I always seem to have more trouble with depresion at Christmas time. I am sure that I am not alone in this problem

not at all-steve

this is my first christmas since i have comeforth and sofar this month has been difficult I havent been able to get in the mood the festive mood. Lights dont excite me, decorations have no feeling, the music is tough to listen to with all the love love love in its meaning. I try to think how I enjoyed the holiday while i was keeping the secret but I cant really remember if I enjoyed it or had to enjoy it so i could survive in secrecy. So yes it is and will probably suck for me so I am with you Michael
MVNforWRD

I don't know why but always around this time was the worst for me. i think it has to do with many things.

Like suggested above, having to deal with family and put on that cheery smile and pretend that everything is peachy and that one is supposed to be so happy and grateful--I know that sounds horrible, Like I'm supposed to be entitled to have life be perfect, but it is not that.

I remember always being told by my parents to behave! As if there was some type of special honor code that should we trespass would harbour some terrific consequence! So we went along PRETENDING for the 'company.' I remember it was all so false. No joy, no holiday cheer, at least from their instructions (in my own family-only animosity). Although I felt some warmth seeing my cousins and Aunts and Unkles that I did not know I had or forgot about until the next year.

shit I have to go -will be back and finish rthis

Guys,

This has come up from a different angle on another thread, and there I suggested that we don't have to settle for whatever crap memories we have of the holidays of the past. We can do whatever we want to make our holiday time fun and meaningful in whatever way suits us. That is, we can start some traditions of our own.

Like everything else in recovery, the decisions are ultimately down to us. It's absolutely understandable that many of us would look back with sorrow and anger at holidays in the past - we did deserve better, and we have a right to that sorrow and anger. But we can also do something about it to change things in the present and for the sake of our own futures.

One thing that made me REAL determined about all this was to realize that every time I give in and dwell on things past, I am handing control of my life back to the abuser. I can curse him and wish him torn into a million pieces, sure - and I would have every right to do that. But the ultimate I can do against him is to deny him any chance to continue to hold power over me; that's what he really wanted, and I now have the ability to take that away from him.

For example, yesterday my wife and son and I went over to the next village to pick out a Christmas tree. It was pissing down rain and I slipped and slopped around in the mud and came home a total mess. But we got our tree, it was fun, and afterwards we all changed clothes, dried off, and sat around over tea talking about what we want to do over the holidays. I didn't think of the abuser a single time - not even ONCE. I didn't give a thought to how many Christmases he ruined for me with the abuse, the humiliating mind games, or the alcohol and drugs that I took refuge in after he was gone. Just that one day yesterday was worth all the work I have put into my recovery so far, let me tell you.

We can do it. We're WORTH it!

Much love,
Larry

Larry-I Am So glad You Can Have these experances---------------------Yet For me it is Real Hard-------------Being I have No One In my Life I Can Share With-----------I know This Is My problem-------------Steve

I got to the point where I absolutely dreaded this time of year.

2003 - had a breakdown mid December
2004 - had made a statement to the police in mid October & hadn't a clue how things were going to turn out. Anxious all the time.
2005 - had a court date set for the January of 2006, so was constantly worrying about that
2006 - court case was over, but my Brother in Law had surgery for cancer in December - that's where I go Christmas Day.
2007 - Brother in Laws cancer is back & he goes in for another operation this week.

I still try & enjoy Christmas all the same, even though it takes some effort.

I've got a new baby Goddaughter who is now 7 months old, and she has brought more light into my life.

Last Christmas, was the first after I'd been to court, and throughout the year, I had bought new toys (not too expensive)for under-privileged children. I took them to the local Salvation Army just before Christmas. I've just done the same again today. The thought of those kids receiving something good from a stranger on Cristmas Day makes me feel better. It lets them know that someone out here actually cares about them. I think we all know how important that is.

Best wishes ...Rik