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#194340 - 12/08/07 04:54 AM Nightmare
JasonSmalls Offline
Guest

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 142
Loc: NJ
I had a really good night last night. I went to a dance with my boyfriend and we danced from 5pm - 9pm. I had so much fun, and I dealt with the pressure and anxiety of being around a lot of people (which is really hard for me to do) and everything just went so good. We had to leave early because my boyfriend had to get home because him and his family are going away for the weekend. I think that sux, because I won't get to see him. I don't get to see him that much during the week so the weekend is all we have together.
Anywayz, I went to bed. Woke up with a really bad nightmare. I remember the nightmare well and it freaked me out. The problem is, I remember the nightmare and what my abuser was doing to me, but I don't actually remember it actually happening while i'm awake now. Is it just my imagination?I hate thinking it could be cause I remember when my uncle was doing things to me and my mom walked in on and then turned around and left. When I tried to talk to her about it, she said it was just my "imagination." i know it wasn't. She was there and I was there and i didn't just dream that up. In my dream tonight, i can still see her in the doorway looking at me. I didn't say anything to her, but she's telling me to stop imagining things and stop makin up lies. But she's right there and my uncle is blowing me. I don't know if that ever happend. I mean its true for sure that she walked in on it, but i remember her leavin right away. Now I got this dream that she standing there the whole time watchin it and its really creepy.

I used to have these star stickers on my bedroom ceiling when i was a kid. when u turn out the lights and the room gets dark, they glow and look just like outerspace. It's dumb, but i used to imagine that my bedroom was a spaceship and i was flyin all through outerspace and i had a big globe in my room and i'd look at it and think I was in space looking down at earth. I felt like i could go there when "he" came into my room in the middle of the night and did his things to me. I just stared up at the ceiling and imagined i was in outerspace. I cried the whole time threw it cause it hurt and it just didn't feel like it was supposed to be happening. I knew it was wrong and I remember him whisperin in my ear that "little boys are supposed to make uncles feel good." I remember so many things he said to me that made me feel scared, and ugly and worthless and wrong.
I wish i knew where he was cause I want to break his face. I want him to knw that he hurt me and what he did wasnt my fault and he's the one who's ugly and worthless. And i'm never gonna be like him.


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#194369 - 12/08/07 10:00 AM Re: Nightmare [Re: JasonSmalls]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jason,

The subconscious mind does funny things when we sleep, bro. It doesn't have a whole lot to deal with - nothing unusual to see, smell, feel or hear - so it looks over all the stuff it has laying around but hasn't figured out yet, and just picks up things to work on. It doesn't necessarily work on things as they actually happened; it's more likely to deal with these subjects according so what's troubling it, whether that stuff really happened or not.

So let's look at the time your mom walked in on you and your uncle, for example. She saw what was going on and walked away, then when you tried to talk about it she blew it all off as if it didn't really happen. That bothers you, and sure, you have every right to be troubled over that. It was her job to protect you and help you, and she didn't do that. That's what your mind is trying to figure out when it puts those bits all together as if they happened at the same time. Your mind is trying to figure out, "Why didn't she help me?"

I can just imagine how you felt when your uncle came into your room and did things to you. The feelings were terrible, and in all honesty, Jason, they were too much for a young boy to understand or tolerate. What you did to protect yourself is called "dissociation". What that means is that when the abuse was happening you protected yourself by imagining you were escaping to outer space; you were going away, so it wasn't really you who was being hurt back in that room.

Lots of us did that, my friend, and sometimes we still do it when we are older - also to protect ourselves. When I was being abused (age 10-14) I would look for something on the wall - usually a picture - and then make myself "go" there. Once I got to the wall I would "go" on up to the ceiling and find a corner where I could curl up in a ball. That was my way of pretending that the boy crying "down there" wasn't me; I was separating "me" from my body. It felt very real, and in fact some of my visual memories of the abuse are views from a corner of the ceiling, as if I am looking down on what's happening from somewhere else.

That doesn't mean we were crazy, by the way. It just means that we were so innocent and defenseless that this was the only way we could find to protect ourselves. It was a survival strategy, and we chose that one not only because we didn't have many choices, but also because "pretend" play is a very powerful and real experience for a child.

Jason, no, you're not going to be like him. You're talking about things now, you have strong family support from your grandparents, and you have a clear sense of what's right and wrong. You're going to get through all this and reclaim your life; it won't be anything like the path of ugliness and worthlessness that you uncle chose.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194377 - 12/08/07 10:26 AM Re: Nightmare [Re: roadrunner]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1245
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Pretending you were in a space ship is not dumb at all. Heck, I still pretend now; and I'm 26! \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194382 - 12/08/07 10:52 AM Re: Nightmare [Re: AndyJB2005]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Originally Posted By: AndyJB2005
Pretending you were in a space ship is not dumb at all. Heck, I still pretend now; and I'm 26! \:\)


58-year-old Trekkie checking in FOR REAL here! Beam me up Scotty. \:D

Seriously, it was only last year that I had made enough progress that I no longer had major need to dissociate, and even since then there have been a few occasions where I have done it again. When that happens I just tell myself, hey, this is one reason I survived. It's okay.

L.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194396 - 12/08/07 11:47 AM Re: Nightmare [Re: roadrunner]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Jason,

As Larry said, our mind during sleep is playing in its own games, and a usual man is unable to understand the whole meaning of his dreams. Your nightmares are awful because they make you feel the oldpainful feelings again. I have nightmares sometimes and they bother me too much, especially if I have them for several days straight.

It is good to talk to your counselor about your dreams. Therapists can interpret them so that they can help you.

Take care.
Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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