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#194888 - 12/11/07 10:05 PM I have to know what happened
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
I'm not going to be able to forgive myself if I don't know what happened. I don't have many of the details and no matter what I try I can't get it threw my head that it was abuse. I feel so frustrated. I'd think about EMDR but my therapist doesn't do it and remembering more might bring on more symptoms (anxiety, depression, confusion, anger) and that will only degrade my job performance further. If I loose my job, thats even worse because I already have fears problems with changing jobs as it is. I need something better anyway. I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!!!


What the F do I do???????????????????????????


Jason

(Oh look a road sign "Now entering the anger phase of Recovery" )

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#194889 - 12/11/07 10:21 PM Re: I have to know what happened [Re: onlyakid]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Road signs, my group all made a collage in our last group, we all (5 of us) spent some time going through some magazines and we just had to cut out some pics that hit us, no thinking about it just first reactions. I cut out a pic, it was a sea-side pic with hundreds of signs on it. It was a car commercial pic but It wasn't what the signs said that hit me, it was that there was all these signs. It just showed me all the signs that were telling me which way to go.

I've learned so much, I need to follow the signs, my past keeps fighting me, telling me the old way works. While it keeps me safe it doesn't give me what I want, I need to follow the signs, they point the way to what I want.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#194894 - 12/11/07 10:37 PM Re: I have to know what happened [Re: mogigo]
fixer Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Central Virginia
Sometimes the signs are pointing to where you NEED to go, not where you WANT to go.

It's ok to be angry, you're entitled to your feelings....just be careful where you point it. If you can use it for something constructive, all the better.

Dave


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#194896 - 12/11/07 10:48 PM Re: I have to know what happened [Re: onlyakid]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hey, Jason

I know what you mean. It's maddening how little I remember. Probably the most vivid memory I have is when my classmates and I were in the school's pool. The water was freezing, so, one by one, my classmates decided to leave and get dressed. I stayed behind, so that I would be alone, again, with my abuser, the swimming teacher/gym teacher.

Why did I stay? Why did I come to him? What happened after? All I remember is his smile, like he thought I loved him.

Perhaps it is the strongest memory because I was so cold, shivering, my teeth chattering.

I know that he taught for about two and a half years, and that the abuse began almost immediately once he was hired and continued until he was replaced. Other than that, most of it is lost.

But I've come to realize that, though I don't know exactly what happened, I know what I need to know. I know that I can't blame myself. I know all the ways abuse has affected my life. I know the ways I need to change and the obstacles I still need to overcome.

Sometimes I try to remember more, but I accept that it was so horrible that my unconscious has blocked it out. And, even if I could recall every detail, I would still have the same issues to deal with.

My advice, (which I wish I could follow more faithfully myself,) is to concentrate on the present: your job, love, family. You were abused. You know that you were abused, or you wouldn't be here. Pick up the pieces of your life instead of sorting through the fragments of your past.

Hoped that helped. Know that you are not alone.


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#194958 - 12/12/07 09:56 AM Re: I have to know what happened [Re: Bewlayb1]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Jason I think you are too hard on yourself. You know it was abuse that is all that is important. You could have your T find someone that does EMDR for you.

I had my first EMDR session last Friday and it was good. However Jason I don't know if it will help you remember things.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#194961 - 12/12/07 10:26 AM Re: I have to know what happened [Re: Muldoon]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2503
Loc: Denver, CO
Jason, I agree with Tom - I think you're being way too hard on yourself. I do not remember most of my abuse. In fact, I remember very little before my 14th birthday and none before my 6th.

I searched out an EDMR specialist once. He said although it could be instrumental in helping me deal with what I know now - it wouldn't necessarily help me remember anything else, unless the fact I could deal with present memories released more.

I think I understand the anger, frustration, and fear that goes with knowing so little. I have voiced several times to my T that I have a LOT of fear of remembering. When I read about what some of the guys here that DO remember are going through ...

Just know you're not alone. Not knowing is bad. Knowing I'm sure isn't the greatest either. It WAS abuse - it will take some healing.

M


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