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#194096 - 12/06/07 02:05 PM Short little bilp....
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Hi. My name is Andy. I'm a victim of sexual abuse.

My dad was my abuser...I think it happened before I could even talk until I was about 10. At least my T thinks it happened that early. I sure feel like it did too.

I don't know if I feel as angry as most people do at their perps...sometimes I feel weird and bad about that...like I SHOULD be angry, like that's what NORMAL survivors should think...but...

I mean I'm a messed up cookie too, and I'm sure dad was just another link in the chain, so I can't very well be mad at him for being messed up in the head. I'm not the picture of sanity either. I wish he hadn't have touched me and stuff but...yeah. He did and I can't go crazy being mad anymore.

I felt angry a lot in the past; especially in my teenage years (I'm 26 now). Being angry really hurt me and caused me a lot of grief, even today. He never felt bad because of my anger; he never caved to the pressure. No, it just ate ME up. I could've been a lot more successful had I not wasted so much time "expressing" my anger. But I was a kid...who didn't think in the future.

So now I'm just indifferent to the man. When I see him at family things I'm friendly, but distanced. When he calls/e-mails I write back. I feel bad sometimes that we can't have a relationship as adults. As much as he hurt me as a kid, there WERE good times too; and I really do look fondly on those times when he wasn't abusing me, and miss them. But I've really left the ball in his court. It's on him to get the help and confidence to have a relationship with me. He vanished when I was 10 and since then it's been in and out. 16 years. I don't even KNOW him anymore.

I wish I could've been 10 WITHOUT baggage. \:\( By then I was pretty whacked out. Finally getting myself together though...16 years later. I'd say half way up the hill. \:\)

Thanks for listening.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194101 - 12/06/07 02:55 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
frost Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/15/07
Posts: 1377
Loc: Eh?
Hi Andy,

There is a slight possibility that the anger is down there somewhere inside of Andy. It might just be that its been somehow hidden from you to keep you safe. The mind does curious things with some feelings.

It's alright though, One doesn't have to be on a war path to heal. Healing is about what is happening inside of you. Have a look at a thread that went on a short time ago about Feelings Towards Our Perpetrators. Or perhaps more appropriately titled, "Feelings Towards Those That Harmed Us". Something that came up in that thread is that it can be difficult for some of us to even call our abusers, "Perpetrators". As you say, there were good times too.

I think you're very very right in that your father is undoubtedly a man with a great deal of baggage of his own. As you will often hear, it's still no excuse for what he did to you which from the sounds of your post, you're well aware of. It would be the best case scenario for him to seek help for his 'stuff'. I think he is a truly blessed man to have a son who is still willing to keep in touch with him. You sound like you have such a strength and maturity... Maybe some day it will make an impact on your father, another 'link in the chain' as you called it.

Kudos to you for getting yourself together. That's what I'm doing right now as well, at 26. It took me 10 years to start the journey... and I have to say its a much better hike up this hill when I look to my left and I look to my right and I see hundreds of men walking up the same hill, each with their own circumstances, and each with their own understanding of my situation because of what they've been through.

Thanks for your post \:\)
~Brian

_________________________
Boom!

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#194112 - 12/06/07 04:05 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: frost]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Thank you for your kind words. \:\) I don't think I'm overly mature. In fact, a lot of the time, I still feel like a kid. \:\( I feel stuck there, but in an adult body. Sort of like Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes:" a kid, with adult intellect.

I don't think my anger is hidden. I think it's been out in the open too much actually. I spent so much time being angry that it really defined me. It was who I was. I was The Broken Boy. I don't know.

I don't want that title anymore.

You're right. Seeing others walk up with me rules. \:\)

Anyway, I will check out that thread you recommended. Thanks so much again! \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194114 - 12/06/07 04:12 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: frost]
dannym Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/24/07
Posts: 543
Loc: Boulder, Colorado
Andy... wow! I have had the same problem. I am unable to be angry at my abuser (an older friend). Sometimes I am able to get angry at his actions... but I can't seem to feel angry AT him. What you said really hit me...."that's what NORMAL survivors should think" -

First of all, what is a normal survivor? I'm not trying to be provocative, it's a real question.... I have always felt like survivors are as diverse as any group of people... but when I read your words, I realized that I feel like I don't fit in with survivors either... like I'm almost like them, but different - wonder if that's common?

Second, I wonder how many other survivors have trouble directing anger at their perps... I think Brian has a good point that the anger may be repressed for good reasons, but how many guys have the same situation?

Don't mean to hijack your thread, but your statement really got my mind going... plus it's much more interesng than the billing paperwork i am SUPPOSED to be doing right now... I better not get caught, my boss is a real asshole!!

Dan

PS... I'm self-employed! \:\)

_________________________
"You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head."

Marge Simpson

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#194116 - 12/06/07 04:31 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: dannym]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Dan,

No, please, discuss...that's the purpose. \:\)

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#194127 - 12/06/07 05:40 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: AndyJB2005]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Andy,

As you can see from the above, no one here will try to push you in one way or another about how you feel towards your father. I'm glad you can separate the abuse from the good times you had; that will help you a lot.

But at the end of the day he has to make an effort too. You, after all, are the victim. None of what happened was your doing or your fault. With his attitude the way it is, how could you know him? He has a lot of work to do on himself, and then even more to do to repair his relationship with you - assuming that there's anything to repair.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#194172 - 12/06/07 10:30 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: roadrunner]
mvnforwrd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 216
Loc: NJ
Andy,
I thought I was the onlyone that felt no anger towards my abuser allthough I have been angry with god(why me?etc...) But yet I am in the first stages very first stages of recovery. I dont know how you can be in the same room or area at family things. allthough my abuser is not a direct family member. 24 hrs since I have been on MS I have realized somany simularities survivors have. mvnforwrd

_________________________
Take your foot out of yesterday and your other foot out of tomorro or you will keep pissing allover today!

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#194183 - 12/06/07 11:56 PM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: mvnforwrd]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Andy,

When I first learned of my abuse by my mother, I thought she did it in a loving way. I thought she did it because she loved me. Hell, it took 32 years before I even realized it was abuse.

One Friday night a few months back, I was reading a post by another member that discussed something similar to an experience I had as a child. It filled me with anger. How could an adult do something like that to a kid?

And that filled me with rage towards my mother. Within hours after reading that post, I came to the realization that my mother never truly loved me.

That was hard, dude. I honestly don't think I knew what love was back then, but what I thought was love was what I felt for my mother...and she was the only person in my life about whom I had ever felt that before. I've come to realize it was more of a co-dependency than love, and I've since become aware that I don't have any positive feelings towards her at all anymore.

My life is pretty fucked up right now, and it's mostly her fault. Even so, I don't feel any anger towards her. Not in the slightest. However, it will probably be years before I can truly bring myself to forgive her.

If ever.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#194215 - 12/07/07 09:31 AM Re: Short little bilp.... [Re: frost]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6375
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: frost
...I think he is a truly blessed man to have a son who is still willing to keep in touch with him. You sound like you have such a strength and maturity...


I second that!!!!

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