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#194341 - 12/08/07 06:45 AM Relationships and disclosure
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Relationships are tough, they take work and when csa enters the equation it seems tougher. I finally disclosed to my girl friend and it floored her. We were to be married at one time but it did not work out due to other complications. We have been trying to work it out but now I just guess the csa may be more than she can handle. She told me last week that if I found someone down here at the coast to go with it. The only thing that has changed between us is the disclosure. Although she is very supportive I don't think she can handle it emotionally. I have yet to experience anger from her toward my perp but we hardly see each other. I'm sure there is since we were together for about 6 years when I started drinking heavy and shut her out. Now she knows the truth and it looks as though I'll be alone again. In some ways I envy the people who have someone. Then again I wonder is it all worth it.
I'm 44 years old and own a home with my mom. who the heck would want to date a guy with a F#%^&d up life who lives with his mom at 44?

I miss being with someone and this lately just wears heavy on my mind.
I feel like damaged goods again. I hope some day I wont feel this way but its hard to deal with right now. I am doing really good with my recovery and its just going to take time but I want it yesterday damn it! I want the American dream, A cranky wife with 2 spoiled brats and a mutt crapping all over my lawn. lol... Just kidding. I already got a house, one son who I am very proud of and three grandkids. All I really want is someone to love, and someone to love me in return. Is that too much to ask for? Is this an unrealistic goal? I don't know.



Edited by GateKPR4 (12/08/07 07:13 AM)
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
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#194351 - 12/08/07 08:26 AM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: GateKPR4]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
hang in there you have some great people in your live allready-----------------steve


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#194403 - 12/08/07 12:22 PM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: sabata]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Gate,

I am sorry your disclosure brought about difficult emotional relationships with your woman.

Survivors are usually advised not to disclose to their partners until they are well into good relationships. However, in your case, you say you have been together for 6 years. This makes me think she may not be the right person for you, if she can't handle it after having so much with you.

Still I don;t know the details and what was hard for both of you, and how you see you reltionships. So don't rely on my opinion as a single source of support.

Try talking t a counselor and tell them all the details.

Hang in there.

Alexey

_________________________
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When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
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#194429 - 12/08/07 01:31 PM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: alexey]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rick,

I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you, and of course you are the only one who can tell whether it's all over. One thing you might try to do, however, is talk to her to try and discover what it is that's bothering her. She may have heard one of the old myths about CSA, for example, that abuse turns you gay or is likely to make you into an abuser yourself. Those crazy myths die hard, and even very knowledgeable caring people fall for them simply because of lack of any other information.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
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#194500 - 12/08/07 08:32 PM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: roadrunner]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Thanks for the input guys, I'll need some time to process this
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_˘┐˘_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194552 - 12/09/07 09:16 AM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: GateKPR4]
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
GateKPR4,

Maybe you don't want to hear this, but if she can't/won't be supportive of you when she learns about the CSA, then you probably will be better off not investing the time and energy, i.e., the portion of your very life, in the relationship with her.

My ex-wife used my CSA as part of her explanation when she left, but the truth was that she had (and still has) many issues of her own that she won't face. I don't know if the same might be true of your girlfriend, but I do know that you deserve someone who will care for you as you are today and not someone who will see only the perp's crime instead of the survivor.

My T told me that everyone has some kind of "baggage" and that there are many women who would be happy to be with a compassionate adult man who's worked on his own issues. Keep taking care of yourself and you'll be ok.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenů"ŚThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#194557 - 12/09/07 11:06 AM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: outis]
fixer Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/01/07
Posts: 18
Loc: Central Virginia
My heart cries for you Gatekeeper....I know these feelings, and can only wish that no one else had to feel them. Hang in, you ARE loved!

Dave


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#194560 - 12/09/07 11:18 AM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: outis]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA

Originally Posted By: outis

My ex-wife used my CSA as part of her explanation when she left, but the truth was that she had (and still has) many issues of her own that she won't face. I don't know if the same might be true of your girlfriend, but I do know that you deserve someone who will care for you as you are today and not someone who will see only the perp's crime instead of the survivor.


I think this is exactly what is going on. She has Multiple Sclerosis and I know it is very hard for her to deal with, she is facing it but it might just be the csa is to overwhelming being in her position. I can understand that.

Thank you all for your insight and support it is very helpful and I feel better after reading your posts.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_˘┐˘_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194595 - 12/09/07 06:31 PM Re: Relationships and disclosure [Re: GateKPR4]
deck Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/06
Posts: 109
Loc: Indiana
Stay strong. You're in my thoughts.


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