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#194752 - 12/10/07 10:32 PM triggered by old post from fake
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
This stemmed from a post about a movie from shadowkid.
All of the sudden it just came out.

I sure don't want to be here and didn't want the csa but I'm glad that I have a place to go. I lived alone with this secret for 25 years. It is a sad place to be when you think nobody cares, you can't tell anyone, and can't feel the love that others are offering that really care. The wasted years of pain and suffering , drugs and alcohol, suicide attempts, institutions, alone, lost, fragmented, not even knowing myself. The lies, betrayal of friendship, not able to see the world around me without thinking of the lack of trust I have. The hostility of every day living beating up myself because of something I don't understand, feelings I can't express because I don't know how. Frustration over broken relationships with broken people because I don't know what a healthy relationship is. my heart aches for my loss and yours too. I wish it could all go away and it will be OK but it wont until I face the truth. Which I have and that it is not my fault!

peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194765 - 12/11/07 01:09 AM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: GateKPR4]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Rick,

I hear you! It was NOT your fault! It's not fair that we have to deal with all the frustration, anger and pain just because someone else chose to use and abuse us. I wish I had the answer for you but I don't. We all deal with this in different ways. Personally, I found that talking about it helped a lot. Sometimes "talking" turned into yelling, screaming and crying. I've done a lot of that!

Keep talking! There are many of us here everyday that are listening to you.

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#194766 - 12/11/07 01:14 AM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: GateKPR4]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
seems like 3 or 4 lifetimes ago after seperating myself from a painful past. Age 5 seems like light years away, and 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, and 16, ages when I was hurt and then 22 when i was raped on the way to go study at night. Now at 45 I am somehow better able to take care of myself. I just wish I did not have to go through all I did to become so strong, and why did I have to be this strong. I could have done without some of the abuse. I could have done well without any abuse.

No one wants abuse, or incest I sure did not. It is not my fault, and as in one of my poems, the prison was not mine it belonged to those that molested me.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#194771 - 12/11/07 06:30 AM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: GateKPR4]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rick,

Originally Posted By: GateKPR4
I wish it could all go away and it will be OK but it wont until I face the truth. Which I have and that it is not my fault!


You're so right. None of it was your fault. I hope you will keep talking here, because by doing that you will find it easier to face and go for the hard work that still lies ahead. Talking about things is yet another way of insisting that it wasn't our fault and we will not be silenced about it any longer.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194794 - 12/11/07 11:32 AM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thanks for your support guys, Reminds me of one of my favorites The WHO
TOMMY and the songs "We're Not Gonna Take It" And "I'm a Sensation" where he flies around on the hang glider. The two songs to me have great meaning, the csa had caused me to be deaf,dumb, and blind, but I was a good person going through bad things. We're not going to take it is the rise over the silence the return of our senses to feel again, to be alive. Sensation - This is the euphoria I felt after disclosure and the realization that I am free to be me. I am human and want to share my humanity and joy to all.
BTW: Tommy is a perfect example of how I felt for all those years, and still a lingering effect today. For the younger ones here If you have not seen Tommy you are missing a powerful movie.
-------------------------------------------
Tommy can you hear me?
Tommy, can you see me?
Can I help to cheer you?
Tommy, can you hear me?
Can you feel me near you?
Oooh, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
------------------------------
Doctor:
He seems to be completely unreceptive.
The tests I gave him show no sense at all.
His eyes react to light the dials detect it.
He hears but cannot answer to your call.

Tommy:
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.

Doctor:
There is no chance no untried operation.
All hope lies with him and none with me.
Imagine though the shock from isolation.
When he suddenly can hear and speak and see.

Tommy:
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.
See me, feel me, touch me, heal me.



Edited by GateKPR4 (12/11/07 11:41 AM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194826 - 12/11/07 03:42 PM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: GateKPR4]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Thank you, Rick,

You are so right! You have all the feelings that help survivors to heal and thrive.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#194843 - 12/11/07 05:52 PM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: alexey]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
"Imagine though the shock from isolation.
When he suddenly can hear and speak and see."

This is what I am experiencing now. It is a new world for me and I'm trying to adjust the best I can.
-----------------
When I got home tonight I was telling my mom about "Tommy" and how the music spoke to me, I understood what he was going through and that today I made the connection between my own experience and the lyrics to the songs. I was overwhelmed with emotion like a little boy, I told me mom it was like Ricky can you hear me? NO! Ricky can you see me? NO! Ricky can you feel me? NO! I wanted to tell you so long ago but I was numb. We cried together and I could say YES mom I can hear you today, I can see you, I can feel the love you have for me.
peace
Rick



Edited by GateKPR4 (12/11/07 06:22 PM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#195049 - 12/13/07 04:12 AM Re: triggered by old post from fake [Re: GateKPR4]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
thanks rick I really needed to read your posts they helped and I love Tommy thanks
mj

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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