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#195127 - 12/13/07 07:04 PM (TRIGGER WARNING!!!) SLAA - my abstinence log
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
TRIGGER WARNING *** the contents in this post may be graphic. I will do my best to ensure they are not too graphic, but, please note the TRIGGER WARNING***

Hi,

Well, I have a sex addiction and am working on it. I see this addiction is common on these forums. I need some support to avoid a "slip" in the future. I have a sponsor from SLAA who I can call when I get the urge, and, just for my own motivation, I was hoping to just tell the world through these forums which will give me even more motivation to stay sober... I used extacy and marijuana... one clean, I continued using sex to self medicate.

I slipped on the 7th, 9th, 11th and 12th of December after 2 months of total abstinence. It was on the 12th that I rushed off to a SLAA meeting, because before these acts, I was trying so so hard to stop myself, but I just couldn't resist. I tried hard to make sure I did not have full sex, but, ended up getting oral from the women. I did hire sex workers which made me think long and hard about my addiction. I chose a legal erotic massage place, not a legal brothel, where sex is not offered, just a nude massage/body slide, handjob and protected oral. I think this was my mind telling me to get my fix but in a way that ensured I would not have sex.

Anyway, total abstinence from now on.

This is my log.... whenever I feel like "slipping" I'll come here, use the delay tactic and just note my feelings - as suggested by my psychologist. If I find myself in the carpark of a brothel/massage place I can then use my SLAA sponsor as a safety net.

I have defined my bottom line as any contact with a sex worker (even just a body slide and a handjob) and sex with random women. I will abstain from this.

Thanks for all the support and guidance.



Edited by gravitas (12/14/07 01:28 AM)

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#195169 - 12/13/07 11:15 PM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hey Grav! Good idea about the log. That's a helpful thing in the program!

May be wise to not be so explicit though. At least not on this forum (I can lead you to others, if you want, that might be better). Don't want to trigger anyone is all.

Or you could put up a trigger warning.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195174 - 12/14/07 01:20 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: AndyJB2005]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Andy, you're right. Thanks for reminding me about the trigger - I went through it and it sucks.

Well, my progress so far: no urges since my SLAA meeting. I had a non-sexual massage today for my martial arts training, although the masseur was a cute girl and I had the hardon of the century, I could control myself. By this I mean I did not run off to a brothel afterwards.

I reflected on step 1 - we must admit that we are powerless. My sponsor said this makes us "aware" of our lack of power and we overcome it because we do not want to be powerless.

IT WORKED.



Edited by gravitas (12/14/07 01:32 AM)

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#195196 - 12/14/07 07:47 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
The 12 steps of SLAA and my log:

1. We admitted we were powerless over sex and love addiction - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

I promised my first visit to a massage parlour would be my last. I then promised my second visit would be my last. Before I knew it, again, I was laying on the bed waiting for my hit. I am powerless over sex addiction. However, being conscious of my lack of power, I have learned to curb my urges in a way that brings power and control.

The power of the human spirit, nurtured by God, can restore me to sanity. My God given free will must stop the affliction that probably affected my offender, not repeat it and embrace it.

I turn my will over the grace of God, as I understand God.

=================================================================

This feels good. I was working on these steps for two months before even attending a SLAA meeting. But it is all coming together with the help of my sponsor. I figured I could do it alone but when I "slipped" I knew I had to attend a meeting.

I have no desire for sex today.


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#195199 - 12/14/07 08:42 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi,

I admire your efforts to come to grips with your addiction. You mentioned "I have learned to curb my urges in a way that brings power and control". Would you please talk about the specific techniques you use resulting in an increase in power and control?

I struggle with maintaining boundaries and hopefully I can gain some new approaches from your experience.

Thanks, B


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#195207 - 12/14/07 11:06 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: Barney]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I tried doing it alone for years because I thought no one would understand me. I thought even people in the meetings would think me a horrible monster that doesn't deserve to live. I found out that pretty much the exact opposite is true. I've never met a group of more thoughtful and caring people than in SLAA.

Trying it alone nearly killed me -- literally.

About my second time going to SLAA there was this gentleman there. I had just finished telling my story in a sense and I was sure they were going to kick me out. They didn't. But the guy must've noticed that I was afraid and worried of their judgment. He jokingly was like "here, want me to be terrified of you?" and he screamed and looked shocked, jokingly, and then turned back to normal and laughed. After that he said, "Happy?" LOL. It was nice to know that I couldn't shock them no matter what kind of addict I am.

Good going, Grav. \:\) Good luck! One Day at a Time!

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195446 - 12/15/07 08:28 PM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: AndyJB2005]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Hi B,

Probably 3 things:
1) Confession: This is a regular thing for me now. Sex outside marriage is a sin so I can confess to this. Regular confession ensures that I am reminded of my motivation to remain sober.
2) SLAA Meetings: Another regular thing to remind me of my motivation. Had I started SLAA two weeks ago, I would not have slipped because the meetings allow us to explore the reasons behind our actions.
3) Awareness: Since SLAA and confessions, I have become more aware of my powerlessness. The more aware I am of it, and the more I know it is just a bodily urge, the more I can curb it. For instance, on my last 4 slips, I did not have sex, but, sexual contact. While I was powerlessness up until contact, I could still restrict myself. This was before SLAA. Now, I'm sure I can come on here or ring my sponsor if anything similar might happen.

That's where I am at so far. I've only been in SLAA for a week.

I had my first confession yesterday and the priest said it might be good to make it monthly. But i'll probably make it weekly for the first few months so I can stay on track.

You do not need to be a christian to speak to a priest or a chaplain. So, weekly confessions/chaplain meetings and weekly SLAA meetings are the best way. Having some sponsors you can call in hard times is also gold.

Andy,

Thanks again for the help. It is really hard doing by yourself. SLAA meetings make it so much more easier.

Giving up sex is hard, but it has to be done.

Best wishes to you guys!


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#195447 - 12/15/07 08:43 PM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
It works if you work it; you're worth it! \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195605 - 12/16/07 09:22 PM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: AndyJB2005]
Barney Offline


Registered: 07/31/06
Posts: 236
Loc: Southern Utah/Northern Arizon
Hi Gravitas,

Thanks so much for your input and what works for you. I am in a somewhat rural area of Utah so access can be difficult to a slaa meeting. I think the nearest is something like 250 miles away. I noticed there are some meetings on line and I will check that out.


Anyway, thanks again for your input.

B


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#198373 - 01/07/08 07:11 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: Barney]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Before today, my last sexual contact was on the 7th of December 2007. I had no compulsions for a month. Today, I met a girl and went back to her place - long story short, we did it.

I slipped today.


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#198391 - 01/07/08 10:28 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Don't worry, Grav. Slips come with healing.

Remember, it's progress not perfection. \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#198587 - 01/08/08 08:22 AM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: AndyJB2005]
buzz_key Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/07
Posts: 635
Loc: USA
Grav, i just attended my second group of Sexaholics Anonymous in as many days...i had an intial "oreintation" type meeting on sunday and my first real meeting yesterday.

i know now i have a beast of a monster problem that needs to be dealt with and stopped. and i feel so blessed to have been led to these folks by my new T. I am reading "the white book", the bible for SA,and it is as though the authors have been following me around my whole life.

anyway, even after the first orientation meeting on Sunday afternoon, my addiction(s) started to retaliate. they came on me in a flood of urgency and pressure. my mind is my biggest enemy, just trying to keep it under wraps is going to be difficult.

I don't trust myself with myself...i shouldn't. i have never been able to stop what i do, why would now be any different...i know this is going to be hell at times, at those times when lust rears it's ugly head...i may fall...but what i heard over and over in both meetings, and have read is that it is not uncommon, but don't let it defeat you...start from Step 1 again if that is what is needed, but start again somewhere.

my prayers are with you.


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#210365 - 03/12/08 08:57 PM Re: Sex Addiction - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
JT's the Man Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
I'm so sorry. I am trying to stay sober.

One thing that helps me is realizing this is a sicknes.. You are making yourself sick by having sex. It's not like DESIRE, it's not like most people, we are doing these things because we want to feel better.

Hope this helps.

JT


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#337166 - 07/29/10 12:58 AM Re: (TRIGGER WARNING!!!) SLAA - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
I had my first "slip" last night since writing my last posts in 2007. I engaged the services of an escort/stripper. She took off her top and then I finished myself off. There was no sexual contact. I am happy that the slip was not too severe but am still very ashamed. I should have stuck with healing because it has come back to bite me.


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#337181 - 07/29/10 06:01 AM Re: (TRIGGER WARNING!!!) SLAA - my abstinence log [Re: gravitas]
derrick Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/10
Posts: 93
Loc: North Carolina
Gravitas

I can identify with you slipping. Long time member of SA and i slipped saturday

write me anytime or meet me in chat

_________________________
My Story http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...5766#Post335766

Alumnai of May 2011 DAHLONEGA (a life changeing event)
Alumnai of October 2010 WOR Hope Springs
Dahlonega

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