Newest Members
BCtejas, JHNebraska, mike42069, JACKL, Personman
12491 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
mrwhiskers (25), SouthernLaw (41), TerryT (61)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 12 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12491 Members
74 Forums
64159 Topics
447734 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#195319 - 12/14/07 11:23 PM He "loved" me but after six years he left... why?
deardragonfly Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/14/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
I'm not a fan of long posts but as I am new here, I can understand that some background is appropriate.
I met my wonderful man six years ago. We dated and then moved far too fast into co-habitation. He felt it was important for me to know some significant items from his past. He first admitted to having slept with many different women... too many. He felt that it was a shameful part of his life that had left him feeling empty. Later he painfully admitted that he was assaulted by an older man at the age of 13. He did not want to say more than that. We had a total of three conversations about it and all that I could learn was that he had never told anyone, did not want anyone to know and that he was not ready to face the emotional issues or to get help.
For the next five years, I watched the man I love go through several addictions. First, on-line gambling. Then, hours of daily porn. This year it was sitting in a bar every afternoon drinking. Each time I asked him to look at his behaviour, he shut down and walked away. Last month he finally left.

After he left I was very hurt and finally told his mother about his abuse. We did not discuss it. I am not sure what she said to him or how she approached the subject, but he is now going to therapy.
We have been a family for six years. I have two young sons who he has been raising as his own. He is a wonderful father (although he attempts to control, without leading by example) and a great partner. We miss him greatly.
I love this man dearly, but not enough for both of us. I understand that he needs to love himself and stop being a victim.

He claims that he stopped loving me years ago, but has been telling me that he would never leave and just how much he loves me up until a month ago.
We had sex issues. During sex, he would always be having sex in his head and making it a "dirty" act instead of a loving one. I told him that this wasn't working for me anymore and he never initiated sex again.

I needed answers and pushed him to finally communicate with me. He wrote;
I am not in love with you anymore. Maybe you are right. Maybe I am incapable of loving. I am walking away from relationships indefininately. I am going to find out what true aloneness is like.
I feel in some way or another that I have hurt just about everyone who I have let get close to me in my life. What I'm trying to do is forgive myself.

When he left he initially went to his mother, but then he ran from her. He wrote;
I have to tell her that I feel no real trust in her. I feel that no one understands me at all and I am right. I don't blame anyone though. I know it's me not letting anyone in.

How do I help?
Is letting go the answer?
He has asked me not to contact him and even called the police.

I am afraid for him.


Top
#195325 - 12/15/07 04:02 AM Re: He "loved" me but after six years he left... why? [Re: deardragonfly]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
DearDragonfly:

I am sorry for your struggles. None of this is fair...the survivor is often fighting a battle within themselves and without the proper help, support or insight are often stuck within that battle indefinitely.

I understand your concern for him but unfortunately the healing and want for better must begin with his desire and work for better. Sometimes a survivor must sink to the bottom in the sea of confusion before they find the means to float to the surface. The unfortunate thing is that this process can take years! There are some that remain stuck in that self imposed heartache indefinitely.

I truly feel for your boyfriend and I feel for your pain in this as well. I wish there was something more I could offer you other than support. Just know that you are not alone in this.

Throughout the relationship with my husband there was something looming over us. I had no idea that it was child sexual abuse. He drank and often passed out in front of the television, sunk into a horrible depression, pushed me and our kids away, was addicted to porn, expressed fits of anger, spent money we could not afford to spend...it worsened in a five year spiral downward. About a year and a half ago, he nearly lost everything...I believe this was the low point he was forced to work up from.

During this time I had to keep living though. I could not lay down and join him in his despair. We had kids to think about, responsibilities to worry about...so I kept going. I've finally realized that these issues belong to him and I have a responsibility to my own happiness and growth just as he has ownership of his own. About the only thing you possibly can do is move forward and hope that your boyfriend someday joins you again.

Just know you are not alone and that many of us can truly understand how you feel in this from first hand experience.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

Top
#195342 - 12/15/07 08:52 AM Re: He "loved" me but after six years he left... why? [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
DearDragonfly,

I'm so sorry for all of this. Loving a man who cannot love himself dooms you to a life of heartache since without love of self, love for someone else can't find it's way through the muck.

You said he's in therapy now which is the best sentence in your post. Do you let go? Only you can answer this, but I'd say not completely. You have a life and family with this man. Live your life, take care of yourself and your children, but leave the door open for him if you can and if he wants it. Sometimes, just letting someone know that they have a safe place to come to will be a lifesaver and give him the hope and comfort he needs to keep working his way through. I suppose the only caveat I would add to this is not to live as if he may come back, but to be prepared not to close the door if he does.

ROCK ON...........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#195356 - 12/15/07 10:03 AM Re: He "loved" me but after six years he left... why? [Re: Trish4850]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Dragonfly,
I can't say I understand because I am a survivor, no longer victim but a survivor. From my own life experience in trying to help a very dear friend through her own trauma, I suffered much because I did not understand nor have the information I needed to help. I can relate to some of your feelings, confusion, and hurt. All I have to offer is a couple links to places that helped me understand and to learn to take care of myself first.
If I'm an emotional wreck I'm no help to anyone.

Gift From Within - Stress Responses in Sexual Trauma Victims and in Others Experiencing Overwhelming Events Helpful Strategies for Self, Children, Supporters, and What Trauma Therapists Really Do
http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/strategy.html

You can also check out this site. There is a lot of free information, just look further down the index page.
Not sure of your own issues but I do know I got a lot out of the information here.
http://www.joy2meu.com/Siteindex.htm

peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#195396 - 12/15/07 01:57 PM Re: He "loved" me but after six years he left... why? [Re: GateKPR4]
deardragonfly Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/14/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Canada
S-n-S, Trish and Rick;
Thank you for your understanding and encouraging words. It is very comforting to know that there is advice and help somewhere.
I feel that I need to have answers and understand why he would want to find "true aloneness". Not just "because that's the way that he knows". Is this common for CSA survivors?

Rick- Thank you for the links. I am trying to understand and these are helpful

There is so little information about male survivors. Would anyone know where to begin? Books, web or other?


Top
#195403 - 12/15/07 03:52 PM Re: He "loved" me but after six years he left... why? [Re: deardragonfly]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Understanding the trauma is a good place to start. I don't know of any books but there is the books music & films board. There is probably a bunch of info there.
I don't understand "True Aloneness" with the exception of how I felt at the pinnacle of emptiness. I was just this shell of a man with no hope for the future. To me I was truly alone. Problem with aloneness is that you bring yourself along, and its kind of hard to leave yourself behind.

I have achieved a type of aloneness through meditation and there I can leave the bad stuff behind and experience a wholeness that is hard to explain unless you go there yourself, but I will try \:\)
I think you can find this when something takes you away from yourself and you bask in the beauty of whatever it is that takes you there. At that moment you are no longer aware of yourself, you are in the moment, with the beauty, one with that which has taken you there. This is almost the same place I go when meditating. Nirvana is one term used to describe it. Getting blown away is a slang term for it.
As a survivor I have only scratched the surface, meditation is a powerful tool for me. It's a way of getting away without leaving home.

Ask a lot of questions here, there are people here with much more experience than me. I am not a professional but there are some that may be able to help you find the answers.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m__m__
|| || || || || || |

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.