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#194825 - 12/11/07 03:42 PM Hate talking about this!
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
Why does this have to affect me so much? Why do I always feel afraid, angry, humiliated, gross, worthless all at the same time? I have very good few days, which is to say most of my good days only last for a few hours at most. Iím angry right now! Iím really, really pissed off! I was just a little boy and I didnít deserve to have those things happen to me. I didnít deserve a man touching parts of my body he shouldnít have. I didnít deserve him raping me. I didnít deserve him beating me when I refused to submit to his games. I didnít want to play those games. I WAS JUST A LITTLE FUCKINí KID!!!! I guess my only mistake was being born.
I wish I could just move on with my life and live it like every other normal person does. I feel like Iím stuck and Iím never going to get anywhere. I went to my shrink today, and I canít stand it anymore. I donít want to talk to her or anybody about it. I hate my past and I wish I could just be somebody else. ďIím feeling bad,Ē I tell her when she asks at the beginning of my session. ďSTOP trying to get information out of me. If Iím not willing to tell you things, Iím not going to tell you! No, I donít want to do Memory Recovery therapy. I donít want to remember anything. I want to forget, you stupid bitch! I want to stop coming here because I canít stand being near you! I donít like the questions you ask me. I donít want your pity either. I just want you to leave me alone!Ē
Why is that so hard for everyone to understand? I just donít want to talk about it. I have written about it, and people have read it. But thatís not good enough. They want me to say it. Why? Maybe instead of me being interrogated, maybe they should look harder for my uncle and my mom and dig into their brains. Theyíre the ones who should have to go through this shit.


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#194837 - 12/11/07 05:14 PM Re: Hate talking about this! [Re: JasonSmalls]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I don't know if there's such a thing as a "normal person." Everyone has their things, victim or not. How boring would Earth be with a bunch of normal people anyway?

Your therapist is trying to help. I doubt she can read minds. How else can she help without questions? Do you have any ideas? Maybe you can discuss other ways.

I'm not sure your age but if you're over 18, therapy is optional, last I checked.

For me, the more I fought therapy, the harder it was. \:\(

Good luck man. \:\) I got your back!

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194841 - 12/11/07 05:40 PM Re: Hate talking about this! [Re: AndyJB2005]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

I hear you loud and clear bro! At the moment I think the best thing you can do is exactly what you are already doing - letting out how you feel. People suggest you do that just because if you don't let it out bit by bit, it will eventually explode out and perhaps in ways that are unhelpful or even harmful.

On your T, I get the feeling she is proceeding too fast. If you don't want to talk about things then she should respect that. Here's an idea. Can you tell her exactly how you feel, but agree to do a certain number of sessions and really try to cooperate with her and let her help you? But the idea would be that when those sessions are over, if you still feel you don't want anything to do with therapy then it will stop.

You may change your mind later - who knows. But if a guy has his mind set against therapy I really don't see how therapy can help him. Being forced into it and feeling cornered about it can't be good for anyone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194893 - 12/11/07 10:28 PM Re: Hate talking about this! [Re: roadrunner]
fixer Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Central Virginia
Jason,

I kept my secret to myself for 35 years. All that time I carried that weight by myself. When I finally talked about it, and I mean the very first time I mentioned to a shrink, the weight became less. I guess that's why in the meetings they call it "sharing"

When I talk about it, either with my wife, or my T, or here, with other victims and survivors, the words become real, almost palpable, kind of like bubbles I can see in front of me, and I can pop them. The have less power....The more I talk about it, the more I acknowledge that it happened, but also the more I put it in past tense, in it's perspective of not being my fault.

But Larry is right....if it's moving too fast, then slow down, but don't stop! It took me 35 years to admit my shame to another person, so it may take you time to be able to confront those feelings and make them real, so you can begin to put them in their proper place. Hang in....never give up hope that you deserve to be happy, peaceful, and calm...you do. Some of us just have to weather a few storms before we get there.

In one of my meetings, there is an older lady that says "God loves us because he's good, not because we are" Regardless of your religious feelings.....Take this with you....You are loved here, on these boards and in this chat, because there are those of us who have it in our hearts to love you, whether you feel like you deserve it or not. We understand like few others can.

Dave


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#194973 - 12/12/07 12:55 PM Re: Hate talking about this! [Re: fixer]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Jason,

Keep writing here! You're really brave and I feel much the same way sometimes. I know this infinite, white-hot anger, this rage over what was done to you. Let it out. You'll get better. I'm so sorry for what your uncle did. You deserve a loving, gentle parent who protects you. I didn't have that either. I F***in' HATE THAT!!!

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir díun mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis nť pour te connaÓtre, Pour te nommer
Libertť

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#196572 - 12/25/07 02:21 AM Re: Hate talking about this! [Re: JasonSmalls]
Paulmusicman Offline
New Here

Registered: 10/20/07
Posts: 7
Loc: Fargo, ND
You're right----it wasn't fair. You were a little kid. It wasn't your fault. Why do we have to do all this work in recovery? We were just little kids. I wish I could get to the angry part....you are able to express your anger....and I think that is a good thing. But moving on will feel better than staying angry. You have every damn right to be fucking angry. And I'm glad you are writing it down. I wasn't ready to talk about this for many years.....and it's taken my therapist about 3 years to get to many of the deepest issues. We just need share what we are comfortable to share. I hid the issue for 30 years.....I'm glad you are confronting it now. I wish I had done it earlier....but they say you will do this work of recovery when you are ready. So I guess I'm finally ready. But you're right. We didn't deserve this and our families need to know our struggles....then they can start to understand some of the pain we endure. But keep talking to others who have also been sexually abused .... you are not alone and these feelings are so very painful. AT least another victim would understand.


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