I was raised in a family that was very mush physically affectionate and hence, am very much the same - but only with women. I don't have a problem with handshakes, or even forewarned hugs from men, but I recently had an incident at church where a very good friend of mine grabbed me while I had my eyes closed praying & hugged me tighter than I've been hugged in a very long time. He wanted to pray for me & his intentions were completely above board. My reaction,however, was to pull away, which made the whole thing that much more uncomfortable & I think hurt his feelings. I feel bad that I react that way, but cannot comfortably show affection to men physically without feeling like it will lead to more.....

Touch--------Not For Me--------------

I know what you guys mean, because sometimes I'm very uncomfortable with any touch from some people. My family almost never touched. I remember going to men's groups a lot when I was in my twenties, and incredibly uncomfortable with any hugging or touch, which was kind of difficult. Guys did it ALL THE F***IN' TIME! I eventually got used to it, but older men I feel on guard and tense with. Younger guys and women especially I'm OK with. I just don't feel the predatory feelings like with older guys (my abusers of course).

Still I'm glad I got (more) over it. I think it's helped me some with boundaries. Because, with clear boundaries, I don't need to be afraid. And touch just kind of calms my nervous system down which always wants to get on alert and jumpy. Assuming it doesn't feel unwanted-sexual. I try for my part, to be very cautious if I'm attracted to someone, to not touch. It's hard to hide and I hate the thought of making someone feel uncomfortable that way.

I wouldn't dream of touching someone I know has been sexually abused, unless it was very clearly OK.

Land of shaddow, what you say about not wanting touch from someone your attracted to, sinse you did not want to make them feel uncomfortable, is something I can really identify with. also the stuff about boundaries and feeling safe. I've always assumed that anyone I like catagorically will not feel the same way about me, as a given fact, and it has been something that's bothered me quite a lot. one really helpful thing my friend said wen we discussed tis though, is that he's fairly certain all the people I've liked have! actually felt something for me.

It's a pysical contact thing, with someone I liked that brought all this up again, and made me realize I'm not as fine as I thought I was, which is wy I'm here now.

thinking things out, I also realize that while I'm not happy being touched by either gender, girls or women actually bother me more, wich is (as you say), to do with wat was done to me. On the occasions when I've ad really serious trigger reactions, it has been involved with a girl touching me in certain places.

dark empathy, about the boundaries, I feel so much the same. I recently read in an Alanon daily reading, that boundaries are not concrete walls meant to keep us away from everyone, barriers. Rather, they are somewhat fluid, adjusting to the current moment, with awareness of ourselves and others. That's really helpful. All my childhood and adult life, I've had fantasies of protection: turtles (the thick shell), space ships (shields, boxes) and hiding places. I craved safety. But, I've learned to be very alone. And any touch, reaching out, especially with women or younger men, I see as an aggression. Breaking their walls. So I'm afraid of it. Even terrified, which kills the awareness of myself and others, and creates a blind reaction of fear.

In Alanon, they talk of the 3 A's. Awareness, acceptance, and action. For this case, I try now to be more aware of my boundaries and feelings towards others and their signals of boundaries toward me. I try to accept the fears I have of being aggressed and being the aggressor, and my overactive tendancy to only see it that way. And simply accept other's boundaries. But our boundaries can keep us and others very, very safe. It's hard to believe. I am not at all "aggressive" like this. And so, I am free to take appropriate action. Which sometimes means pushing people away and distancing. But sometimes, it means touching people and risking being close in some way, but not all ways. And sometimes, people tell me they want to me be kind of aggressive! Yikes!!! Really now!!! Sometimes I try to just ask or tell about the feelings in some touching. I need not be alone. I am safe.

It's seriously hard for me though. Lots of the time, I have so much fear, I just seem to unconsciously react. It's getting slowly better I think.

Andy,



This is interesting, because it shows that your problem probably isn't with touch as such. So what's up? I wonder if the particular way in which this guy touched you set you off: the idea of coming to your cube from behind and patting you on the shoulder 3-4 times.

That sounds a AWFUL lot like a trigger based on something similar that happened when you were young. For example, I still can't bear to be around anyone who is using an aftershave that smells like the stuff the abuser used to wear. The associations are still too much for me.

So does this kind of gesture involve alarming or painful associations for you? It could be something very general: that is, being in your work space and having someone come up from behind and touch you in a personal way when you cannot easily withdraw out of range may be connecting to similar feelings of being "cornered" (and touched?) when you were a boy.

Much love,
Larry

Hi Guys,

Touch is a such a fascinating subject. There's a great book on it: Touching: The Human Significance of Skin, by Ashley Montagu.
http://www.amazon.com/Touching-Human-Significance-Ashley-Montagu/dp/0060960280

He has great way of putting so many of the issues of human touch into context with other the experience of other animals as well.


Danny

Thanks for the link Danny. Interesting Topic Andy. I've often thought there are times when someone touching me is startling just because it is startling and for no other reason. You're not expecting it. You're off in la la land somewhere and some dude comes along and touches you and you jump. Scares the pee outa you just because it does, not because of any triggering thing that happened in the past.

Now this may or may not be what happened in your case, but when such things happen to me I do take that option into account along with all the others that may flash across my mind.

You guys have so validated my feelings on this subject. All of my life, I've cringed whenever a male was going to touch me or if I had to touch a male. I never put 2 and 2 together that this phenomenon was due to abuse. You put everything into perspective and it has really been an emotional revelation for me, as strange as that might sound.

Because of that, I am making a little progress. I don't look down and give a very sinewy handshake when I am forced to shake a man's hand on my job. I don't really feel like I am going to disintegrate when I have to do that anymore. It is still a problem for me, but I am trying. I give hugs occasionally if I am forced to do so by the circumstance.

I just want to thank everyone who has ever approached this subject here because I really makes me feel like I am not alone and there is a reason behind it. This is very significant for me to know and feel this. You guys are great!

God bless,
John, The Music Man.