One of the most important things I learned on my own healing journey was that there's a huge difference between "knowing" things and actually "believing" them.
Take the issue of guilt. Many of us felt - or were told - that the abuse was all our own fault: we wanted it, we liked it, we kept coming back, we didn't tell anyone, blah blah blah. So for years we have blamed ourselves, hated ourselves, felt worthless over this, and so on.
Then one fine day we read Mike Lew (for example) and discover no, it wasn't our fault after all; in fact, it can NEVER be the child's fault! What a powerful message. And true too. It makes sense. We were innocent! We know it.
But lynch, my friend, that doesn't mean we believe
it yet. There's a huge difference between what we know in our head and what we believe in our heart, and the old false lessons we have been carrying have been there for years - they're not going to go away because all of a sudden we see the truth. It takes time and work for us to take in emotionally what we know intellectually.
I too have a pile of books laying around, and I still accumulate them and learn from them. But what I do now that I didn't do for a long time is this - I try to work towards believing this stuff and trying to trust in it as tools I can actually use as I rebuild my life.
For example, I KNOW I was innocent and the abuse wasn't my fault; I did nothing I should be ashamed about. I get it ... really, I do!
But do I? Am I prepared to believe in that knowledge and USE as a tool that can help me? For example, do I tell doctors I am a survivor when I go for an appointment? Have I gotten into therapy so I can get the professional guidance I need? Have I disclosed to those close to me who would support me if they knew?
I just throw this out as an idea and a question: what can you do to take what you have learned and actually USE it? Which areas are there where you feel you still can't do that? Perhaps those are the areas where you might benefit from some of the ideas I just mentioned.