Evan - one thing you mentioned: I still think every adult that had sex with me is a sick person, but shouldn't I take responsibility for my part in it,my abuse lasted from age 10 till 18.

Where I live, UK - you would be described as a minor for at least 6 of those years. Adults having sex with you could certainly be jailed.

It's abuse because there is an imbalance of power betweeen adult and child. The adult should have much more knowledge of life, and be totally aware that you do not have sex with children....'even if they like it'.

Best wishes ...Rik

....

Evan,

"All i remember is that it was sex and i liked it." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"I used this to get what i wanted." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"I took some kind of pride in what i could make him do." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"The fire might have been in him but I provided the fuel that kept it burning." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I was a willing participant in other sexual relations with adults." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"My abuse lasted from age 10 till 18." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"As soon as I healed from the physical abuse I went right back to the sex ,just made sure i wouldn't get hurt again." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

"I became a sex addict at a very early age." IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

Much love,
Larry

Evan, what Larry says above is 100% without a doubt correct. As survivors of this sort of "sickness" that we have been unknowingly exposed to, we must give ourselves permission to not be held accountable for any desires we felt at that age, that were being so inappropriately carried to completion.

Sexual desires are a very adult matter. Unfortunately, testosterone is released and starts climbing to very high levels, very fast when boys are starting pubescence (I like that word better than "puberty"). That's why an abuser will sometimes tell a pre-pubescent child that what they are doing is a "game", because they know that children love games and this is the perfect bait to get the child to participate. What the child doesn't know is that his body is going to respond to some degree (they can still feel sexual pleasure, but they don't know that's what it is). The mysterious feeling of sexual pleasure is what usually brings them back to play the "game" again, and quite often to get other children to play it too.

I think that once testosterone gets going strong, the desire to seek out that pleasure becomes overwhelming. Most adults have difficulty controlling their sexual urges so you can just imagine how hard it would be for a child.

I remember there were times when I taunted my abuser too, I wanted to make him beg, and he did. I remember he wrote something down on a piece of paper and passed it over to me because our brothers were in the room. I think he wrote something like, "let's go upstairs" and then "I want a bj". I kept saying no and he started begging. It made me feel like I had some control, and it actually made me want to do it even more.

You're definitely not alone with this one. I think it's what ultimately makes us all carry the baggage around with us, we think we did it to ourselves.

thank you all i'm trying very hard to believe what you say

I know that feeling of disbelief quite well. Just keep reading these posts as many times as you think you need. Let it be the truth. Let your young self off the hook for liking pleasure, he deserves to be let off the hook, he needs you to let him off the hook. Your adult self can do that for him. Take all the time you need, there is no deadline.

Craig