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#194852 - 12/11/07 07:15 PM Between
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I forgive now, or try to
But the child will not
I understand, or think I might
But the child will have none of it
He was dying
He was my daddy
He was confused
He should have loved me
I wasn't the boy he wanted me to be
He hurt me
There was a weakness
He did things to me he shouldn't have done
He probably loved me
He hated me.....I know he hated me
And, besides, I'll be better off, if I forgive him
I will never forgive him ever. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him.
He is my child
He was my father
I am no one, caught somewhere in between

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#194853 - 12/11/07 07:19 PM Re: Between [Re: Bobby]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
WOW Boddy... that is very powerful. I really liked the first 2 lines. How you express how the adult and the child are torn at times.

((hugs))

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#194914 - 12/12/07 12:27 AM Re: Between [Re: James_dup1]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Very moving and powerful, Bobby. I can empathize with you on a lot of levels with this poem. There were so many things I felt so inferior at with my own father. So many things I wanted to be for him so he would simply love me, want me, enjoy me.

_________________________
Eddie

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#195191 - 12/14/07 06:54 AM Re: Between [Re: EGL]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
My father was not my abuser but he was not around either, nor was my mom for that matter. He was redeemed for 33 years of neglect by responding to my "I love you dad" by saying for the first time ever, "I love you too!" How much better my life would have been If I had heard that reassurance years before? but he said it 2 weeks before his unexpected death and it was powerful beyond belief.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#195349 - 12/15/07 09:17 AM Re: Between [Re: dancr6]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

I am so sorry. There are times when I suddenly feel I have gained an insight into how guys feel who were abused or neglected by their fathers - this is one of those moments. Thanks for sharing and for enlightening me yet again.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#195350 - 12/15/07 09:20 AM Re: Between [Re: dancr6]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
dancr6,

Originally Posted By: dancr6
My father ... was redeemed for 33 years of neglect by responding to my "I love you dad" by saying for the first time ever, "I love you too!" ... he said it 2 weeks before his unexpected death and it was powerful beyond belief.


My Dad was not the abuser for me either, but the man who hurt me managed to drive an emotional wedge between my father and me that lasted for years. It was a powerful moment when I could at last tell him again that I loved him, and hear the same from him.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#196997 - 12/28/07 06:41 PM Re: Between [Re: roadrunner]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Larry, it's frightening to think of how I would have felt if he had never told me he loved me. But.......the universe fixed that one and I will be eternally grateful. Bobby, My heart is with a fightened little guy on this one.

Lovingly,
Dan

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top
#197040 - 12/28/07 10:46 PM Re: Between [Re: dancr6]
Liri Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor
New Here

Registered: 12/27/07
Posts: 127
Loc: Seattle, WA
This poems nails some of the conflicts I'm trying to figure out now. My Dad always told me he loved me, but it creeped me out. How could he really love me and rip apart my soul at the same time? And whenever he said that he loved me, I was expected to say it back to him sweetly. Finally, in 2006 when I left him for good, he screamed at me, "Why do you hate me so much?". I just turned and walked out. My adult wants to forgive him, because he is an old man who is rapidly losing his cognitive abilities, but I have barely begun to let my boy feel the rage inside.

_________________________
As a small child, I felt in my heart two contradictory feelings, the horror of life and the ecstasy of life. --Charles Baudelaire

My Story

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#197235 - 12/30/07 09:46 AM Re: Between [Re: EGL]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Eddie,

Originally Posted By: EGL
So many things I wanted to be for him so he would simply love me, want me, enjoy me.


You and I have spoken about these things so many times, but seeing this reduces me to tears. I hope you can now see - and believe - that you always deserved the best from your father. The failing was all his.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#197352 - 12/31/07 09:22 AM Re: Between [Re: roadrunner]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
I remember one incident in junior high, I was walking home with a couple of friends when I saw my father at a gas station across the street. My heart raced with excitement as we crossed the street. My father not only acknowledged me, he introduced me to the gas station owner, "____have you ever met my boy?" I could barely stand, I was so proud. That was one of the two "father/son moments" in 33 years, the other when he told me he loved me two weeks before he died. If he had only known how important he was to a lonely little guy, maybe he would have shown more love.
If something happened to those two memories I would be lost. the analogy of having a few bricks compared to having hundreds. If you lose one having hundreds it's not a big deal, but if you lose one and you only had a few, it's devastating. I am showering my kids with moments of love and my inner child is there receiving them too.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

Top


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