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#194301 - 12/07/07 11:27 PM The Symptoms of Depression
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I never realized how profound my depression was until I lived without it for a couple of months. When it returned, it was nothing new, yet it was much more powerful because I had learend it wasn't normal.

This is how I think when the bleakness of depression overtakes me. There is no escaping these feelings. I know, now that I"m on 120 mg of Cymbalta per day, that if these feelings overwhelm me again, I will end up in the hospital.

I'm sure many of these feeling will sound familiar to a lot of people here.

How did my life get to this point?
I'm never going to amount to anything.
Why can't I concentrate?
Why don't I want to do anything anymore?
Why do I get bored so easily?
What do my friends think of me?
Did I say the wrong thing?
Did I fail to say the right thing?
Will they still accept me?
I'm so paranoid.
When will it stop?
What do I have to look forward to?
Why should I even try?
What point is it to even go on living?
Who would notice if I was to die?
Would anyone care?
I messed up.
Everything is my fault.
How can anyone ever forgive me?
I'm such a screw-up.
I just want to eat.
I just want to sleep.
What else do I have to live for?
I hate myself.
I'm not worth being loved.
I just wish everyone would leave me alone.
I just want to die.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#194307 - 12/08/07 12:13 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: BJK]
rehpotsirhcs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/07
Posts: 204
I feel those too. Especially the last five.


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#194338 - 12/08/07 03:14 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: rehpotsirhcs]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Chris,

Is this something that you feel like you can talk to someone about? I know you've had some issues with your school counselor, but is there another counselor you could talk to? A teacher? Your mom? A local hotline?

The reason I ask is because it's not normal to feel this way, especially wanting to die. I've spent most of my life feeling that way, so I take that pretty seriously, okay?

I'm bjohn13 in chat, and in the time I've talked to you in the chatroom, I've really gotten to like you. I'd hate you see you get hurt.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#194359 - 12/08/07 08:47 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: BJK]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
last 6 is my normal>

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#194365 - 12/08/07 09:34 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: sabata]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I have been fighting depression most of my life. Bryan you put into words what I usually thought. My T asked me what goes through my mind and I could never seem to get it down on paper. I have thought all those things and felt that way for so long that when it stopped I didn't know how to deal with it. I had been convinced my depression was a chemical imbalance but none of the medications seemed to work. I had seriously considered shock treatment "electro convulsive therapy" is the new term. I also looked into VNS (vagus nerve stimulation) which is an implant.
Today I know my depression was from not dealing with my emotions about my childhood. Growing up in an alcoholic home where there was verbal abuse, then out of the home all the csa, the brainwashing, grooming, betrayal, anger, fear, guilt, shame, hate. These are the seeds of my depression and when I got honest with myself and my T the depression became very mild. On a scale of 1 -10 its been about 1-3 and thats pretty good since it used to be 8-10 all the time.

It's been about a month now that I started opening up and I was feeling great, no serious depression. Today I feel crappy, and I'm having a lot of negative talk going on in my head. I am on strong antibiotics and expectorant for a sinus infection, its day 4 on these meds. I hope its just the sinus infection and meds that is causing me to feel this way. I don't want to go back to the depression, I don't want to mentally crash and wind up back in the psych ward. Right now it seems all I can accomplish is posting to MS and I guess thats better than nothing at all.

Hold on Chris you are strong I believe in you and that you will be OK. Challenge your>
_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194375 - 12/08/07 10:22 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: GateKPR4]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

When we see ourselves falling into depression I think it's really important to seek and accept the help we need. That means medication in the first place, even if we don't like the idea. I know I hated the idea I was depressed enough I needed meds; it felt like yet another defeat. And sometimes it takes awhile to hit the combination that will work for you. But it's worth it! I was amazed at the difference the medication made.

Another thing that really helped me was to fight the temptation to isolate myself. It was an effort, but that too worked out in the end. Try to think of things you like to do and get out and do them. You don't have to try anything ambitious at first, but at least try to get yourself some things to do - creative things if you can.

And keep talking. That's yet another great thing about this site. No matter how bad we feel we can still come here and say whatever needs to come out, knowing we will be supported and understood.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194386 - 12/08/07 11:12 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: GateKPR4]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
Some of this symptoms apply to me too.

Brian,

It is good that you let us know about your pain. This alone is a help to you.

Depression must be addressed. Just thinking of it does not make life better.

It saddens me to know that ou already take meds and they don't help you so that you feel healed.

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#194504 - 12/08/07 08:55 PM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: alexey]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
I'm on meds that work really good most of the time. Lamictal is what I take for depression. I am sick and its kind of wearing me down. I did get out today and putter around the yard in the sun. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I am feeling better tonight than I was this morning.
Bryan there are other meds- they work different for everyone so its a hit and miss thing. I must have been through most of them before we found Lamictal worked best. Make sure you let the pdoc know its not doing the job.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194513 - 12/08/07 10:04 PM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: GateKPR4]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Rick,

It was doing its job quite well. In fact, the past couple of months, since I started taking it, have been the first experience I ever remember living without depression.

My pre>
_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#194516 - 12/08/07 10:27 PM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: BJK]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
Will take some time for the new dose to take effect too. change in dose is always a factor. Glad it is working for you. Probably give it another week before it gets established in your system.
I remember the dose changes for me were rough. I want it to work now but they don't work that way.
Most important thing is you are aware of the thoughts and feelings and know what to do with them. Glad you are working it out.
peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194517 - 12/08/07 10:30 PM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: GateKPR4]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i'm now on meds just so i can sleep
meds for depression would be like another slap in the face

how do you keep accepting more?


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#194534 - 12/09/07 05:39 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: MarkK]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
It was very difficult to accept at first, Mark. But then I learned what it was like to live without depression.

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#194548 - 12/09/07 08:19 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: GateKPR4]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6365
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I know that I've spent most of my life very depressed. That's rather sad...plus the fact that no adult ever looked into it.

Current day emotions are probably my best ever. I'm sure I can thank the meds for that. But I still deal with your original list of symptoms.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#194551 - 12/09/07 09:12 AM Re: The Symptoms of Depression [Re: Still]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
After my overdose I spent years off of meds. This was not a good thing because I self medicated with whatever I could get, mostly alcohol which is a depressant. I still thought of having to take meds to feel normal/good was a bad thing and did not want to live that way.
It took 3 years to get where I am today and for the most part I'm happy. I hope one day I will be able to get off meds but in the mean time its a vital part of my recovery. I have to learn new ways to deal with life. There is no shame in having to take meds its just the way it is.
Part of the reason I left my 12 step group was the guilt and shame that I felt because I was on meds. Its not in the program itself its the attitude of many of the people there who think taking any medication besides an aspirin is not being sober. This does not help when I already struggle with the fact I have to take them in the first place.
I feel 90% better about it now that I left the group and I'm working more with my therapist more often. My depression is not even close to what it was a month ago and I'm dealing better with life.
As you can tell by my long posts this has been an issue for a long long time. and I could write pages on it.
Do what you have to do to take care of yourself and don't feel less than anyone else because you have to take meds. there are millions of people who take them to survive, depression is no different.

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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