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#195408 - 12/15/07 04:24 PM different types of victims? trigger warn
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
in another post its shown that there are different types of abusers ,my question is are there different types of victims? if you fought is that different from someone who liked it?if you just froze is that differtent? do victims go through stages just like the abuser does? for me untill it took physical violence to get him off and before we he did anal to me ,i'll admit i liked it ,in fact i went back time after time because i liked it. i missed it when i didnt have it ,what kind of victim does that make me? willing? yes it's still abuse but i did go along , shit guess this is a stupid question ,if i liked it then why am i here crying now? sorry maybe i dont belong here after all,because i have no excuse like ,well i needed love or attention ,or i was replacing my dad with my abuser, i didnt think or care i just wanted the sex ,in a way maybe i perped him , he started something but i kept it going . do kids at 12 or so need sex? i know i did so maybe it was me that wasn't normal . i was an abuser's dream come true .



Edited by evanesence (12/15/07 04:25 PM)

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#195413 - 12/15/07 04:55 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: evanesence]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I'm sorry that happened to you, Evan. \:\( I wish it hadn't. \:\(

I think there's different type of *people* in the world. One thing I hate about psychology is that they feel the need to put every little thing into boxes, and categorize it, when in fact, everything and everyone is different.

Every situation and every person depends on thousands of different events coming together. It hurts us by simplifying people's lives.

For me I "liked" it, I guess. The physical sensation at least. But I always felt confused after -- and dirty, but didn't know why I felt dirty. I remember just going through the motions too, to get the reward (going out to eat, toy, etc.) \:\(

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195414 - 12/15/07 05:01 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: AndyJB2005]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
thanks andy i feel real out of place here . because of how i was back then, evan


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#195415 - 12/15/07 05:05 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: evanesence]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I'm sorry you feel out of place. What can I do to help you feel more comfortable?

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195418 - 12/15/07 05:14 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: AndyJB2005]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Evan,

The fact is that emotionally needy boys, the ones pedophiles pick up, are desperate to feel affection from an older person, whatever form it takes. It is no wonder you liked it because: 1. YOU LIKED TO BE WANTED and 2. you body reacted to the sexual stimulus. It is known that many male survivors of sexul child abuse liked some part of it, but this is not demeanishing the consequences the men will have in their life. Plainy speaking, what was done to you was not healthy emotionally and physically.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#195423 - 12/15/07 05:35 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: alexey]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
evan,

One of the reasons why it is so difficult for society in general to accept that men and boys can be victims of sexual abuse is because they don't understand how something pleasurable can be considered harmful. I can relate to what you say, without a doubt, and it was the most difficult aspect for me to grasp when coming to terms with the fact that I was sexually abused. In fact, if it hadn't been for the ways it was totally destroying my life now, 32 years later, I would have never come to that realization.

You're not alone.

Beleive me, you belong here.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#195505 - 12/16/07 10:58 AM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: evanesence]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Evan,

Originally Posted By: evanesence
i feel real out of place here . because of how i was back then


Reading this after seeing your first post on this thread I think I can see where you're going with this. You look at things like liking it, missing it, going back for it and so forth, as factors that might make you different from boys who were taken by force every time. It looks like you see yourself as more guilty.

Evan, it just ain't so. So far as "liking it", hey, you're in a very large club and say hi here to a long-time member. I struggled with that too, but you know what? We are all sexual beings. When a boy is stimulated he will get an erection; if it continues he will reach orgasm; if he's old enough, he will ejaculate. As I was just saying to someone in chat last night, all this is a matter of physical response. The abuser may tell us, "See, you like it too", but in fact all it means is that the boy's "equipment is working okay.

So far as going back repeatedly, and missing it when the abuser isn't around, what the boy is usually missing is the feeling of being special and important he thinks he's getting. He's just too young to understand that he's being used or to see what's really going on. It's natural that he should connect sex, affection, love, and friendship as part of one thing and think that in exchange for the abuser's attention the least he can give him is the sex he wants.

Does a 12-year-old "need" sex? I don't know, bro. I can tell you that at the age of 12 the only thing that still seemed real in my life was the abuse. I do know that a child can be become extremely sexualized by abuse, and when that happens, yes, I guess you could say that he THINKS he needs sex.

But the bottom line here is that none of this is the kid's fault. We are all different and pose different situations and challenges when we show up in therapy. But at the end of the day, Evan, there's only ONE kind of victim of childhood sexual abuse - an innocent one.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#195506 - 12/16/07 10:59 AM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: evanesence]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Evan,

Originally Posted By: evanesence
i feel real out of place here . because of how i was back then


Reading this after seeing your first post on this thread I think I can see where you're going with this. You look at things like liking it, missing it, going back for it and so forth, as factors that might make you different from boys who were taken by force every time. It looks like you see yourself as more guilty.

Evan, it just ain't so. So far as "liking it", hey, you're in a very large club and say hi here to a long-time member. I struggled with that too, but you know what? We are all sexual beings. When a boy is stimulated he will get an erection; if it continues he will reach orgasm; if he's old enough, he will ejaculate. As I was just saying to someone in chat last night, all this is a matter of physical response. The abuser may tell us, "See, you like it too", but in fact all it means is that the boy's "equipment is working okay.

So far as going back repeatedly, and missing it when the abuser isn't around, what the boy is usually missing is the feeling of being special and important he thinks he's getting. He's just too young to understand that he's being used or to see what's really going on. It's natural that he should connect sex, affection, love, and friendship as part of one thing and think that in exchange for the abuser's attention the least he can give him is the sex he wants.

Does a 12-year-old "need" sex? I don't know, bro. I can tell you that at the age of 12 the only thing that still seemed real in my life was the abuse. I do know that a child can be become extremely sexualized by abuse, and when that happens, yes, I guess you could say that he THINKS he needs sex.

But the bottom line here is that none of this is the kid's fault. We are all different and pose different situations and challenges when we show up in therapy. But at the end of the day, Evan, there's only ONE kind of victim of childhood sexual abuse - an innocent one.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#195535 - 12/16/07 01:39 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: roadrunner]
evanesence Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 119
i never expected anyone to say it's not my fault after telling the truth about liking it,it's the first time i ever admitted liking it,to anyone except myself. thank you for this . while i still feel there is more to my involvment in my abuse it sure helps to hear that maybe liking it don't mean what i think it does. i'm not a kid anymore and maybe can't look at it through a kids eyes,but i dont remember ever thinking it was about love or power all i remember is that it was sex and i liked it. after a while untill i just got tired of doing it over and over sometimes all night , i think it was me that had the power over him ,i thought that i could say no and make him do anything to get me to let him do it,i know that before it got physical i could control him with sex ,i could take him right to the edge and stop ,he would beg me to continue,he would shake and sweat ,just seeing me made him so excited that he would agree to anything ,if you buy me this i'll do that for you, i used this to get what i wanted. god i'm not sure who was worse me or him,i took some kind of pride in what i could make him do ,but when i did say no he discovered that hitting me gave him some different kind of rush. and when i wanted out ,that was not going to happen. is it possible that i pushed him into the physical violence? if i had told on him or fought right from the start maybe he never would have discoverd that he liked inflicting pain just as much as he liked the sex part. every study says that abuse is about power,but who has that power makes a difference right? at one time i was in control ,i had the power not him,so i dont think my abuse was about him having power over me ,and after so long of me going along even liking it ,when i said no i think his reaction was different than it would have been otherwise. the fire might have been in him but i provided the fuel that kept it burnning . i know it can be anaylized to death how a kid reacts but i do know that in my case i dont believe it was about anything except my unending desire for sex ,even after the abuse with him ended i was a willing participant in other sexual relations with adults,even after the beatings and injuries ,i still wanted sex and as long as it didn't hurt i saw nothing wrong with it ,i dont know what i'm asking here in the way of advice ,but i need to get this out of me ,to admit my part in what happened. i still think every adult that had sex with me is a sick person ,but shouldn't i take responsibility for my part in it ,my abuse lasted from age 10 till 18 ,the only time i was ever forced or hurt was maybe 1 year of that time. jesus i really do feel like i perped them not the other way around. as soon as i healed from the physical abuse i went right back to the sex ,just made sure i wouldn't get hurt again. i know this place is about putting the blame where it belongs ,on the abuser ,but i can't help feeling like most of it was my fault . i became a sex addict at a very early age and to this day it is still something that is on my mind constantly, i fantasize about the things i did as a kid and it arouses me ,i still miss that rush ,that drug. i think i have spent most of my adult life in and out of straight relationships trying to find that rush i got as a kid . i have not found it . i think that's when innocence is lost,that first sex experience is forever burned into our minds and many of us spend our life trying to get that feeling again,if it's a normal growing up thing where you have sex with the opposite sex then having sex with women will be how your oriented ,but what if it's not normal? what if it's twisted? no i dont fantasize about having sex with a kid ,i fantasize about being the kid,god i'm so fucked up !


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#195540 - 12/16/07 02:30 PM Re: different types of victims? trigger warn [Re: evanesence]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Evan,
I lived with one of my abusers for almost 2 years. Sometimes I did enjoy sexual contact, I liked the attention, I wanted to feel needed. I wanted to feel special. Many of the perps gave me this emotional element that I was not getting anywhere else. I thought much like you until the older I got the more fragmented my mind got and it just got to be too much. Guilt, shame, fear, feeling dirty, something was not right. I finally discovered it was the abuse that I kept hidden deep in my mind that had caused most of the misery I had been living for 25 years. unless there is physical brain damage
we can relearn to do anything. This includes how we feel about and think about life and ourselves. Its work but its worth it.
You are in the right place Welcome to MS.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
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