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#196434 - 12/23/07 05:44 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: GateKPR4]
Lou Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/10/07
Posts: 100
Dear Indygal,

I am so sorry to hear that you are throwing in the towel, but know that you have many here that understand you.

In any relationship, regardless of CSA or any of the many other things that plague relationships, it takes a lot of work on the part of both individuals and can not be done alone.

I admire you for realizing that you have reached your saturation point and drawn your line in the sand.

We can only be responsible for ourselves and even though we can offer all kinds of love and support to our BFs/husbands, it really is their choice to make the efforts necessary to get the help they need to have the lives that they SO deserve! Likewise, it is our responsibility to do the things that give us the life that we too SO deserve.

As they say in Al-anon, let go and let God.....he does remarkable things....sometimes we just have to bow out and let him do his work without our interference.

May it bring you peace in knowing that you have done everything you can. You should be very proud of yourself and be able to walk away with your head held high.


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#196491 - 12/24/07 04:29 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: GateKPR4]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
apparently making a clean break of things is NOT in the cards at the moment.

he has listened quite well to my insistence he seek professional therapy - we are to speak again later this week. it is christmas eve here already. i will light a candle for him tonight and pray he finds the strength to face this journey he so desperately needs to start.

whatever your faith, if you are so inclined, please join me in a community effort, a collective act of will, perhaps, in concentrating positive thoughts his direction, that he will find the strength, the courage, to take the next step in the direction towards healing, and to finally realize, he is not alone.

to all of you, all the goodness and blessings possible this holiday.

indygal



_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#196493 - 12/24/07 06:40 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I too will light a candle for you both that you come through this difficult time.
Love & Light
Ricky

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#196509 - 12/24/07 10:32 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: GateKPR4]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
You got it, Indy....

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#196634 - 12/25/07 10:57 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: WalkingSouth]
honey girl Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/06
Posts: 245
Loc: Midwest US
Dear Indy,
I was sorry to read your initial post here a week or so ago, but didn't have the time to reply then. That bone-deep weariness you allude to is completely understandable. At the time, I thought (and still do, actually), good for you for holding your ground. In my own experience, it's the best possible way to live with survivorhood and its associated complications: not to get pulled in, certainly not beyond your own strength. A little over a year ago, well, probably closer to two years ago now, I made a similar declaration. It was a turning point for both of us. Without my assertion, however, that might not have happened at all.
I'm way too tired to say anything very coherent and helpful now, other than of course, I'm happy to send prayerful help to both of you. May some lightness and joy come your way soon.
Peace,
HG

_________________________
I'm just a poor wayfaring stranger, a million miles away from home.

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#196645 - 12/26/07 06:06 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: honey girl]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
everyone, thanks so much for your support.

i'm absolutely drained right now. hope to have some news soon.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#196735 - 12/26/07 08:24 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Indy,

I pray this is the turning point for each of you. I pray that you will retain your own strength and identity and that he will actively seek to get better.

I know that bone-tiredness sooooooo very well. What I hate is when one day I am feeling ok about things and even optimistic that things will work out. Then have a bad dream that very night, and THE VERY NEXT DAY, am just totally convinced that it will never work and that our relationship will never become authentic b/c he is so unconsciously hiding his true self and still cannot make eye contact with me. I'm saying the rollercoaster never seems to quit and my head often is spinning due to that.

Ck back w/ him after a year or two of therapy, is what I suggest, if he does indeed go through w/ it.

Thinking of you,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#196759 - 12/26/07 10:27 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: GateKPR4]
KeithR Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/06
Posts: 363
Loc: Georgia
I'm sorry Indy


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#196945 - 12/28/07 09:47 AM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: KeithR]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
ok, here goes.

being in a relationship with a survivor is kind of like those dreams we've all had where you are trying to run through water - very slow motion - kind of going nowhere but somewhere. the thing is, no matter what we talk about or argue about, he never comprehends the meaning of what i say - i think. maybe sometimes he does, but i don't ever know for sure. that's a pretty hard concept to wrap one's head around because we do both speak the same language, he just understands it differently.

i'm not sure i'm making sense, but then a lot of this doesn't make sense to me.

in a nonsurvivor relationship, if someone does something to the other person that offends that person, there is discussion or argument or outrage, whatever. then apologies, remorse, contrition, etc. or a break up, whatever.

here it's like, he can do something that is so blatantly obvious to the rest of the world it's offensive, would make any woman furious, yet he is absolutely CLUELESS as to how it's not appropriate - and worse - is horribly devastated to learn he's done something that IS inappropriate and hurtful.

this alone can leave anyone drained, exhausted and totally and absolutely befuddled as to how to deal with the situation.

and believe me, i don't use the word befuddled all that often but i am absolutely, without a doubt befuddled right now.

i also believe that unless, in my heart of hearts, i walk away completely, totally and with the conviction that this is the way it HAS to be, there is positively no hope whatsoever. things were getting better, or so i thought, but what it was actually was a maintenance of the status quo. i knew about his csa but that only made me partial to the "SECRET" and on the one hand, trustworthy and a confidante but on the other hand if he chose to be in his denial state, well, let's not have anything to do with anyone who dares to challenge reality as he sees it should be at that particular point in time, right?

no, i can't and won't live like that. i didn't realize what he was doing until it was almost too late. he wanted me to live in his world, the one where things never change, they stay the same, coping mechanisms abound and like the magical mystery tour and alice's wonderland there are many different ways to make the world beautiful; just those pesky little anxiety attacks and panic attacks and vomiting episodes keep popping up is all.

trish said it best some time ago when you mentioned something about him coming to live in OUR world - that's right - and warts and all - i do happen to love this world, reality, down to earth, down to the roots and dirt and all that's underneath - i want reality, not fantasy, not at all.

maybe that's why i CAN walk away - because i know the alternative and i can't do that, no way, uh uh.

maybe for him, his world is better. maybe he can conjure up more fantasies to replace me and he'll get on ok. maybe not. maybe he really did listen and hear what i said and make an effort to get help. i hope so, of course i do, and if he does and lets me know, i'll support him 100%. but those are huge "ifs" there and i'm not holding my breath.

i'm still a little numb from all this but at the same time, his love has made me stronger for having been this far. i don't consider the relationship a failure, or that we "lost" or anything like that - life is a journey, after all, and there are forks in the road where sometimes we have to choose which way to go. sometimes our loved ones choose a different direction, i've always been one to set my own path. sometimes others choose to come, sometimes they don't. it's just the way it is. i've been on my own for so long, nothing much has changed.

well, i DO wish i had better news, of course, but please don't despair fnf or survivors, ok? promise me you won't??

back in the 60's, we use to say "don't say good bye, that's forever, just say "see you later"" so that's all i'll say now, is see you later, i do know i'll be back, i just don't know when.

all the best,
indy

_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#196991 - 12/28/07 05:57 PM Re: throwing in the towel [Re: indygal]
weapher Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 60
Loc: Oregon
Thanks for being honest,

Being a survivor who has just started down the road to healing I understand all that you are saying. My wife shared with me for years that I would act and respond the same way as you are describing. She separated from me in June and made it clear that I needed help. Even then I was clueless... I started reading books, looking up resources, anything I could do to "be" better. Of course I became better... for a bit. Enough to get her back into my life until the next episode.

While we were apart she did some research and found me a therapist that has completely changed my life. I wanted to change for me and also for my family and this woman is helping me to do that.

So why the story... hang in there. No matter how clueless he may seem to be, there is a part of him that is crying out inside for the truth. I finally understand how survivors "detatch" from reality to cope, I understand what an "inner child" is... I am beginning to understand and recognize when I check out and fall back into the old destructive patterns. He may come around or he may not. Lord only knows. I encourage you to continue to pray for him and be strong in yourself. I know that when my wife and I were apart I thought she was the coldest woman I knew. As I have began to heal I am realizing that she is the strongest woman I know.

Keep being strong and keep doing the right thing. Sometimes when we lose the things that are closest to us for awhile we have to look inside of ourselves to see what might be the cause. He will do an inventory of his life and just might come up with the conclusion that there are some things broken that need fixed.

Hang in there and be strong,
weapher

_________________________
Facing the struggle makes you strong.

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