ok, am sick of this; don't like wallowing in selfpity but sometimes one just needs to i think - is the reason i don't like feeling pity for others is i think we should all feel for ourselves once in a while - then pick ourselves up and carry on, right?

so here goes - i'm challenging you all to share something that really makes you feel bad for yourself - honestly - really really bad - and then you can sob and weep and frown and sulk all you want - and we'll just have it for ourselves - NOT for our survivors - just to remind ourselves that our lives, while not necessarily that of a survivor of csa (tho i know some of you are that also!!) - matter, that we, too, have our own pain, and we, too, must learn to heal as well.

whataya say fnf?

of course i'll start off sharing first since i opened the thread:

during a recent posting exchange, i realized the 2 older brothers i grew up with, well, i just can't remember ever having been hugged is all. i do remember a lot of physical battering, and verbal abuse, and destruction of my personal property; but for the life of me, i swear, i don't think they ever hugged me; and yes, this has continued into adulthood, we don't really speak unless absolutely necessary. maybe once every 3-4 years?

ok, c'mon and let's see who can do better....

indy

oh more here - the price of admission is a very sad song; just share the title, or lyrics or whatever you can - your favorite sad song....

this one's mine:

http://www.indiana.edu/~jah/teaching/2004_03/sources/ex2_trouble.shtml

nobody knows the trouble i've seen

ok

indy

((((indygal))))I'm sorry for the pain you feel from your relationships with your brothers.

I'm afraid I am unable to join you right now for a pity party. There have been some great strides in a positive direction this week for me personally.

I've come to realize that I've been looking for others to fix things for me my entire life where the reality is, I am perfectly capable of doing all the fixing for myself. This is big Indy, really big.

I can not manage any pity at the moment but instead I am filled with an overpowering flood of self realizations.

Best wishes,
Cal_mom

sns - actually i managed a few chuckles at hearing that song over the web

things are going pretty well here too - even tho bf is having major panic attacks BUT at least i know why now and can handle it (more or less) i think because we are getting closer and he seems to be dealing with it better afterwards and we are doing very very well right now - just me - sometimes i regress too - like i said, sometimes we have to have our own healing to do

i think sometimes partners don't just forget about their own issues but let the survivor's issues take precedence just so they DON'T have to think about their own issues - that's so detrimental to a healthy relationship - but i do understand how easily that can happen

at any rate - it's not in my nature to stay sad for very long so there

indy

Hey!
I'll join! Don't remember much hugging going on in my family, either, BTW.
I sort of got acclimated to normalcy by friends and lovers throughout the years.

Do you remember the song from HeeHaw, "Doom Despair, and Agony on Me"?
Darn, I'm dating myself, but anyway, Here's a Punk rendition of that tune:

http://www.icompositions.com/music/song.php?sid=47647

(Wish I had the original, there were some really good piteous moans going on there...)

"Doom, despair, and agony on me.

Deep dark depression and excessive misery.

If it weren't for bad luck I'd have no luck at all.

Doom, despair and agony on me."

Happy Holidays, {{{{{FnF}}}}} !
Big E-Hugs going out to you all.
Celeste

\

yowza celeste - very rock on!

i don't recall the lyrics but many times have said the thing about luck - didn't know it was from a song -

also used to have a good one - about how there were so many knives in my back i set off metal detectors - !!

ok, am feeling a bit onery here so anyone else?

indy

Ok I am going to liven this pity party up and I hope you are all ready...First of all this was a great idea...cause I have so much pitty right now for myself anyhow..

I have really have nobody to talk to anyway really. "some pity here"

And I know most here would have a pretty good understanding of what has been going on and how I feel.

This year has been just so crap.

It has been a year now since I have been diagnosed with a condition that has no cure.. it is called psuedotumor ceribri..strange yes..anyhow this condtion is treatable and does seem to go away whenever it wants to...as for me it has been a year and I am still on meds.. some have it for a long time so I have prepared myself for that.

This easiest way for me to describe it is that your spinal fluid overproduces and this creates lots of pressure in the head...causeing papilledema, which is the swelling of the optic nerve...the reason this is not good is because if the optic nerve becomes to swollen it can burst and you could go blind..Another great and exciting thing I have been living with is pressure headaches...now there is no relief from these headaches but by having a lumbar puncture also known as a spinal tap...and let's just say I will do anything I have to "to not have those" but that is the only way to reduce fluid and release the pressure. I think I have lived with this condition for a very long time, however it has just gotten so bad to where I would have black outs and bouts of dizzieness. This condition makes you very tired...and effects everyday...I think it also contributes to depression.

Ok that said I lost my baby back in may do to this condition "so I believe" "more pity"
My optomoligist wanted to send me to a university for more testing, My nerologist wanted me to have a shunt put in my head...to reduce fluids. Well I have not done any of those,,,I am scared to death of that surgery,,,so I am waiting that out for a while to see if I can live and suffer just a little longer...So that also said I have days where I can't even get out of bed because of how much pain I am in. "more pity since i have kids i have to take care of and i want to play with..but this makes it very hard"

My husband is going through his recovery,,,and I have been by his side 100%. It has been really hard, but I have been pulling the weight as much as I can.....One thing that has gotten better but has always been bad...is he is very overly_protective/controlling and reclusive! "more pity"

Two weeks ago,,while on this site..."getting support and strength" I find out I am codependent...Now I know there are different kinds of codependency...

I took an online test and this is what it said about me
Although you are capable of taking care of yourself, you cannot do it consistently. Sometimes you place other people's interests and needs before your own, even to your own detriment. You want to be happy, but you also want others to be happy. In some cases, you will sacrifice your own happiness for the happiness of others. "more pity"

This does sound like me...but I never really realized it until now. One good thing is I see the same theripist as my husband does. I deal with so much stress, about just everything. I mentioned this to her...and she agreed. My theripist also thinks I suffer from ptsd...because of my childhood upbringing...

I grew up with 3 siblings...my parents were young party animals...they did drugs and drank,,,my dad would come home and would beat my mom "until bloody" infront of myself and my oldest sister... My dad critized(sp) us...mentally abused us"called us nothing but fleas" Basically in a nut shell we were abandoned to find our own way...to find our views in life...I think I became codependent because that was how I was able to survive

My parents never took the time to get to know me...they never really even cared...they were not very encourageing....and they never commended us...They were nothing but negative....so I became this person that always tried to please them...even though I never was told that I was a good person,,or told I did a good job...I always did whatever I could to please them...even if I had to sacrafice something great for myself....Well I did sacrafice somthing......My childhood....now in adulthood I look back and even as a teenager things never changed with them...I grew up following all the rules and it still never mattered.....and I really do not give them the credit...I am going to keep that for myself..after all I did all the work.."more pity" Now as an adult things still have not changed...my parents don't have much to do with me, they don't call, stop by...."might i remind you I have never done anything wrong" they are just majorly messed up or something..So really it is as if I never had parents "more pity"

Glad to say I took a nice long 569 question test this week with my theripist...can't wait to see how bad off I am LoL "more pity"

I am trying to start healing with my inner child "she is 5 so I have learned"

So here is my sad song I want to share

This is my song as an adult standing with my inner child..."for my parents" it reached inside me when I listened to it and it made me cry

With my husband going through what he is..he is not able to be much support..and I understand..but I have never felt so alone in my life...these memorys that just come out of nowhere now...just sucks...but I know I have to deal with them...

I guess I don't know if I have really ever felt loved and apreciated. "more pity"


I want you to read the lyrics first then click the link at the end and listen to it

I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when Im older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
I through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
Cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

Im gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
Ive got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life theres been heartache and pain
I dont know if I can face it again
I cant stop now, Ive traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Lets talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and Im feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

I wanna know what love is, lets talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9OGfBGOCpk&feature=PlayList&p=C1EB8CC4C028D456&index=7

Great song Amanda, one of my favorites.

Another of my favorites is "So caught up in you", 38 special. Hope all your men get so caught up in you, but remember the second line "don't you know the kind of man I am", we need you to know that, then we will get so caught up in you.

Love ya "little girl's", thank you for you.

Mike

ok amanda, me thinks you are the queen bee of the pity party right now both for your situation and that absolutely AWESOME song you shared with us - let's see if anyone can upset your throne

also hon - i DO hope things look up for you - soon - ok?

all the best,
indy

Thanks indy... I do have my good days...but the dark clouds still have not cleared...today was a ruff day...last night my husband met with his abuser his brother....they talked it went very well...however today my husband is flooded with emotions.

Got another song to share ....last week I played this for my husband and he cried.....It has been so hard...we have two kids and we both have been emotional recks..him crying going through his emotions...and me morning for my inner child...with memories just flooding my mind.... nothing I have said has reached him...so I thought maybe if I gave this song to him...for how I feel about what we are going through right now...about how we both have to deal with our issues ourself.....and how I feel I do put him "at the end of the line" but I am not doing it because I don't care...

So I still feel so bad because I feel I can't be there for him like I want...I am hear but...seems I can never do enough for him...

So this is for my husband...my lover...my friend...I am so sorry for the pain you feel today.....I am sorry I am going through this in my life right now as well....This is a war...and we win battles everyday.....but I won't give up on you..."I believe in you...you can do this"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYJwTAYNzxM

Amanda: What a beautiful song. Its strange how sometimes a song can help us say what we want - somtimes better. Music just seems to penetrate the heart a little differently.

Indy: I would be lying to say I dont have my own pity parties.. and by no means could mine dethrone Amanda's (((Amanda)))
But! I can offer my Pity song. Sometimes this song helps me gush out the tears a little better. Surely It reminds me that I can hurt too, and that is perfectly - just as long as I hold on.

R.E.M. -Everybody Hurts
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=91euxMQ0Zyg

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone


SongofJude

how doyou guys do that link thing????????????????iwould like to share a song that really hits it for me----------------steve

sabata,if you use u tube at the right it says more click on that it will bring up the url copy and paste it from there to here evan

Jude....thanks so much.... for sharing that song...I love that song...that is a good pity song! Just perfect.

I would like to share this song....makes me think of all survivors/ abused / crime / and all the the crap in this world.

I think you all will like it....very much. I know I do.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIDRqIWdE_A

Amanda, the song you posted made me teary eyed. Its hard for me to watch the news or read the paper for those very reasons... But I liked the song very much. I actually never heard it before until today. Thank you for sharing it.

SongofJude

not fair really girls, but if you can put on those wings. You are our angel's. You're men are waiting for a miracle. Think of how it will be if you can give them that.

Mike