Newest Members
BusterJones, Desperateforhelp, aniceguy, Green_Lantern, Safe11ride
12121 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
betterdays (29), ChevyMan76 (46), cuda (48), swartzhund (42), wdf9 (70)
Who's Online
3 registered (CafeMan, 2 invisible), 72 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12121 Members
73 Forums
62520 Topics
438128 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#195246 - 12/14/07 02:10 PM The Silent Neighbors (might trigger)
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
This really hit me hard while responding to another thread so I thought I'd write it out here so as not to steal Andy's thread

it's not about S/A - it's about the physical abuse I had to endure as a kid - and I hope it's ok for me to talk it out here cause i really have no one else to talk it out with right now

what I need to get out of me is the fact that I "know" that the neighbors knew that things were very bad in the house I grew up in - how do I know that? - let me explain...

we had a elderly neighbor lady lived in the house next to us on the downhill side - I used to shovel her sidewalk in the winter for her and mow her lawn in the summertime - I can clearly remember 1 time when she said to me that she was "sorry" that things was so bad in my house and that I really should try harder to not make my mom so mad at me - I can remember just hanging my head in shame and saying back "Yes Maam - I'll try my best"

The neighbor uphill from our house had a boy who was 1 year younger than me - we played together a fair amount for the first year after thay moved into town - but it ended one day when his dad said to me "I don't want you being a bad influence on my son - I can HEAR how much trouble you are in your own home" - I walked away in shame and me and Harry never played together again after that

the neighbor in the house behind the one I grew up in stopped me one day while I was mowing his lawn and said to me "boy - you must have been real bad the other day - your momma sure did give you a teachin did'nt she?" - again I just hung my head in shame and kept on mowing the lawn

Even the neighbor across the street (the neighbor that I looked up to the most as a kid) said to me one day that he was sorry that mom was so hard on me - said that he could hear me yelling in pain clean across the street from inside his house - it just kills me that I again hung my head in shame and said "I guess I deserved it" and just walked away from him

all these neighbors knew - all of them - yet none of them did anything about it

just hurts - just hurts real bad

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#195249 - 12/14/07 02:30 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: TJ jeff]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Hi, TJ. That was painful to read, knowing what you were going through with it. And seeing the pic in your avatar of a little boy who was so totally innocent and deserved none of that crap. I'm sorry you went through that, but I know that doesn't ease it any.

My father was physically abusive as well, so I can relate on some level to what you are saying. We lived in a 1900's era Victorian house which had been split into, to make a duplex. On the other side lived an elderly widow lady, Mrs. Tudor. I'm sure she understood a lot more than she ever let on, as she would let me spend a lot of time in her side of the house with her, just sitting and talking with her about anything. She was a dear, dear sweet lady. When I was about 10, she fell and broke her hip and I'm the one who heard her crying out for help and went and found her. It was the last time I ever saw her, as she went into a nursing home and died after that.

I'm sorry, I feel like I'm rambling off topic from what your original intent was, but wanted to talk about her for moment. I'm not sure if any of our other neighbors knew what was going on, but I can't imagine that they didn't unless they were just totally clueless. Times being what they were, though, I think people just looked the other way most of the time back then.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#195251 - 12/14/07 02:32 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: TJ jeff]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
TJ
I am SO...SO...SO sorry. I know the hurt you are feeling...my dad used to beat me with a hanger all the time, it left welts, sometimes opening the skin, all up and down the backs of my legs and my entire butt (he made me strip naked for the beating)...and it was ALWAYS my fault...I could never wear shorts cause someone would have seen.

I'm SO...SO...SO sorry!

buzz


Top
#195255 - 12/14/07 02:52 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: buzz_key]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
TJ,

I'm so sorry. I can identify with every aspect of your post. My father was notoriously violent with us kids. Everyone knew that we were going through hell on earth, yet it was not a sin or a crime to beat the shit out of your own kids. It truly was not!!!! My dad would kick me so hard that my feet would leave the floor. Sometimes he'd even do that in front of other adults and be proud of his parenting methods.

I need to shout-out a theraputic "FUCK YOU, YOU'LL BURN IN HELL!!!!" to all the parents out there who were/are like that.

I actually think I was just as traumatized by the physical abuse as I was the SA.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain today...but I'm glad you shared it. I can handle it with you!

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#195259 - 12/14/07 03:00 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: buzz_key]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
EGL,

I am glad that that lady gave you a place to escape to - though I sure wish she had done something to stop what your dad was doing - i guess it's just the way things was back then - neighbors just did'nt interfere with others bussiness

Buzz,

I just want to say how sorry I am too that your dad beat you so bad - no kid could ever do anything that would justify a beating like that

My mom mostly used a stick that she kept in the microwave cart just for the specific purpose of "spankings" - it was a 3/4" x 1 1/2" x 16" piece of oak - like your dad, mom always made me stip down too - I think she actualy liked to be able to see the pain she was inflicting upon me - she always gave out a number that I would have to count to her as she spanked me without moving or yelling out - otherwise I would have to start back from 1 again - took me till I was in my teens to be able to make it to 100 without moving or making a sound

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#195260 - 12/14/07 03:05 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: buzz_key]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
TJ,

I feel nothing but contempt for all of those "neighbors" right now. I would love to go to each of their houses, lecture them down to where they feel six inches tall and then whack each one of them over the head with a copy of Pelzer's book!

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#195262 - 12/14/07 03:11 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: TJ jeff]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Robbie,

as I read your post it just hit me...

I cannot even begin to count the number of times it was told to me as a kid "what happens behind closed doors - stays behind closed doors" - it's no wonder I never said anything

I'm real sorry your dad was so bad to you too

my folks have bragged many times over the years about how they "disciplined" me and how that "discipline" has made me into the good person that I am today (geezz... - just typing that out makes me so F'ing mad!!!) - they really don't see any of what was done as being abusive in any way, shape, or form

sometimes I think perhaps the Phyical and Mental abuse by mom has effected me even more than the S/A by her youngest brother

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#195264 - 12/14/07 03:14 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: FormerTexan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
TJ (and Eddie, and Buzz and Rob),

It pains me so badly to read your comments about your neighbors. How incredibly damaging - to have people know and yet to feel it was all your fault.

Keep speaking the truth Jeff. Hold onto Little Jeff and keep speaking the truth! It was wrong - SO wrong. You deserved a lot better.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#195274 - 12/14/07 04:03 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: roadrunner]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 10948
Loc: Denver, CO
Larry,

Quote:
How incredibly damaging - to have people know and yet to feel it was all your fault.


One thing that comes to my mind about all these people is if they acknowledged it in any way, they know they would have had to step in and do something about it. It's much easier to deny it's their problem when they blame the victim. Creeps..

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

Top
#195278 - 12/14/07 04:11 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: FormerTexan]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Not long ago, I attended my father's 80th birthday party. My father's wife had invited ALL of the old crew from the old neighborhood. All the key players attended. Upon seeing them all, I was an emotional wreck.

Here were all the people whom: 1) turned a blind eye to my father's psychotic beatings and outbursts, 2) criticized ME for being the "bad kid" of the nieghborhood and 3) did nothing about the SA when one of them SAW IT TWICE!!!

Sorry to be so negative today...but this topic really gets me going.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#195284 - 12/14/07 06:34 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: Still]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
My only friends in my neighborhood lived in alcoholic homes so we never talked about it, we all pretended it didn't happen and tried to be normal. Not sure of any physical abuse but there was a lot of verbal abuse. The freaking neighborhood was dysfunctional. It was not unusual to hear screaming and yelling from one of our houses. There was one old Guy Mr. Holman who seemed to be normal but that was the only one, and he never said anything about it.
I hope by sharing your emotions you will be able to heal from this.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

Top
#195289 - 12/14/07 06:55 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: GateKPR4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
My Mom Had A Horse Buggy Wip-------------Which She Used------------------------------Dad Used Anything Close By-----------------------------Tj--I Am So Sorry----------------No Child Should Have T Go Threw tHat Shit---------------------Steve


Top
#195674 - 12/17/07 03:10 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: sabata]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank you guys for all the supportive responses

I tried to take a couple of days away from this to clear my mind but this issue just does not want to leave my mind - I mean... - I'm SURE these neighbors talked with each other some - I'm sure they undoubtedly talked of what they heard from that house (gossip spreads like wildfire in that small town) - and yet they all just turned a blind eye to it - like as if it "really" WAS ok for a mother to "discipline" her child so harshly

it's just hard for my mind to process i guess - I mean - "logicaly" I know that was was done constitutes as abuse - but... there is this part of me that just won't stop saying "maybe it was just discipline considering the year and geographical location it was done in" - I mean... - it was mostly just aimed at my rear as any normal spanking would of been if I'd of been able to stay still for it - I know many other kids in that town were spanked - what really makes mine "abuse" and theirs not?

my head just is driving me crazy...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#195691 - 12/17/07 05:56 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: TJ jeff]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: TJ jeff
I know many other kids in that town were spanked - what really makes mine "abuse" and theirs not?


TJ,

In my never-to-be-humble opinion:

1) the way you describe the events equals "abuse."
2) the fact that violent noise radiated from the house equals abuse.
3) the fact that YOU consider it to be more than discipline equals abuse.

If it was her idea of discipline, the way she went about delivering it was wrong if its causing you this much trouble.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#195700 - 12/17/07 07:09 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: Still]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
my t -asked me- would you do that to a child????????????i said no of corse not------------she said then that is abuse------------abuse comes in many forms-------------
i am sure you know that-----------------mental-verbal-----------sexual----------physical--------------i could go on-----------------------sorry this is driving you crazey---------------steve


Top
#195724 - 12/17/07 09:28 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: sabata]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
TJ, Steve makes a good point - I remember when I told my wife about the abuse from my father and I broke down in tears telling her that I couldn't imagine doing that to my own children. Even now, my eyes are welling up as I wrote that. It's just unthinkable. That realization is validating in so many ways. It's abuse, any way you slice it.

_________________________
Eddie

Top
#195726 - 12/17/07 09:43 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Originally Posted By: EGL
That realization is validating in so many ways. It's abuse, any way you slice it.


It sure is, little bro! It's one of the most empowering and validating things we can do when we ask ourselves, "Could I ever do anything like that to MY kids?" Not in a million years.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#195798 - 12/18/07 12:25 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: roadrunner]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Thank You Robbie, Steve, Eddie, and Larry

You're all right - I know you are - I thank you for your support - my minds just been in a funk lately (pre-christmas blues - which really does'nt even make sense because I am not even going to that side of the family for the holidays this year)

Quote:
"Could I ever do anything like that to MY kids?"


I was asked that by my T a few years back - my answer to him was an absolute NO (heck, I think I kinda even shouted it at him) - but... I can remember even then argueing with him about the fact that what was done to me was done over 20+ years ago in a small farming community where kids where raised in a sometimes harsher way cause the parents were just trying to "toughen" them to the realitys of the world not always being a "fun" place

I know there is more in my posted story about the physical abuse than what I have put here - and there are also people here who I have shared other parts of the physical abuse with

I think my mind was just trying to sort through individual "discipline sessions" and figure if they constituded as abuse or not (and I was'nt even factoring in all of the years of mental abuse) - but you know what... - it's not about just 1 incident - is it - it's about ALL of the incidents - it's about the sum of ALL that was done to me - I add it all up - it's VERY clear - it's abuse - plain and simple - I just need to find a way to stop my mind from trying to to compartmentalize individual incidents

again - Thank You guys - you are all such great friends

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

Top
#195820 - 12/18/07 03:18 PM Re: The Silent Neighbors (might trigger) [Re: TJ jeff]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jeff,

I was really sad reading your post. I also experienced indifference from neighbours. It was right when I was being abused. People saw and did not help. That was hard to believe.

However, some guys who saw bruises on my face asked about what happened and teachers asked too, but I did not tell the truth.

I can only add that now you have what is called a system of support, that you lacked in your childhood, and you won't feel the same again.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.