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#194744 - 12/10/07 09:04 PM Sex addiction and emotional anorexia
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Hello,

I just joined. This site is great.

I was molested when I was 6 through to 7 years old. I locked it away in my brain and never thought about it.

I just figured I had a very high libido. I'm a young man, in good shape, etc. Anway, I began watching a documentary on sex addiction a few months ago and it was shown that 90% of those people suffered from sexual abuse as a child. That the molestation manifested itself into a sex addiction.

I have had sex with hundreds of women. And now it is all coming together. I want to stop - I abstained for 2 months but could not resist any longer. I always use condoms and had about 5 STD checks over the past two months - all negative.

I notice there is talk of "base line". What is this? I am "stepping down" to hopefully reach total abstinence. For the past 12 months, I have "abstained" from protected vaginal sex, and only ever had protected oral sex. I abtained totally for 2 months but it was impossible. Now, I have begun to "abstain" from protected oral sex, and will only participate in mutual masturbation.

Is this a good strategy? Is this normal to have such urges? I cannot control myself, but, thankfully, I have learned to abstain from vaginal sex - which was a big step. Now abtsaining from oral sex is another big step. Maybe, soon, I can abstain from mutual masturbation with women.

Thanks for the help!



Edited by gravitas (12/17/07 06:50 PM)

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#194762 - 12/11/07 12:15 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hey, Gravitas. \:\) Welcome to Male Survivor!! Glad you found us!

Have you considered Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA) and/or Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA)? They've helped me tremendously. I think it is the best way to control addictive sexual behavior. For me therapy and SLAA, and my recovery friends, have really saved my life -- literally.

Do I think just abstaining is a good idea? Not if you do it by yourself with no support. That NEVER worked for me. But with caring people who can relate it made it so much easier, and I didn't think I was some kind of monster anymore.

You say you can't control yourself? Do you feel powerless?

Just a suggestion. \:\) Keep coming!


_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194775 - 12/11/07 07:51 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: AndyJB2005]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Thanks Andy.

What do you mean it saved your life? Did you used to have unsafe sex? or was it too overwheling (the addiction)?

I have no control because while I consiously tell myself not to do it, I can't help myself. So, yes, I do feel powerless. Although, i'm proud that I restrict myself to non-vaginal sex so that was a big step.

Thanks again for your help!!!


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#194789 - 12/11/07 10:46 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hey again, Gravitas. \:\)

For me, my addiction was leading me on fast path to either jail or death. I had tried to get the courage to kill myself a number of times before finding help, out of shame, and it was just a matter of time the courage was found. If it wasn't for SLAA and my other forms of support (therapy, my online group, etc), I would've been one of those two for sure by now. So that's how it saved my life, really.

Yes, you could say I had unhealthy sexual habits. Still do today but I have a much better hold of it than say 4 years ago.

Here's a questionnaire from the SLAA website. Might be worth taking a look at.

40 questions 40 Questions for Self-Diagnosis

Good luck man!!! Give it a shot if you want. Like they say, if you don't like it they'll gladly refund your misery. ;\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194916 - 12/12/07 12:31 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: AndyJB2005]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Thanks Andy,

I'll PM you for some more info on the online group.

Appreciate your hhelp!


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#194949 - 12/12/07 08:53 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Hi Gravitas,

I've been there too - lots of out of control addictive sex and feeling miserable. Like Andy, I found help in SAA. I encourage you to check them or SLAA out. SAA has lots of telemeetings that you can check out by phone, if there are no local meetings near you.

Peace, Mike5


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#195126 - 12/13/07 06:50 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: mike5]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
Thanks mike!


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#195631 - 12/17/07 10:16 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
Csmith Offline
New Here

Registered: 06/05/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Portland, OR
Andy -

I checked out the site. Amazingly hitting home with me. The emotional anorexia was spot on. I'm still in awe of how much it described what I have gone through for years.

If you don't mind, could I get the online meeting info, as well?

thanks
C



Edited by Csmith (12/17/07 10:16 AM)

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#195638 - 12/17/07 11:01 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: Csmith]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Sure, C!

Go to this link: http://63.79.14.90/cgi-bin/irc.cgi

- Type in a nick name under "Nick"

- Under "Channel" type #slaa

- Hit "login"

It should take you to the main room. \:\)

Meeting times are at: 12:00pm EST, 4:30pm EST and 10:00pm EST Daily.

Also, if you happen to have the mIRC program, there's a way to get to it with that, too. Let me know if you need that info. \:\)

Hope to see you there!

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#195694 - 12/17/07 06:51 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: AndyJB2005]
gravitas Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/10/07
Posts: 18
I also have emotional anorexia - inability to love a woman etc.

I added it to the title. It is a real issue.

Best wishes


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#196506 - 12/24/07 10:21 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Right after I was molested I remember having the thought that the only thing I was good for was pleasing others sexually. The molestation left me ashamed and as I grew into adulthood I began using masturbation, voyeurism and fantacy as a way to cope with stressful situations. It grew when I married my wife, pornography and phone sex were the favorites. Somehow my minds eye regarding my marriage was totally dependent upon how much sex was provided, i.e. everything was alright and I felt needed as long as she showed interest in sex. She must love me if she needs to make love to me is what I thought; again all I felt I brought to the table was sexual pleasure. Mistaking sex for love is a difficult thing to get through and I am not on the other side yet. I am trying but when your hardwired this way you need a professional to help re-program the software.

I think the sex addict groups and some reading material will give you comfort.

Try Victims no Longer, Abused boys, and my book What ever it Takes, God.

Hope this helps,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#269760 - 01/03/09 12:54 AM Re: Sex addiction and emotional anorexia [Re: gravitas]
jones9985 Offline


Registered: 01/03/09
Posts: 1
Hi, This is Jones. You can do by you own so that you can control your emotions. So don't get tempted to do with women. Be on own and do every move safely. Find the latest news and discuss the latest topics with members of the Bulimia and Eating Disorders Community.
_______
Jones




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#269778 - 01/03/09 02:45 AM Re: Sex addiction and emotional anorexia [Re: jones9985]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Well, welcome Jones among us, Good to have you here, tell us of your recocery journey so far. What has led to here ???

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#269806 - 01/03/09 06:39 PM Re: Sex addiction and emotional anorexia [Re: joelRT]
Puzzled Offline


Registered: 08/30/08
Posts: 18
Hey John I can relate to this.I was sexually abused by my brother and was made to give him oral sex for 3 years when I was a kid. All my life I have had sex with both gender and always have felt my job was only to please others sexually and thats what I have done. I am in therapy now and will begin to deal with this soon this is from the book out of the shadows understanding sexual addiction by patrick carnes,being sexually abused teaches the child that in order to have a relationship,one has to be sexual.Sex becomes one of the most tangible trade offs for love. Good Luck - God Bless


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#271079 - 01/13/09 09:39 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: mike5]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Mike 5

can you tell me more about SAA

I get overwhelmed with lots of out of control addictive sex (masturbation with fantacies) and feeling miserable after


yeah - out of control sexual desire
that's my problem

Nathan 5


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#271161 - 01/13/09 06:36 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: nathan555]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Hi Nathan,

I'd be happy to tell you more. I see from your message that you are in Australia. I checked the international service organization's web site and saw that there are meetings in Australia (http://saa-recovery.org/meetings.htm). Send me a pm and I will be happy to answer whatever questions you have.

Mike

P.S. Nice to meet another 5 :-)


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#272279 - 01/22/09 10:54 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: mike5]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Mike
I am ashamed to admit after some heart searching I have sex addictions
masturbation - bi
looking at gays
even an unhealthy sexual appetite for guys

can anyone help
Nathan 5


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#272282 - 01/22/09 11:18 AM Blank [Re: nathan555]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK

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#272296 - 01/22/09 06:19 PM Re: Sex addiction [Re: steveb121]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada
Nathan,

Welcome to the club, not to be glib, simply know that there is hope and many of us survivors have walked those dark places(most of mine are remote recesses of my mind). Check out the various 12-steps that address sexual addictions ( SAA, SA, SLAA, SCA, SRA ) that have meetings in your vicinity, hit several of each and you will surely find the best fit for you. Consider the one that you want to run from the most, I find that my 'but I don't want to' thoughts are my addict trying to dissuade me (he worked hard to keep me away from al-anon).

Keep stepping along, you are worth it!

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#280832 - 03/26/09 12:52 AM Re: Sex addiction and emotional anorexia [Re: gravitas]
ronbraad Offline


Registered: 03/26/09
Posts: 1
Unlike with drugs and alcohol, sexual sobriety does not imply abstinence from sex. While those in recovery normally try out a period of complete celibacy before they feel they can address their own personal issues, it is not the recommended long term path to recovery. What is more effective is a “contract” between the sex addict and his / her sponsor that involves very specific behavior patterns that have to be avoided in order to call themselves sober. These personal definitions of sobriety can also evolve and change over time as progress is made and the disease is dealt with.



Edited by ModTeam (03/26/09 01:08 AM)
Edit Reason: personal contact info not approved prior to posting

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#281907 - 04/02/09 03:33 AM Re: Sex addiction [Re: gravitas]
coaster Offline


Registered: 04/02/09
Posts: 18
Hi, I'm new to this site, but have been working on my stuff for years.

What is social anorexia?

Thanks,

Coaster


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