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#194570 - 12/09/07 12:56 PM aids boy (triggers)
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
i didnt think this would affect me as much as it did. a while back my friend came to me asking wether or not he should persue advances from a guy who was HIV+. being poz myself, and him being one of my closest friends, i said no. i said that its not worth it. this is me trying to protect him. but i know that i have sex with neg people all the time. i woke up to an email this morning

"i let aids boy blow me."

his nickname is aids boy. we have nicknames for everyone. but it kinda knocked the wind out of me. i am really torn on this one.. i dont want my friend to get hurt but i know that aids boy desereves to be loved too. makes me question my actions as a poz guy. i dont know.. kinda just puts me in a funk.


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#194571 - 12/09/07 01:07 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Sorry Jarrad-Steve


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#194573 - 12/09/07 01:13 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: sabata]
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
Sorry Jarrad... I can see why it would kind of put ya in a funk. Torn between wanting to keep your friend safe and all. Just keep being you your a great person.

James

_________________________
I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#194575 - 12/09/07 01:35 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, you do deserve to be loved too Jarrad. I think it's more important for you to find a lover, as opposed to just sexual partners. This makes it much more safer for others because you would care more about the consequences. You and other HIV+'s can talk more openly about the safety needed in your position (insert dirty thought's here). Nothing needs to change in you having a loving relationship, just the precautions need to be addressed.

I wish you more than anyone to find your soul-mate Jarrad

Love ya Brother
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#194606 - 12/09/07 08:15 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: mogigo]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
thanks mike.


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#194657 - 12/10/07 10:08 AM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Wow. I know you don't want to get all PC on him for a stupid nickname, but that was pretty insensitive.

Originally Posted By: Jarrad
i dont want my friend to get hurt but i know that aids boy desereves to be loved too.


It's their choice to make. Like the Queen (of England!), your role is just to "advise and warn" (and put up with obnoxious comments from the public).

I second Mike -- there's more to you than sex and health. I hope you find people in your real life who value you for your mind and heart, whether friends or lovers.

David


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#194667 - 12/10/07 11:32 AM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: MemoryVault]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
I want to add my "third" to the thread - you are not defined by your orientation or your HIV status or as a CSA survivor - you are a whole person, and when there is a comment that pidgeon holes you, it can be very painful....

I have come to know you from your posts, and yes, you are gay, HIV+... but you are also funny, smart, sensative, VERY provocative, honest, scared, happy, silly, serious..... All the things that make up a very complete, interesting human who has much to share with others.

"Bald Dan"

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#194671 - 12/10/07 11:54 AM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: MemoryVault]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
As an HIV- gay man in a LTR with an HIV+ guy, I have a couple of observations on this topic that might be relevant.

First, it's harder on me than I thought it would be. I love Kent deeply, and watching him slowly deteriorate is painful. He's been through several surgeries and two total hip replacements because of his HIV, and now his left shoulder is starting to ache. I have to wonder if he's going to need to have his shoulders replaced too, eventually.

Every new complication is life threatening, and many times I have checked on him if he sleeps late to make sure that he is still alive. I worry about his health constantly.

I knew he was POZ when I met him. I figured, "Well, he could die from AIDS, but then again he could be hit by a bus just as easily." What I didn't know was that I was going to end up worrying about every bus on the highway.

It's also hell on our sex life. We know we have to be careful, and while that's fine with a new lover (will all the passion that exists with 'new love') but with a life-partner you need spontanaeity and some good old fun, without having to worry about condoms or who cums when and where...

So, if I could do it all over, knowing what I know now, would I still choose to marry Kent? I don't know. He says that if it weren't for me he'd be dead by now, and I feel good about helping him. He's also saved me from myself a couple of times. He's a good co-Dad to my kids. When he's feeling well, he's a lot of fun to be with, and one of the most vivacious and outgoing people I've ever met. But he's feeling well less and less often these days.

The risk of physical injury to me and my kids is extremely small. He's very careful about that, and so am I. But the risk of EMOTIONAL injury to me and my kids is a certainty. I KNOW I will outlive him (unless I get hit by a bus...) and his passing will be excruciatingly painful.

When she was 4 years old, my daughter taught me an important lesson by asking me a question. It was her birthday, and I had gotten a helium tank and lots of balloons, but she didn't want to blow them up. "If I blow them up, they WILL pop, Daddy. If I don't blow them up, I'll never get to enjoy them. What should I do?" she asked me...

"Blow them up, Sweetie," I told her. "It's better to enjoy them for as long as you can, than to never have enjoyed them at all." I enjoy Kent, and I will miss him terribly when he is gone. But it would have been all the more shame if I had never known him at all...

Life is full of choices, and each one carries it's own risks and it's own rewards. We can only decide for ourselves if it is worth it.

(Sorry this post is so long, Jarrad. I hope you made it through it... LOL)

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#194687 - 12/10/07 01:13 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Lazarus]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Lazarus,

Your words remind me of a quote I shared with my best friend recently... I think they are fitting here:

If you don't risk anything, you risk even more. -- Erica Jong

My wife was diagnosed 6 years ago with a chronic disease that makes some days hell. She went from being a full time business woman and the most incredible coparent - everything was 50/50 between us. Now, somedays, she is on the couch all day. Doing a load of laundry or driving the kids to school or even making herself lunch is painful, tiring and discouraging... Almost all of the responsibilities are shifted onto me, espcially when she is in a flair (like now). She is often in pain, and that, coupled with my survivor issues, has led to a nonexistant sexlife - we have intimacy, but not physically

- but her illness has been amazing in that it has taught us so much about living in the moment, being content with what we have, and celebrating the times when she is feeling well.

Jarrad, didn't mean to hijack the thread, but, as always, your posts gets me thinking. And thanks, Lazarus, for sharing your experiences as well... makes me think of the line from Rent... "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss... There's no day like today"

Peace
Dan

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#194688 - 12/10/07 01:17 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: dannym]
DeafDavid Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/17/06
Posts: 38
Loc: NM
Thanks guys for this topic..

I am a 17 year old guy and I have never known a time where HIV did not exist. I just wanted to share something with you guys about my experience. When I grew up living at my parents house, we had a neighbor down the road that had AIDS and I always just knew that about him and it was a part of being him as far as I was concerned. He was a loner like me and we became friends and remained friends for many years. He was a massage therapist and other healing therapist as well. He was the only person that knew I was being abused at home and did what he could to help. We both talked for hours and hours about everything in our lives, good and bad. There is no way I could explain what all I received from this friendship and I can only hope he was rewarded with a small fraction of the benefit that I got out of it. As time went on, he became more ill and I became the one helping him rather than the way it was before. It became harder for him to speak clearly or sign with me so we stopped communicating in the same way we did before. Our friendship became just us being there with each other and towards the end I would just hold his hand or lay with him and hold him. When he died I was with him and felt such loss I wanted to die as well.

As time has past I still think often of him and feel grateful of what we shared and now the pain has changed. I now feel totally grateful I was close to my best friend and would never wish I didn't get close to him in the first place.

I guess I went a little off topic here. I just wanted to share that in my experience, if I had stayed away from this man because of his HIV status, I would never have had the best friend I ever had.

My two cents...

David


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#194690 - 12/10/07 01:22 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: DeafDavid]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
David,

Thank you for your post.

And thank you for being a wonderful friend to someone who really needed a friend. I'm sure he got as much benefit our of your friendship as you did, perhaps more.

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#194699 - 12/10/07 03:00 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Lazarus]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
Jarrad,

Thank you bringing up this topic regarding AIDS. I am HIV+ myself. The day I found out I was HIV+ I withdraw into myself, protecting myself from others. I am now too scared to ask a woman out as I find it difficult to keep things secret.

I have lived in secrecy too long. I hope you are ok and doing well.

Duncan

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#194714 - 12/10/07 05:29 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: duncanUK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Laz, your post was very touching, thank you. Just wanted to say and I know it's not quite the same because I'm sure it's more painful to have to expect to lose someone before they're time but it also reminded me of my grandmother when my grandfather died. I could see the toll it was taking on her and she died almost twenty years after him. It hurt to see her lose her soulmate. I think that eventually we all will lose the one we love and have to watch the other deteriorate at the end. It just seems to be a part of life.

I hope you know I'm not minimizing the effect of losing someone before their normal time. Just thought that we all take this chance with finding love. Glad you found love, you have lots of friends who will help you if and when the time comes. Love is it my friends, the reason.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#194726 - 12/10/07 07:43 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: MemoryVault]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
Originally Posted By: MemoryVault
Wow. I know you don't want to get all PC on him for a stupid nickname, but that was pretty insensitive.


haha taken out of context it does. but its not like that at all. all of our friends have code words we just use to identify them. its more humorous than anything.

but anyway.. thanks for all the postss. my friend and i had a pretty good conversation about it. i told him that i shouldnt be freaking out about it because really it was his life. but he said that he understood and it proves that i love him. which is true. and upon further discussion i learned aids boy is a bottom too (as well as my friend) and since two bottoms dont make a top, anal sex is out of the question. so the only viable option for sex for them is with toys.. which.. god.. lifted this huge weight off.


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#194727 - 12/10/07 07:46 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
and duncan, it was difficult for me to learn how/when/where to disclose my status to my partners. and no matter how many times i do it, it still sucks. you can't really drop the bomb gracefully. in my experience its better to tell sooner rather than later.. they tend to get less psyhco. good luck bud. lemme know if you want to talk. i have a lot of med experience as well.


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#200631 - 01/21/08 08:56 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
What an interesting array of responses in this thread and it is reassuring to read the generosity and understanding that goes beyond CSA support.

I say that because I am HIV+ since 1985, (now AIDS diagnosed). I have had my share of lousy experiences and rejection because of it. I really identified with Jarrad's disclosure struggle because there is no textbook solution or recipe when to disclose. For me, I always have to tell and that is such a variable depending on the situation. It further complicates relationships, intimacy and trust. For me is one more issue and baggage.

However, because I have been abstinent for a long time because CSA has me confused about when sex is right, and so on. Most of us can relate to that part of intimacy and trust issues. I am grateful to see this being addressed here...Thank you Jarrad and others.

The intimacy alone is an issue because as survivors we tend to have difficulty with it, (without speaking for everyone). I am actually not sure what intimacy is and am just beginning to know real trust and love after much work. I am not fully there yet and that is partly why I am abstinent. It is a smart and safe road I am on. It is not always easy.

Then there is the whole disclosure issue because AIDS is and rightfully should be a red flag rather than something to be treated lightly or ignored. So combine confusion about trust, love and intimacy with disclosing that I am positive and there is a recipe for loneliness, stress and loss. But please, no pity parties here guys. Understanding and respect are what is most appreciated. That reaction helps build trust. At least that is how I read it now. Thankfully, I have been seeing that in the posts and in this thread.

Another facet of this reality is I have a horrible body image which is also common among survivors and then...there is low self esteem. These are a bit more pronounced in our CSA culture and more still in gay culture. I am aging and I also am about 40 pounds overweight with some physical changes with fat being redistributed to some degree on my frame. Self-acceptance is the real key here for me... but true for all of us.

I cannot tell you the number of No's I have received in all sorts of situations unless I were degrading myself, placing myself at risk by acting out sexually. The truth is I was inwardly crying out for human contact, validation or attention. In reality it was a lie to deceive myself into the belief (distorted thinking) that I was valued or loved. But gratefully, I am getting stronger. Like the saying goes: "That which does not kill you will make you stronger". Some days are real dark but I am getting stronger and so far it has not killed me. Collectively it almost did but I have been given grace repeatedly.

So yes guys, disclosure is hard, just like surviving is hard but I thank God for the supports and grace which have not only made me more determined to try, but I am a better man for all of it and certainly kinder and more compassionate. Those gifts have come through this site, you guys who are my brothers in this recovery and healing process. And especially from a wonderful therapist... and for myself God has always been there every step of the way. Even if you cannot connect with faith or God, He has been on my journey.

I did not intend to stray far from the point of disclosure and understanding but telling the story in a meaningful way not only helps me but hopefully helps you who read it. I have not had that real love experience that included intimacy, respect and meaningful sex, but maybe I will and maybe I won't. Regardless, the journey itself is meaningful and that counts for a whole lot. I have finally learned it's not about the sex. Not that sex is necessarily bad. But hopefully it will always be healthy.

As I wrap this up, I say thanks to all who share their stories, support and understanding because it all matters. We are lessons to each other. And again Jarrad, thank you for your courage.

In Peace,
Dan


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#200656 - 01/21/08 11:03 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Danbuff]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
hey thanks for your post dan. its actually really amazing how many poz guys we have on the site. its quite high acutally.


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#200750 - 01/22/08 01:53 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Jarrad,
I am not that aware of many other poz guys on here. I only know of one besides me and you. But for me it is a real big issue whenever it came to disclosure. Other than that, I don't allow it to interfere in my daily life. I have never seen it in the Gay forum which I might add that I think it should be in there considering this is a male survivors site. Not that AIDS is exclusively gay but the heterosexual guys are not all that attuned to it per se. Regardless, it is an issue worth addressing.
Dan


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#200798 - 01/22/08 10:04 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Danbuff]
Jarrad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
a lot of guys have PMed me about it. this place is crawling with us.


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#200805 - 01/22/08 11:40 PM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: Jarrad]
Danbuff Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 249
Loc: NY state
Guys have PMd you they are gay or Poz? I know there are plenty of Gay guys here Jarrad. I have talked to them too, I see the posts in the Gay forum. I just have not seen more than two Poz guys besides me and you're one of them.

_________________________
When you stumble, make it part of the dance.

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#200882 - 01/23/08 11:18 AM Re: aids boy (triggers) [Re: DeafDavid]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jarrad,

I wasn't sure what I could say in response to your first post that would make my point effectively, but then later I saw that a guy 40 years younger than me had already said it:

Originally Posted By: DeafDavid
I just wanted to share that in my experience, if I had stayed away from this man because of his HIV status, I would never have had the best friend I ever had.


This is the kind of friend I hope you find more of in your life. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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