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#194770 - 12/11/07 05:52 AM My counselors question.
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Last Wednesday when i had my meeting with my counselor, he asked me who do i blame for my abuse.
The answer should have been my abusers. I just sat there and part of my brain wanted to say its all my abusers fault, but i could not.
I look back at when i was a child and i cant shake the thought that if i had only said something or run away then it would not have carried on.
I have talked to some on this site about this before, im told that i was only a child and scared. They say its all my abusers fault and i should not be blamed in anyway.
I cant shake the thoughts that i should have done something, i sit here thinking about the abuse all the time. I just cant seem to forgive myself for doing nothing.
How can you move on if you cant even forgive yourself ?.


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#194772 - 12/11/07 06:34 AM Re: My counselors question. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Seven,

Good question, and I think the answer is that you just have to be honest with yourself and keep working on this one. These feelings have been with you a LONG time; it's okay if they can't be offloaded in a day or a week or a month. Remember too that it always takes longer to believe in something - to trust it enough to build on it - than it does to just "know" it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194798 - 12/11/07 12:10 PM Re: My counselors question. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hello Seven Arrows, I also blame the child in me for not running or fighting back. But how do you run away from a nightmare? I remember freezing then blanking out. What could I do? My body just reacted that way. I feel your pain...It's my pain too...my therapist told me to be kind to that part of me that froze...I also have a hard time forgiving myself...but coming here and talking about my issues...and reading the ups and downs of others here takes me one step closer to wholeness. Don't give up.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#194818 - 12/11/07 03:25 PM Re: My counselors question. [Re: thesun3]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
SA,

It is a very thoughtfull question you asked. It is often the problem for survivors in therapy to try to articulate their thoughts and feelings "right". I mean a survivor can be worried about what a therapist might think. I would say to you, discuss your feelings about guilt with you counselor. Tell them how you see this problem and why it is difficult for you to give a black-and-white answer to questions like the one they asked you. A good T will understand your confusion and he will encourage you to try to gid deeper to realize what really hppened and how you might have perceived the situation, the abuser, and yourself.

Take care,
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#194921 - 12/12/07 12:42 AM Re: My counselors question. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Originally Posted By: SEVEN ARROWS
I cant shake the thoughts that i should have done something, i sit here thinking about the abuse all the time. I just cant seem to forgive myself for doing nothing.
How can you move on if you cant even forgive yourself ?.


That's a hard one, and it's one I struggle with a lot. The last abuser was when I was 16, so I find it real easy to beat myself up for not getting myself out of the situation. I think forgiveness of yourself comes on gradually as you begin to gain more perspective of what it was that happened to you. As least that's how it has been for me.

_________________________
Eddie

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#194945 - 12/12/07 08:36 AM Re: My counselors question. [Re: EGL]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Just got back from my counselors meeting. The counselor said that he can see a lot of anger inside of me and we have to work on forgiveness. Not forgiveness towards the abusers but forgiving myself for not being able to do something about the abuse.
He said i should be directing my anger at my abuser and not turning it on myself all the time. He said in time i will be able to look at myself and forgive myself, then one day he hopes i can forgive my abusers and start to rebuild my life.
At the moment i cannot see the day coming when im able to forgive my abusers, i dont think i can ever forgive them. Why should they have my forgiveness.


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#194966 - 12/12/07 11:11 AM Re: My counselors question. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
My therapist told me that anger preceeds forgiveness. No one knows how long the flames of anger will linger. However, talking about it and writing about it gets one a bit closer to forgiveness. It may take some time. Be kind to yourself...you were just a child..and we are here for you.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#194969 - 12/12/07 11:42 AM Re: My counselors question. [Re: thesun3]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
Thankyou thesun3

I feel so alone most of the time, just anger inside of me. I try to look past the anger and i am trying to get on with my life, but its so hard.
Every time i try to do something it goes wrong and it feels like the world has ganged up on me.
I know that this is not true but it feels like it sometimes. I sent my mum a letter telling her some of the abuse and after three weeks ive still not had a reply. This has got me thinking that she does not care and this is building the anger up inside of me.
Does it ever end and can i ever let the anger go.


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#194995 - 12/12/07 03:05 PM Re: My counselors question. [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
You have taken a brave step forward writing to your mom about your abuse. You did your part...now its out of your hands. Only God knows whats going on in your mom's mind...my mom didn't even want to hear it...she'd react in anger...she was so bent on denying the abuse ever happened. Nevertheless, you and I made the effort...good for you, and good for me. In the meantime,look for healthy ways to vent your anger. Take Care.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#195378 - 12/15/07 12:06 PM Re: My counselors question. [Re: thesun3]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
thesun3

My mum did know about some of the abuse when it was happening, and later she found out more of the things that were done to me. I sent her the letter to see if we could talk about it. My mum was in partial agreement with my step dad, when she said it was so long ago and i should patch things up with my step dad. She told me this when she gave him my telephone number.
I dont know why and i dont know if i want long term contract with her, but ive given her this chance to speak.
Still its heading for four weeks since i sent her the letter, so not much hope of a response.


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