (mom did'nt like the attention I was drawing to myself anyways)

I also played the organ and keyboard some as a young kid - mom was taking lessons from this lady - and after their lesson was done this lady would teach me for a little bit for free just cause I was so interested in music - mom stopped getting lessons though when I started to get better at playing than she was - I learned to stop playing after that

Had a old beat up guitar too that the neighbor across the street had given to me that the lady who was giving organ lessons to my mom had tuned it up for me and showed me a bit of how to play it - but mom called it a piece of junk and threw it away before I ever got good at playing it

A song that stuck with me very much durring my childhood was "Patches" by Alabama (wish I could find a put a link to the song here) - it was a song that spoke very deeply to me - I was that child in rags and I always felt it was my duty to try to hold things together

Today I listen to many diffrent types of music - a lot of it depends upon how I'm feeling inside as to what I listen to on any given day - I really don't even have any favorites anymore cause to me it's all so good...

I have a guitar I bought years back - still hav'nt taught myself how to play it - I'm determined I will some day - just don't have a good place to practice without driving people crazy - lol

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#195991 - 12/19/07 10:18 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: TJ jeff]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Jason,

You speak so very eloquently of what music does for you. I agree. It's that way for me as well. I have 3 guitars tho I don't play them much. I love to play and sing but need a good bassist, at the very least to make it really fun. I wish I played piano like you do, but when I was growing up the kids all made so much fun of me already I figured it would really be bad if I had to take piano lessons on top of it all, so I didn't. Damn do I regret that now! Ah, well.

Anyhow I still love music. I sing in a Men's Chorus and love that. I've literally traveled around the world with them. Planning on a trip with them to Romania in 2009.

Thanks for sharing your passion with us. It's something that can take you through life and always offer you an outlet for your emotions no matter what it is you're experiencing.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#196036 - 12/20/07 12:34 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: WalkingSouth]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason,

I enjoyed reading your post.

I played a guitar in school. I like listening to a piano, especially played virtuously and with improvization.

I am really glad that playing piano and listening to the music helps you to return to yourself, as I see it.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#196040 - 12/20/07 12:49 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: JasonSmalls]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11084
Loc: Denver, CO
Jason,

Music has always been a passion for me too. Click here and you can hear me sing and play.

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#196054 - 12/20/07 02:01 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: FormerTexan]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Andy you are very good..I truly enjoyed your music and singing. You did justice to the poem.

Has anyone ever told you...you sound like Phil Collins?

With warm regards,

Dan


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#196056 - 12/20/07 02:04 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: DanM]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11084
Loc: Denver, CO
Thank you Dan, but I hope I'm not hijacking Jason's thread. It is after all his topic.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#196063 - 12/20/07 02:54 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: FormerTexan]
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Get your own topic! lol j/k hahaha


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#196075 - 12/20/07 04:25 PM Re: Thank Gawd For Music! [Re: JasonSmalls]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Jason,

I'm struggling to write this even now. My Piano Teacher was my primary abuser (not the first and unfortunately not the last) yet like you, my piano is my solace.

I can't say more right now, there are tears in my eyes that make it hard to type. I just wanted to give you a little gift. Check it out;

http://www.npr.org/templates/player/medi...5312&m=17265294

Warmest regards and Merry Christmas!

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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