I was working at a house yesterday and there was a graveyard out back of the house. It was kind of hard, I was looking at some people who were coming and going all day long. They were laying flowers, or just standing for a bit and leaving. My Mother died about a year and a half ago and I almost kind of envied them for the acceptance they seemed to have with the death of someone they knew and obviously cared for. I just haven't been able to do this, I still feel like I haven't mourned her death yet. Like I won't allow it happen, I went from cold and emotionless to 2 weeks of avoiding her while she was in palliative. I held her hand when she took her last breath, it was the most horrible moment of my existence and after she had died I left all the family that was there and went and sat in a room at the hospital by myself, I cried for about half an hour and then went back to being cold and emotionless about the whole thing. I wouldn't say that my emotions aren't through the roof about it but I just put it away. I started drinking again after seven years of abstinence so I do know I'm hiding from it, but yesterday I went there for a brief moment because I really felt that loss for a second. The thing is I ran again after that brief feeling, it was horrible, I haven't felt that kind of powerful emotion for a long time, it scared the crap out of me.

I know this is what I'm searching for, but how the hell do I feel that without absolutely falling apart. It's a complete loss of control, I don't know how to feel.

Mike

I can relate, Mike. I'm still mourning my grandpa's death in 2001. 6 years, can't believe it. I still think about him most days. What he would think or say in situations. I just miss him. But I'm becoming more independent now, hopefully. He was really my "real" father. And the only sane role model I had for a while, besides my sister.

Mike,

This business of feelings is rough for survivors, and I think one of the biggest reasons is that we are trying to hide not so much from feelings about others as from feelings about ourselves - old bad feelings that abuse gave us. So we get the idea that we have to stop feeling anything at all. That seems reassuring - we are in control. I remember when I was about 24 and a friend of mine asked me, "Larry, don't you ever get angry?" That felt good! I was in control.

But in control of what? Not in control of my life, that's for sure. By hiding from my feelings I was hiding from life itself. And was I in control? Not really. It was still the abuser who was in control. After years, he was still dictating to me; he was still keeping me silent, and he was even preventing me from feeling.

My experience, Mike, was that when I began to allow myself to feel again I was overwhelmed - everything was coming at me from everywhere at once. Kind of like opening the flood gates, I suppose. I think that's one reason we really need a T to help us through all this; the T will guide us, help us to understand, and try to minimize the new pain and trauma.

I can't say it's an easy ride, Mike, but if we want our lives back it's a journey we have to make. If it helps, though, remember that you don't have to make it alone.

Much love,
Larry

Mike,

I relate to so much in your postings. I too have felt so cold and emotionless my whole life. For me, some recent work I'm doing with my therapist is really helpful getting unfrozen, understanding myself, getting free of the control of the abuse. It's all about my relationship with my physical body. I experience my emotions as terrifying, overwhelming a great deal and freeze up/turn emotionless. The freezing up is a trauma response I learned. I'm learning to feel the strengthening sensations in my body that help feel less overwhelmed and terrified when I feel. I learning to feel and recognize when I am in the process of, when I have, frozen up and learning how to calm myself down, pay atention to calming my self down, feel in control of how much I'm feeling. It makes emotions less like a step off the edge in the dark. It's really kind of getting used to tuning into all the bodily sensations that lead to emotions and ways to manage them. It's kind of letting me live for the first time in my life.

Mike - it's grieving. I locked my mind for many years, vowing not to cry for anyone or anything ever again when I was 12 years old. The only time I broke that vow in decades, was when mu dog died when I was 19. I started to let the grief out when I finally started to deal with all this stuff over the last few years. It can be overpowering, and extremely frightening.

I have found that since I started to deal with it, I still hit a few lows, but never as low as I was before I dealt with it.

I was also frightened of who I might actually be when I got to the otherside. I don't really think there was too much to worry about there with hindsight.

Best wishes... Rik

yea-feelings----------------i havent felt in years------------------------------my mother died--8 years ago---------------my dad called said she is gone------------------dont bother comming home-he saids---------------------no funeral------------just going to burn her--------------------i had no feelings about this-------------------still dont-i dont think about her--------------------like she never was------------------------------Mike i hope you find what you are looking for----steve

Mike,

I want to thank you for raising this issue. I have been thinking about this in recent weeks. In the last 14 years, i lost my mother, father and brother; the last two in a span of about two years. I always was bothered by why i didn't really grieve their passing, at least not like i thought i should. I have a very difficult time dealing with death...a friend of mine died in recent months and I could barely bring myself to attend the wake. I also have a very difficult time looking at photos of my dead family members and have never had any on display in my house. I would imagine this is a protective reaction from years of dealing with the affects of CSA. Since I have started the healing process, I have been overwhelmed with what I think is grief and sadness. I really don't know what to make of it. I am hoping this is normal because as I think about it, I really don't know what normal feelings are. I have locked everything up for so long, I became emotionless and frozen.

I like you really want to feel again....hang in there.

Dan

Thanks guys. One of the harder parts with Mother is she was also abusive, not sexual but pretty much everything else. When she did die I had this great feeling of freedom, I was finally no longer tethered to her, but I also did love her and I know she loved me. Maybe a little too much. I know I was used to fill lots of her unresolved issues. If the feelings were just hate then fine I could probably deal with that easier, or if just love then the same thing, it probably would be easier. But it's so conflicting and so much of each it's hard to even concentrate when I think about it.

Stay strong
Mike

Mike,
I too had a big issue with this when my father died. Even though he was an alcoholic and verbally abusive to all of us including my mom , I still loved and hated him. I cried at the funeral, I never went to see him in the hospital and did not go to his grave until I was about 23. He died when I was 18. Took a lot of years to come to terms with all the emotions I felt and had hidden about his death.
I never really knew my dad but I do know one thing and that is he was a good man at heart. Who knows what led him down the path he took and why he never got help. It's over now, it has been so many years I believe in the man who had a good heart and did love us all before he became abusive.
I guess at times I'm still just as confused as you.