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#195329 - 12/15/07 04:13 AM It Hurts
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Does anyone ever feel like the memories just flat out hurt? I'm talking about physical pain here. Sometimes, I think the stress gets so bad, I panick, I become nasious, and ultimately I get pain in my stomach and chest. I know... they're panick attacks, but I think it's more than that. I feel pain all over and I get very violent, but not towards people. I pick up whatever is near me and heave it through or against something I'll regret being in its way later. Which brings me to another point... I think I act out entirely too much. It's true, and I know this about myself. I freak out constantly and lose control over myself for a little while. I feel like slapping a wall or kicking a door. Sometimes I just want to curl up by myself and cry. I feel so many different feelings, I never know which to work on first.
I had an argument with my boyfriend last night. I pushed him against a wall and he got all pissed and ran off. The thing is, since he knows about my past, he thinks he has the right to ask me about stuff. He always wants to know what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and I'm just getting sick of the interrogation. I don't know... I'm probably wrong like usual.

Then I walked home by myself and stopped at a store in the "gayborhood," and some old dude started flirting with me. I got sooo triggered and I just ran outta there so fast. I even forgot my food. I mean anyway, this dude was like 40! It made me sooo sooo sick that he was hitting on me. Gross!

Anyway, I don't have much to talk about now. I'm gonna try to go back to bed in a bit. Bye!


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#195332 - 12/15/07 07:28 AM Re: It Hurts [Re: JasonSmalls]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I'm really sorry all those feelings are hitting you like this. I remember feeling lost in the feelings I was experiencing. My T asked me what I was feeling and I couldn't really say. There were too many and they were hitting me from all sides at once; it felt like an emotional hurricane.

Sometimes our anger really needs a physical outlet, bro. One thing I have seen people suggest is to beat on a tree with a baseball bat (wearing gloves to protect your hands), but I'm not sure that's a good idea. It gives us the message that when we're angry we need a violent outlet. I would rather see a guy go running, swimming, something like that. We need to get used to the message that violence reactions won't help us.

As for your boyfriend, since he knows your past and cares about you, he wants to communicate with you; he wants you to let him into your world of feelings. If this is feeling like interrogation to you, then you need to find a way to tell him that also acknowledges that you see he's just trying to help. It's not so much a matter of who's right and wrong as finding a way for the two of you to be able to talk about this. He probably has questions too, and he may even be worried about losing you as his boyfriend, after all.

I always find that the best thing I can do to help myself is to talk about things. With friends, on the discussion board here, in chat - wherever. But do talk about it. When we do that we are letting our feelings out so the anger doesn't build up; it's better for it to come out like that than for it to explode out suddenly some other time. Talking about it also shows us we aren't alone and lot, and who knows, it may give us useful ideas that have helped others.

Hang in there Jason; it may not feel like it right now, but you're doing well. Sometimes it's just very VERY hard.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#195394 - 12/15/07 01:42 PM Re: It Hurts [Re: roadrunner]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason,

I am sorry you have so bad feelings. I think you do not feel like telling you friend about how you feel and what you think because this would mean that you become really close with him. It means intimacy in an emotional way, and this is always very hard for survivors to do. So you are obviously keeping keeping boundaries between you and him.

I do not know what is good for you NOW, but in the future, I am sure, you will be more open with close people without feeling anything bad.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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