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#195080 - 12/13/07 11:26 AM
Broken
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
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I'm just hate this feeling of being broken, like what I'm feeling is not normal, like the majority don't feel like I do. Heard it over and over, They just keep reinforcing over and over again that I'm not normal. My older brother is like me in so many ways, it's hard to tell us apart when I'm in my "mode", I'm sure many know the "mode", surviving, smiling, laughing. "Normal". Shit I can play that game forever, course when I'm alone the differences are huge. He's married (not a chance for me), he can get a women anytime he feels like it (not a chance for me), he can say "just let it go" (not a chance for me), feel like I'm "broken". Not nice to think I'm a broken. Reinforces that negativity, wish I could go to the machanic and get it fixed, not knowing anything about fixing my car it feels like someone has said "just" change out the tranny, if you don't know anything about tranny's how the hell can I "just change out the tranny". But they make it sound so easy. "it's that stupid "just" speech.
Hate the word "just" they make it sound so easy. Like they've fixed a RAPE before. "Oh yea, I know what you're talking about, "JUST" swap it out.
I hate being broken, "just" want to be normal.
Stay strong. Right?
Mike
_________________________
Thriving
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#195093 - 12/13/07 12:33 PM
Re: Broken
[Re: Still]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 683
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
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Jeez Mike! I soooooo know what you mean!!! I can act so normal, busy, thriving... to hide the dark hole in me I can't live with, that just eats me up inside.... Yeah, so broken... if just...
I too have a brother. Nice house, nice wife, nice daughter, nice career... But... shit. Not me... I say I just can't find the beginning... Of me. Of my life, it just all keeps reeking of this damn sexual abuse stuff that happened to me!!!
Why can't I ***JUST*** get over it... I SOOOOO just want my life back from that bastard...
We're sure as hell aren't alone anymore.
_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté
And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom
Paul Eluard
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#195099 - 12/13/07 01:15 PM
Re: Broken
[Re: LandOfShadow]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
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Hey Rob, hurts to read your post so much, to feel like you can relate helps so much. But hurts to think that after 8 month's I've finally convinced you I'm in pain. Just hurts to think it took 8 months to convince you I'm hurting. What? I just don't know. Am I that good at hiding it?
Mike
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Thriving
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#195105 - 12/13/07 02:28 PM
Re: Broken
[Re: mogigo]
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Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
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I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Just remember it won't last for long.
Alexey
_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!
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#195134 - 12/13/07 06:32 PM
Re: Broken
[Re: alexey]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
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Hey guys, thanks.
Rob sorry, I took your message the wrong way. I appreciate your response.
Mike
_________________________
Thriving
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#195335 - 12/15/07 06:43 AM
Re: Broken
[Re: mogigo]
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Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
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Mike,
One thing this thread can perhaps show you is how useful it can be to sit down and type out the words. When we do that we're not only letting others know how badly we are hurting, we're also giving them a chance to reach out to us and let us know how concerned about us they are. Quite often our friends have been there for us all along; we just need to give them the opportunity to speak up.
Much love,
Larry
_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me. (Woody Guthrie)
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#195341 - 12/15/07 07:48 AM
Re: Broken
[Re: roadrunner]
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Member
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
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Mike, You can see from an earlier post I am experiencing the same feelings. It is a sad place to be when you think nobody cares, you can't tell anyone, and can't feel the love that others are offering that really care. The wasted years of pain and suffering , drugs and alcohol, suicide attempts, institutions, alone, lost, fragmented, not even knowing myself. The lies, betrayal of friendship, not able to see the world around me without thinking of the lack of trust I have. The hostility of every day living beating up myself because of something I don't understand, feelings I can't express because I don't know how. Frustration over broken relationships with broken people because I don't know what a healthy relationship is. my heart aches for my loss and yours too. I wish it could all go away and it will be OK but it wont until I face the truth. Which I have and that it is not my fault!
I still hold strong to the belief of what my T told me. I am a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences. We are not broken people. I feel your pain and thank you for sharing your feelings here. My friend said if I share my pain with someone I give 1/2 of it away and I have less after. The more I share my experience and feelings I not only lessen my pain but help others to get through theirs. Sorry its such a long post, this just hit home for me. peace Rick
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I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_ô¿ô_m__
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