I was reading through some pages I googled about symptoms of PTSD, and a couple of things really caught my attention.

One of them was that people with PTSD tend to have a very high stress reaction, meaning that certain situations cause us tremendous stress, much more than is healthy or reasonable.

Another one was that we tend to be very low in ambition and have an exceptionally difficult time being successful in our careers, for whatever reason.

These are two major issues that I have. Sometimes I feel like I overreact to one of my engineers because he's so unbelievably annoying (it's literally like working for "rainman"). Whenever something goes wrong (which is just part of the game when you are in Research & Development), he wastes SO much time waving his hands around, face turning red, and shamelessly going over the setup and instructions making sure that I am aware that I am wrong and the fault is mine. This causes me unmanagable amounts of stress.

I am fine with a mistake being mine, it's his reaction that I can't handle. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact the his bizzare behavior reminds me of my schizophrenic father. I have asked him sooo many times to stop wasting time with blame, but I usually end up yelling at him (which is okay in R&D, believe it or not).

My point here is that I think these two symptoms of PTSD might be related in my case. My extreme stress reaction is preventing me from advancing. I think I have become (over a period of 25 years, that is) afraid of stress, and afraid of taking on bigger responsibilities because of the stress associated with it. My superiors really frighten me, I'm always afraid I'm doing something wrong and I'm going to be let go (like spending time on MS at work!). Just kidding about that last remark. I see PhD chemists and engineers playing solitaire, surfing and even napping at their desks all the time. Honestly, I don't really think trying to heal myself so that I can be more successful in my career goals would be frowned upon, but I'm sure that limiting the amount of time I spend doing this each day would be appreciated.

Anybody have any words of wisdom? (Unwise words and humor are welcome too)

Craig

oh god i work with fucktards too. but, actually my shrink mentioned ptsd in one of our sessions. so i guess i have that. haha. for me tho, i go the "hyper" route. hyper work. hyper sex. i always feel like i need to be an overachiever and coworkers resent me for that. i understand the whole "freaked out about getting fired." but im learning to just deal with it. in my field in particular, (advertising) if you loose a client, then you get fired if you work on the account. so job security is pretty much non existant. and you are always trying to please the client while keeping your own integrety. one of my professors said once "you dont work in advertising until you get fired from your first job." so i think i expect it, but fear it.

i guess thats just ranting too not really words of wisdom.

Craig,

I know what you're talking about here;



And I can relate to Jarrad's reaction as well. I was an over-achiever during my 'serious' career, made it all the way to being an executive at one of the largest banks in the country (I'm not a financier, I'm a technologist BTW). But the stess finally got to me, I started having a 'don't give a shit' attitude, and finally quit. I zoned out for about as long as my savings would last me, just playing with my kids and looking for love in all the wrong places.

I ended up back in Louisiana near where I was born, and near most of my extended family. I didn't even try to get back into computers, I work for myself now, doing home improvement and odd jobs. No security, no pension, no 401(k), and most of all, NO STRESS. I get up when I want to, take as long a lunch break as I want, and quit for the day when I want to. I take my kids all over, and never miss a game or a play. My house is 1/4 the size of my old one, I drive an old beat up pick-up instead of a mercedes. This Christmas, I may spend $1000 on gifts instead of the $1000 per person I used to spend.

Some of my family and friends wonder what happened to me; how I could fall so far so fast. They don't understand, and I don't bother explaining it to them either; I am right where I want to be. I'm happier than I have been in a long, long time. I'm better for my kids, I'm better for my partner, and I'm better for me. So how do you measure success? I think finally, I have achieved it.

Warmest regards,

Ric

I have been thinking about how my mind just seems to hang on to stress long after the event is over. I don't know if my recovery time is extended, or the stress was very high to begin with, maybe my recovery time is normal considering the exaggerated level of stress I experience?

I think my SSRI does not help in this aspect. It just sorta makes me numb to it, without really affecting it. I have been reading about a European drug called Coaxil and Stablon (Tianeptine is the generic name) and it preserves serotonin in a way that is exactly the opposite to the way an SSRI works. It is a reuptake enhancer rather than a reuptake inhibitor. The way I am beginning to understand how this would still be an antidepressant is that it does not allow the serotonin to hang around in the synapse not attached to any receptors, it sucks it back into the axon much faster so it can be released again. With SSRIs, the serotonin eventually gets destroyed by MAO molecules, and not taken up for re-use. SSRIs seem to cause our dopamine to get displaced by excess serotonin floating around. The "SSRE" seems to solve that problem in a big way.

The reason I am interested in this drug, is because studies are showing that people on this drug have a dramatically shortened stress recovery period, and that sounds like just what I need. Another thing it did in rats is it allowed their hippocampus's to repair themselves and gradually restore normal size/mass, which is one of the things that PTSD causes - reduced hippocampal mass.

If we get into too much discussion about this drug I suppose I'll have to move over to another thread (health & wellbeing I guess)

I could use a shortened stress recovery period. Just recently I sent feed back on a class we took for work and the response from the "thank you Jarrad" fucktard at the head of the council turned it all around to make me look like a jerk. I had to go to human resource to see if my job was in danger because this fucktard took it totally out of context. After I talked with my director and HR they said I had nothing to worry about and he was out of line in his response. This helped but I got major stress for about a week from this. I'm OK now
As far as fear of success I could have that. I have much greater potential than I currently use and have been offered a supervisor job twice and turned it down. This would bump up my pay by like 10K. I probably have PTSD but its not the end of the world. I think I may take the job if it comes up again since I do a lot of it already. I just don't have to do evaluations & reports right now. I don't know what the heck I'm talking about when it comes to this because I have so many different reasons for not wanting to be a supervisor. fear of success? maybe, more stress? yes, dealing with fucktards unavoidable.lol
Thank you for the new word Jarrad I'm sure I'll get plenty of use out of it
The med that worked best for me as a stress reducer is Zyprexa, it kicks ass when your about to seriously loose it. Works in about 15-30 minutes and is great. Low side effects for me and usually wipes out my depression too.
Zyprexa - generic Olanzapine - is called an "atypical antipsychotic" medication. I don't know if its available for PTSD but I know I had a good experience with it. The only bad side effect is it made me hungry all the time. and I mean I ate like a cow constantly grazing on something. SSRIs suck and I will never go back on them. SSRI SNRI "Selective noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors" are hell to get off of. At least for me. And they made me emotionally numb. I did not realize how numb I was until I got off of them. I currently take Lamictal (lamotrigine) - an antiepileptic, and a benzo for anxiety. So far its been about 5 months and I have been doing good on this mix. But everyone is different and you got to find what works for you. If something is not working then tell your doc you want to try something else. Be honest about all adverse effects weather you think they are important or not. The docs can tweak out you meds to get the right combo or dosage.
I had to go on very low doses of any of the meds because I was too sensitive to them. Most problem was too high dose for me. For a normal or average person would probably not be a problem.
Took almost 3 years to get this combo I'm on now and its been good for me.
peace
Rick

...

Ric,

I know exactly what you mean and how nice it is not having all the stress. In spite of the fact that sadness and grieving from the healing process can be pretty overwhelming at times, things are much better.

I left a career where I worked my way up from the bottom and was able to end working in upper level management positions. I immersed myself in my work..ultimately becoming a workaholic in order to isolate myself from my pain and shame. I never really felt good about myself and my self-esteem was nonexistent. I only really felt relief and was was able to forget about my CSA when I was working. I volunteered for assignments that no one wanted in order to be able control my work environment. I literally worked 14 hours a day, 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. Subconciously, I thought I was happy and keeping my feelings and emotions under control. But was really happening, I had all this pent up anger and stress that was tearing me apart on the inside. I would lash out at my family and treat my wife so poorly. As the stress grew..i worked even harder. I suffered a few panic attacks and ended up in the ED thinking I was having a heart attack. After the stress finally got to me after thinking that I was going to lose my job because my boss was in the processed of being fired, with my wife's encouragement,I resigned and took a much lower level position and almost stress free position and i couldn't be happier. I don't know how I ever survived over all those years....After I left, I got to the point where I was finally able to address the CSA and its associated problems that I had being carrying in private for 41 years. I have also gone back to school to complete my degree....something that I was unable to do due to the CSA..I never felt I was worthy or significant enough to do that. Life is better...not great...but I am working on that. I have made a promise to my wife that our next 25 years of marriage will be much better than our first 25 years. I am determined to beat the CSA..not let it beat me.

I apologize for the long posting and I feel bad that i may have gotten off track from the thread.

Thank you all for listening to me and being so patient and understanding.

Dan

I think I can relate Dan, if I am understanding you correctly. I have recently realized that when I am in the midst of a hefty triggering episode, including all the anxiety, depression, self-doubt, sometimes constant panic, obsessing, overanalyzing, etc., I look back to when I was not in this state and just keep thinking how I was just fine "before" and I would give anything to get back to that "okay" state of mind.

I realize now that I am not okay just because I am not in a crisis, because I am still vulnerable and I am still sort of "hunting" for that person who will be my next trigger into a complete breakdown. I have decided to make my recovery an ongoing process, not just when I am in a crisis.

The only thing I don't like about that antidepressant tianeptine is how short acting it is. It wears off so fast that you have to take it several times a day. I don't think I want to even bother risking a change unless it's some form of extended release or they synthesize a new version of it that has a much longer half life. Short half-life medications are so ridiculously roller-coastery, and that's the last thing any of us needs.

Craig

Craig,

Reading your own account of PTSD makes me think of my own problems with it, though I don't know if this will ring true for you. In my case the problem wasn't so much failing to achieve success as failing to recognize success or set it as a real goal.

In my case what I was doing was awaiting the day doom finally hit me; I knew it was coming, and my experiences as a young man had proven to me how quickly and extreme disaster could hit me. I fretted around at my job doing one thing after another but not really focusing on any of them for their own sake. They were simply a way to mark time until Worthless Me was finally recognized and destroyed. Whether projects were successful or not (and most of them were) didn't matter; the point was to finish and rush on to a new project so as to avoid facing my real issues.

How we face PTSD will depend on our own individual cases and personalities and the approach of our T, I guess. My T asked me to trust her and allow her to guide me through the problems that were provoking the PTSD. I did, and in time my symptoms faded; I rarely get flashbacks now, and when I do I can face them and work through them, as opposed to collapsing in a panic.

I like your idea of working on your recovery as an ongoing project and not something to deal with just when a crisis arises. It's like repairing a leaky boat, perhaps. The best time to repair it isn't when you are out on the lake...

Much love,
Larry

Very well put, Larry. I too identify with failing to recognize success as well as failing to set it as a goal. I tend to just rummage through tasks without really ever envisioning the goal to help guide me.

Sometimes I think that it's because I don't want to get tied too strongly to any responsibility that I won't be able to just drop whenever I want. It's like I'm holding back to make sure I will always be able to entertain my desire for instant gratification, no matter what that may be. To tell you the truth, I wouldn't be a bit surprised if most of us survivors are quite guilty of this very thing.

To quote Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes fame):

"I find that the lower I keep everyone's expectations, the easier my life is."

Is that what you're talking about Craig?

My take on this, or in my case I came to the conclusion that my fear of success is directly related to this: I was eight years old doing my thing living and loving life when my parents divorced, ripped my world apart, nine when I was molested, ripped my world apart. I was successful up until my life was ripped apart after that I no longer wanted the success because of the fear that someone or something would come and rip my life apart. It was better for me to have things that could be lost without great pain therefore I did not try to achieve or have things of great value to me. My fear was the loss would be to much for me to handle. I set myself up to have nothing of value to lose and it did not work. My healthy side wanted nice things, felt that I deserved it but the unhealthy side would not let it come about. I wrote about this in the book some time ago but it feels like yesterday the way its coming back to me now.

Hope this helps,

Keeping my standards low to try and keep everyone's expectations of me low? I don't know what you're talking about... Oh wait, I think you hit the nail square on the head!

John, what you say makes a LOT of sense too. You may be on to something that I had not yet considered. Keep the bar low so that "when" it is lost the pain does not overwhelm. Very insightful indeed. Thanks for that.

Craig