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#190400 - 11/07/07 11:43 PM Love is making me crazy
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
So, I met a guy last Friday. We were at a bar, and we talked for three hours. It was really wonderful. I'm usually a shy loner, but drinking brings out the social side of me. I didn't go home with him, which was his decision. I thought it was sweet. He said that we shouldn't, because he had to get up early. "And, there are other reasons." He added. "I know...I mean, I like you, other than the fact that you're really hot." I said. He chuckled, and looked at me strangely. But I told him that I was too honest sometimes, and I think then, he knew what I meant.

Anyway, I called him on Sunday. Over the phone I was awkward. I was never very good on the phone. I don't know if others have this problem. I barely spoke until I was about nineteeen. I was abused by a teacher for two years beginning when I was eight. It's easier if I can look at someone, sort of glean what I'm saying from their face, if that makes sense.

I've been eating less. I haven't been sleeping well. This is taking a heavy toll on me. We went on a date on Monday, and I feel like I did my best, but my whole body was out to sabatoge me. I was so nervous. Literally, it was as if I was in an altered state of consciousness. The waiter would bring bread to the table, and I wouldn't even notice it. It would just suddenly appear to my left. Towards the end of the date, I got incredibly cold, for some reason, shivering. It wasn't cold in the restaurant. I ate so little; well, at least I wasn't a slob.

He mentioned he had to go to work early the next day. I took this as meaning that we should wait to sleep together. But we hung around the train station for forty minutes, and I couldn't tell if he was waiting for me to invite myself to his place. I felt as if I had no will. I didn't care, one way or the other. I think he couldn't read me. With sex, I don't know how to take the initiative. I don't know how to want it. I accept it, passively, as I did with rape.

I'm twenty-five now, never been in a relationship. I've slept with men before. But I've gone for about two years without sleeping with anyone, and have begun to doubt my sexuality. Last time I had a crush, it was on a woman.

But I like a man now. I'm okay with that. The last man I cared about was much older than me. It was a strange relationship. We never got together, but it seemed like we would, so many times. He's a Harvard dropout, who lived with his mother until a few years ago, and would choose, trashy, worthless men over me, and then try to woe me when it didn't work out. Nonetheless, I remained his friend, in a kind of facsimile of a romance, because I knew him and could be myself with him.

This guy is different. He's nice. He has his shit together. He's an MIT graduate and a school teacher. I've gone on dates with other men, and it's never been this hard. I think it's because I actually like him. I'm so scared. I feel it physically. It's as if my body remembers what "love" did to me. Vaguely, I can recall having feelings towards the pedophile that resembled love: jealousy when a girl called him cute to another girl, protectiveness when my classmates gave him a hard time. He truly warped my mind.

I don't know this guy that well. We're not a perfect match. For instance, he kicked out his roommate because his roommate was messy, and my studio apartment is a pig sty. He's prim and sensitive, and I can be blunt and gruff. But I'd like to know more about him. I'd like to spend more time with him. I'm terrified that my scars will make me lose him before I find out if he's someone I can love.

All in all, I'm happy. I keep listening to "This Is Love," by PJ Harvey and "I Wish U Heaven," by Prince, while I smoke my cigarettes. But I really don't want to screw it up. If he knew my life, he would be more forgiving of my distrust and edginess. Yet, it's like I'm in a competition, and I have a sprained ankle. The rules don't change just because I'm at a disadvantage. I'm looking for advice and to hear the experiences of other survivors.

The thing is that, this time, he's a very decent man. So, I can't say he's a mess, or he's mean to me. If it doesn't work out, I feel it will be because I couldn't trust him, though I want so much to.


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#190440 - 11/08/07 09:33 AM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Bewlayb1]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
aww you are twitterpated. thats awesome. of course you are over analyzing things. no one is a "perfect match" but relationships are about accepting each others flaws. give and take. just take it slow. things will evolve. it will either evolve into a relationship, or fizzle out.


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#190460 - 11/08/07 01:21 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Jarrad]
cbfull Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/07
Posts: 386
Loc: Ohio
Sometimes I think there ought to be a group for people like us. "Overanalyzers Anonymous"

_________________________
Craig

Guilt and shame have never done any of us any good at all.

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#190464 - 11/08/07 01:56 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: cbfull]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Yes, I know what you mean. I overanalyze. Sometimes it comes in handy. I'm an aspiring writer, and being able to wring meaning from the most trivial of occurrences can make for compelling fiction. You can turn anything into something deep. However, in real life it usually gets me worked up over small things.

Anyway, I'm going to call him again either today, or tomorrow. Wish me luck, guys.


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#190536 - 11/08/07 11:01 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Bewlayb1]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
OH heck sign me up too. I could them 8 days a week. I overanalyze EVERYTHING LOL

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#191237 - 11/12/07 11:03 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: James_dup1]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Update: I was totally right. I did mess it up. We were supposed to do something last weekend. I called, left a message, and he never called back. In a way, this seems small, especially after reading these posts, and all that I went through in my own life. I mean, I can speak! For so long, I barely spoke at all. I lived through ten years of hell, from eight to eighteen, when I knew that I was mad, and didn't know why, and was so afraid of people finding out. I had breakdowns at college, ranging from mild to major. But for five years, I've been absolutely fine. I have my own place. I have a job. I've even been published in a small literary magazine.

And yet, I am still alone. It's especially cruel given how much I've always wanted love. People at work, where I'm closeted, assume I'm gay because I'm handsome and haven't had a girlfriend. My gay friends think I'm weird, because I haven't had a boyfriend.

Maybe it's the way I reacted to my abuse. I saw sex as evil. I cut myself off from my desires. I retreated completely inside myself, so no one would hurt me. I still don't enjoy sex, and, honestly, don't want to.

I know this sounds weird, but I got a tarot reading from a gypsy in my neighborhood. I go to her everytime something doesn't work out for me. Say what you will, but she's pretty accurate.

She said: "He sensed your distrust. He was interested in you, but you were paranoid. You're a very positive person, but most people don't get that from you."

Then, she said: "Pursue him. But there will be someone else." So, I'm not giving up hope. One day, I'll overcome this. It feels like a curse. But I'm not losing any more money to that gypsy on the corner!


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#191748 - 11/17/07 09:24 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Bewlayb1]
cat lover Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/09/05
Posts: 89
Loc: Denver, Colorado
Hey guy. Thanks for the update. You deserve to be with someone who has the courtesy of returning your phone call to cancel or change plans. Leaving you hanging is just plain rude. I think the guy's a jerk for playing games with you. Just my two cents.


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#193128 - 11/29/07 09:44 AM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Bewlayb1]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Don't assume you messed things up unless and until you hear it from the horse's mouth. There could be a thousand reasons why he didn't call you that don't have anything to do with you...

Actually, it seems like your Tarot Reader could be a pretty good therapist. I don't believe in the cards, but I think she read you and offered good, practical advice. I think you should continue to persue this guy and not assume that he is a rude jerk just because he didn't return one call. The chances of him turning out to be "Mr Right" are slim though, and there will most likely be other guys after him. That doesn't mean that you won't benefit from the experience while it lasts.

I think you still have a lot to learn about yourself. When you can't anticipate your own reactions, put yourself into an altered state with anxiety, or, act in ways that are contrary to your own best interests, You are not in control.

Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
But for five years, I've been absolutely fine. I have my own place. I have a job. And yet, I am still alone. It's especially cruel given how much I've always wanted love. People at work, where I'm closeted, assume I'm gay because I'm handsome and haven't had a girlfriend. My gay friends think I'm weird, because I haven't had a boyfriend.

Maybe it's the way I reacted to my abuse. I saw sex as evil. I cut myself off from my desires. I retreated completely inside myself, so no one would hurt me. I still don't enjoy sex, and, honestly, don't want to.


Sorry, but it doesn't seem like you are 'absolutely fine'. You have obviously made some great progress and you are functional, but you still live in fear and confusion. Fear of others, and fear of yourself too, I think. You don't trust your own feelings, and that can be very confusing. Yes, you overanalyze; and being analytical is a good thing for writing and other endeavors where you can be objective. However, like me (and a lot of the rest of us, I suspect)your rationale is distorted when it comes to YOU. In that regard, overanalyzing just leads to more confusion and frustration. You want love, but you hide from it. When you say that you don't enjoy sex and you don't want to, but yet you are willing (in fact, anxious) to have sex (in exchange for love?)it indicates to me that you are not on level ground (if you know what I mean...LOL) I'm not criticising; I know exactly where you are coming from; I've been there and I've seen the same thing in many other people.

You are very clear when it comes to expressing yourelf in writing. I would not be surprised if you send out very mixed signals when it comes to personal interaction. I'm not sure how you can 'be yourself' when you don't know who you really are... One thing you could work on is relaxing and being honest. You don't have to wear your feelings or your history on your sleeve, but you can't deny or hide them either. People will know that you have a secret and try to imagine what it could be... and their imagination will be worse than the truth ever could be.

I am glad to see that even though you closet your feelings, you don't keep yourself in a closet. I'm glad you get out and socialize, because that's how we learn (and re-learn) how to interact with society and with individuals. Your trust in humanity has undoubtedly been seriously shaken. Eventually, if you keep trying and learn from your mistakes, you will see that there are good people out there and learn how to identify them. Everyone wants the kind of relationships that we think we deserve; CSA survivors often think they don't deserve much... If anything, because of their abuse, survivors actually deserve more love than other people. Passion as well as compassion. Honesty. Trust. Understanding.

Be patient with yourself, and keep trying. Keep trying to figure things out, and keep learning about yourself. Keep looking for that person who will want to give you the love you deserve, not just the kind of love you THINK you deserve.

Best wishes.

Lazarus

P.S. In my experience, I've found that Love will always drive you crazy from time to time!

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#194599 - 12/09/07 07:09 PM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Lazarus]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thank you for that reply Lazurus. I responded to the last post you sent me under "sexual ambiguity after being raped." I don't know if you read it. Your advice is often helpful and always goodhearted.

No major new developments in the love area, except that the Harvard dropout who toys with me dedicated a song to me on our favorite bar's karoake night. It was Ashes to Ashes, by David Bowie: probably the best song ever written. I found myself swooning over him again, though I know he's no good. Really, he's the closest I've ever been to love.

I like a woman too. I like her a lot, but since she knows I'm gay, I have my doubts as to whether she'll take me seriously. Anyway, I haven't seen her around for several weeks. The next time I do, I'll have plenty to write about, good, or bad.


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#195463 - 12/16/07 02:26 AM Re: Love is making me crazy [Re: Bewlayb1]
Daniel72 Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Texas, USA
You know, I really believe there is someone out there for everyone. Of course, whoever accepts me will have to accept my good points and my flaws. Just give it some time. :-)


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