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#194204 - 12/07/07 06:50 AM Time to deal with things!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Posting my experiences here and getting people's responses has made me think.

I'm sick of feeling terrified the instant someone I like even touches me on the wrist, I'm sick of beeing blooody jealous everytime I see teenaged lovers, I'm sick of certain words scaring me. I do not want these blasted experiences from my teenaged years to rule my life, i want to experience love in all it's forms without feeling terrified. I'm sick of feeling worthless, and always having to be in control because I'm too worried about putting my imotional problems on other people, and whenever I do become imotional myself, I'm sick of worrying what others think, and wondering if they'll distancethemselves from me because of that, even as they try to help. #

I've never told any of my experiences to the people close to me, for two reasons. firstly, i've been worried about hurting them and making them feel awful, and secondly, I've been worried that if I become too imotional, while tey'll continue to help me out, ----- they'll stop thinking of me as a friend in the same way, and withdraw a bit, ---- which is wat I do wen people with hugely immotional isues come to me for help (which seems to happen a lot).

One friend of mine is a lady who's a qualified Rogerian counseler, and while I've never gone into details, I have admitted to her that something happened to me in secondary school. she's never asked about it, but in a recent conversation, she recommended I should try telling a friend.

So, the other night i was feeling really upset, and wanted some practical advice on how to deal with these things. I went through my five closest friends, discounted the ones I thought would get too upset, and the ones who couldn't understand.

I was left with my closest mail friend, who is probably the most similar person I know to myself, accept that he obviously does not have the same issues I do, and he is perenially cheerful, and genuinely doesn't get bothered by anything.

I've intimated to him threee or four times in the last 7 years that something happened to me. so, the other night, I phoned him and frankly told him that I wanted to discuss stuff, and asked him what he thought. He started off by saying he'd known me for 7 years and nothing I could say would really change his opinion of me. Also, with respect to me being too imotionally bothered and him distancing himself, he said tthat actually he thought I was hugely immotionally independent! which was nice.

Over the next couple of ours, I rather coldly told him everyting that happened, ---- I actually remembered a lot more than I wrote down in the "my story" thread, and he gave me a few really fantastic ieces of advice. Being as we are fairly close friends, I could also talk in symbols and experiences that meant something to both of us, wich helped me get things out.

My friend's perspective on things was hugely helpful, and I've now changed my views on various matters.

Also, I've resolved to deal with things, ---- including my various fears, and in a couple of months, when the production I'm in has finished, I'm going to find a physical therapist to help me work with the contact stuff.

I also would like to get around some of my other blocks, ---- such as my problem with saying the S word, and associated things, which I'll be thinking about. Even last night thoug at rehearsals, my director asked me to say a certain line ---- fl--taciously, ---- which I had trouble with, ---- both in terms of feeling very bothered, by it, and because I physically have no idea how to even begin with something like that, ---- even if i wanted to.

Anyway, that's my rambling for this morning done, ---- actually, I'm feeling a lot better about things now.

Appologies for the really long and verbose post here, it just helps me to get these resolutions streight in my mind, and remind myself what I'm trying to do.



Edited by dark empathy (12/07/07 07:03 AM)

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#194210 - 12/07/07 08:49 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
glad you got that out-------------------hope it helps----------------------i can relate to your begining of this post-------------------------------steve


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#194214 - 12/07/07 09:16 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6540
Loc: Never Sugar Mountain
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I'm sick of feeling terrified the instant someone I like even touches me on the wrist, I'm sick of beeing blooody jealous everytime I see teenaged lovers, I'm sick of certain words scaring me. I do not want these blasted experiences from my teenaged years to rule my life, i want to experience love in all it's forms without feeling terrified. I'm sick of feeling worthless, and always having to be in control because I'm too worried about putting my imotional problems on other people, and whenever I do become imotional myself, I'm sick of worrying what others think...


DE,

This text above reads a LOT like "determination" to me. Determination seems to be what got a lot of us through hell as kids/teens. Determination is about all I have going for me right now with regard to personal power...and it seems to be enough to keep me moving forward.

_________________________
Stop expecting people to be other than what they are! You'll be so much better-off. [Christopher, age 10]

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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#194232 - 12/07/07 11:08 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: Still]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
dark empathy,

That's a hugely important step you have taken by disclosing to your friend, and it's great it worked out so well for you. Talking like that shows us we don't have to stay shut up any longer; we can speak out, ask for the help we need, tell our stories, and reclaim our lives.

And the strength comes from within - it always does. Rob calls it determination, which is good, but how about if we take a further step and admit that we are also being courageous?

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194250 - 12/07/07 03:13 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: roadrunner]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
DE,
Determination is a good thing, however don't expect for the process to be quick. Your not going to be all better in a few months or even a year. Recovery is a long process and sometimes can be frustrating but it is worth it. You know what the alternative is and its clear thats not what you want.

Get yourself a good therapist and stick around here for some advice from people who know what your going thru.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#194253 - 12/07/07 04:07 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: onlyakid]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
DE
The hardest part for me was to find the right person to tell. I kept my CSA a secret for almost 50 years b/4 I broke my silence a few months ago. What a giant step that was. Now I am in a group therapy class and also am seeing a T.

Like Jason said above, I know the healing process will take a long time, but so far it has been so worth the work involved. I just hope I continue to have the determination to continue, especially when I become weak and want to Pack It In.

Wish you the best

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#194256 - 12/07/07 04:53 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: KENKEN]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Appologies for tthe lack of grama in my last post, my keyboard isn't working precisely well, ----- particularly at the speed I typed that post.

Thanks for the encouragement people, ---- I suppose determination is in fact the right term. For years I've generally thought I was fine, ----- okay, I knew I had several hang ups, but I always thought "I know where they are, and what causes them, ---- there's no point worrying"

i've occasionally had bad days, ---- I remember two years ago watching a teen romance episode of Star trek Tng, and screaming an expletive at Wesley crusher when she kissed him. But these have very much been the exception, and apart from whenever I fall for someone (generally once a year), I've had several really good times, and made a lot of friends, ---- several incredibly good friends.

A couple of weeks ago I got quite a major shock though, and i've now resolved to get around this.

I know my inhibitions will take some time to fix.

Finding the righ person is indeed a pest. As I said, I don't want to hurt other people with my issues, ---- or have my friends distance themselves from me.

this particular friend though, is one of the very few people who I've vaguely intimated that my issues with things like saying the S word have reasons behind them. In fact, on one occasion, after i got incredibly angry with a feminist lecturer who gave us a lecture on certain ethical issues which insisted that women were only ever victims in specific sorts of abuse, and most men were actually potential abusers themselves, I came very close to telling him then.

Surprisingly though, he actually came out with a lot of helpful suggestions, wic made me feel better about such things. Also, ---- from philosophical disagreements we've had in the past, he's someone I know to have very good and useful opinions. In fact, he even considdered that some of my opinions on certain things come from those experiences.

Oh, and about the courageous thing, you've put me in a bit of a dilemma. It is a term I would use to describe anyone else on this forum given what people have been through.

I certainly am not though, not with the amount of fear I tend to feel everytime I go near certain things.

I ope you work out the personal power isues Rob. I very much appreciate that sort of thing, ---- both because of what happened to me at secondary school, and being visually impared, that sort of thing happens a lot, particularly as before I went to said secondary school, i spent two years at a semi boarding special school, which very much encouraged Vi people to be dependent and helpeless. In fact the only very strong prejudice I'm certain I have is towards blind people.



Edited by dark empathy (12/07/07 07:41 PM)

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#194275 - 12/07/07 08:26 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
GateKPR4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/28/07
Posts: 955
Loc: North Carolina, USA
DE you took a big step by disclosing. Congrats on that. I'm sure it has been quite a burden released from you. Thanks for sharing your feelings and experience as it helps all of us working on this. I found that after disclosing that I felt much better and had less negative emotion taking over. I hope you find the same experience.
Peace
Rick

_________________________
I'm a normal person dealing with abnormal experiences.
The greatest discoveries we will find within ourselves.
Ricky
__m_τΏτ_m__
|| || || || || || |

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#194310 - 12/08/07 01:02 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: GateKPR4]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
thanks rick. I'd be proud if I could help someone out here, but with this I'm feeling really out of my league, wich is wy I haven't replied much to other people's threads.

Usually, people tend to come to me with problems, ---- last week for example several members of our corus were unhappy with the way music rehearsals were going, and I got asked to go to our music director and tactfully mention these things to her (which I subsequently did). In fact even in internet terms, my posts here read so differently from my posts in other places, it's almost as if I'm a different person.

I have indeed felt loads better sinse talking to my friend, but as I was on a bit of a low point before, this isn't saying much. I'm not sure how my resolutions will hold up to te next real test.


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#194371 - 12/08/07 10:02 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
DE,

I've been reading your thread with interest, and I'm glad that you are taking steps that will certainly be beneficial for you. However, there are two things that I'd like to point out;

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
Oh, and about the courageous thing, you've put me in a bit of a dilemma. It is a term I would use to describe anyone else on this forum given what people have been through.

I certainly am not though, not with the amount of fear I tend to feel everytime I go near certain things.


I have to disagree with you here. Courage is not the absence of fear, it is facing our fears and still doing the right thing. If we weren't afraid, even the most heroic act wouldn't be courageous at all, but just another task. I'm sure you were aprehensive about confronting your Director, yet you did it anyway. That takes courage, which obviously some of your choir-mates lack, but not you. How is it that everyone else here can be courageous except you? Your rationale in this regard is flawed, in my opinion.

Also,

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
In fact the only very strong prejudice I'm certain I have is towards blind people.


I find that very curious. Normally, I'd think that you would be empathetic toward VI people. Is your prejudice based on the fact that you know VI people well and you think they are all inherantly flawed in some way? What does that say about how you feel about yourself?

You see where I'm going with this? I think you should give yourself the credit you deserve instead of always minimizing or berating yourself.

IMHO

Lazarus

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

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#194373 - 12/08/07 10:15 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
DE,

This is a hugely important observation:

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
Oh, and about the courageous thing, you've put me in a bit of a dilemma. It is a term I would use to describe anyone else on this forum given what people have been through.

I certainly am not though, not with the amount of fear I tend to feel everytime I go near certain things.


A brave man often still feels fear; but he goes ahead and acts despite his fear, and this is what you have been doing.

But what's really important here is the way you acknowledge the courage of everyone here but yourself. We all do that in some way or another: everyone but me is innocent, everyone but me is worthwhile and special, etc.

What's going on here is that our bad feelings from abuse are almost all bad feelings about ourselves. For example, I can easily look at you, Laz, Rob, and the others and see a million positive things about you guys - those things are there...they're real! And I'm not prevented from seeing them by my bad feelings, since MY bad feelings aren't about YOU guys...they're about ME. It's only when I look at myself that my ability to see and understand gets messed up.

That's one of the real challenges we face in our recovery: to accept the fact that we really are as special, interesting, important and worthwhile as all the other thousands of guys who come here.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194401 - 12/08/07 12:12 PM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: dark empathy]
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
DE,

I am glad you could share with your best friend. It is a huge step forward, if yo feel like this.

For survivors it is very important to get slowly out of their shell and try something new and safe. Finding a good T who wilhelp you both physically open up and strengthen emotionally to face your issues and fears is also a great help to you.

It is a happy thought to me to know that after interracting with guys at MS you have moved so far. )

Alexey

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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#194943 - 12/12/07 08:11 AM Re: Time to deal with things! [Re: alexey]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2024
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Alixey, Laz and co, appologies for the late reply, i had to dash home for a bit, and didn't take my laptop.

The idea that I need a Therapist is something I've been finding hard to accept. I went through four years of fairly major depression and other stuff while doing my A-levels and in the first year of uni. Sinse then though I've been thinking "I'm fine, okay, i know these things happened to me, I know their effects, i know exactly ow they make me feel, I can live with that" and I've tried to concentrate on getting on with other things. Admittedly I've ad a few bad days, but doesn't everyone? And anyway, I ave no business going to pieces for no reason, and throwing my problems on other people. It wasn't until very recently I suddenly discovered I wasn't as fine as I thought I was. I am finding te idea that I need to speak to a professional slightly ddifficult, but on the other hand, I do want to deal with things.

About the courage business, well it's just not a word I'd use about myself. I'm very used (ad slightly proud), of thinking tat I am a fairly immotional and compassionate person. I understand completely what people say about courage, but it's just not something that I'd think of in terms of myself. Independence, or determination is about as far as I'd go.

Interestingly enough, the other day I was discussing a test I took online to determine my dungeions and dragons character stats with a friend of mine. I thought they were pretty accurate, particularly the below average charisma, (the stat dealing with both physical appearence and force of personality and will), where as my friend was insistant my charisma should be much higher.

As for the Vi people thing, I can see where your going with this Laz, but it's more a matter of evaluation than anything I think about myself. A long time ago I decided that I was me, myself, and all facts such as being male, being Vi, being five foot nine, where contingent to my identity, not necessary to it. To put this slightly less academically, they are merely facts about me with varying levels of significance, rater tan ways I define or think of myself, my viewpoints, my thoughts or anything else. In fact I become quite offended if people attempt to catagorize me in any way. I'm not saying these facts are not true, or trying to defy them, I'm only saying they are part of me, not me part of them. this is sort of the opposite to the extreme feminist idea that there is a one specific male, and one specific female point of view, wich belong solely to men and women (but if we get onto gender issues this post will become very! long).

anyway, as far as Vi people go, my objections are far more involved with cleaquey type life styl, only associating with other Vi people, and other issues to do with dependence on others, ---- often when unnecessary. To take one example, I am fairly heavily involved with certain movements to make computer games accessible to vi and blind people, (I'm a news poster for http://www.augiogames.net for example). Several people on that forum argued that the recent Wii sports games were highly accessible to people playing without vision sinse tey involve swinging the wii controller around in motions that may be learnt. I noted however, that it is absolutely impossible to play the wii games without someone to completely load up the game, and read the appropriate score and results of the game and thus they are totally inaccessible without assistance. I recieved the reply tat there should always be someone there to provide assistance.

this is the sort of atitude I don't like, the atitude of Vi people as a descrete group, charactorized by visual problems, and at the same time completely unwilling to relinquish help from others where possible. I'm not saying help is always a bad thing, there are situations where it's necessary, but quite a bit of the time it isn't, especially if the person involved is willing to learn a litle, ---- particularly in matters like mobility and domestic stuff.

apologies for the long wrant, my Phd is actually on disability, so these are issues I've been considdering quite a bit at the moment.


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