The fog starts to lift.
Who am I? How did I get here? What have I become?
These thoughts race through my mind like a tornado moving at top speed. I grab a Bud pounder and swill it down, then another. As the poison elixir permeates my nerves I feel the terror come upon me. Doom, despair, hopelessness, why are you here I ask? They gaze upon me with wanting, ready to take all that is left of the life that is.
I turn away and gaze at the floor; I look at the attic room that I now live in with its barely finished walls and makeshift door. How depressing a sight it is barren walls, flat paint, and darkness. How did I let myself go this far? I went from owning a house to living in an attic room. I feel like a troll up here, please someone show me the way out.
I look at the empty cans and think I should hide them so that I would not be found out. I kneel on the carpet by a small trashcan and grab the cans. I crush each one and start to wrap them in a plastic bag. As I place them in the trash I hear a soft voice speak to me in my mind that says, " You can not stop, the pain will come back". At this point my heart knows the truth and I accept for the first time that I cannot stop drinking, I don't want the pain to come back.
I stay knelt on the floor as this realization permeates my being and the tears begin to flow. I feel so hopeless I want to end it all but I do not want to die. I ask God "please help me" and that is all. I weep like a hurt child the pain is unbearable. Then before my eyes I see my life from the eyes of others/God/outside myself. I see the destruction and pain that was my life and the pain and sorrow I had caused my family, friends, and myself for the past thirteen years. The voice once again speaks is says to me "It's over, this is the death of the life you have been living, come with me and I will show you a new way of life" and so it was.
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
|| || || || || || |