I've been in therapy for over 3 years now and lately i decided i need to start doing alot more work on the sexual abuse by my mother.

My therapist thinks it's a good idea because she thinks i'm ready(i feel as though i am ) therefore i find myself consumed with anger and consumed with hurt and confusion and as a result i've been acting out alot.

How do i do the pain work on the abuse by my mother and maintain some for of balance with my fiancee.

Is there ever going to be a day when i'll be able to put it all behind me and move on with my life

Is there a chance i can actually fogive her

Am i expecting to much to think i can/will forgive her

I acted out the anger,literally, about 7 months ago i went to her grave on mothers day and pissed right on her name and i have no regrets whatsoever for doing this.Aboout a month ago i went into a rage blacked out and went to her grave(by the way the cemetary is about 30 minutes from my home)and smashed it with a sledgehammer and knocked it off it's foundation.

I absolutely know within my heart i need to forgive her,not condone the behavior,to live a life i know will fall apart if i dont do the work.

Who can ever forgive someone so close to "oneself" as a child who betrays their trust to such a level that they've been screwed up most of theur life.

Anyway i'm going to my therapy today at 3pm and although i'd rather not, i am however in a relationship and my fiancee encourages me to do what is comfortable with me and no one else not even her.

Well who knows why i even vent about it , it's not like doing the work is going to relieve me of the pain i've had to deal with all my life therefore how can i expect to "change" if the willingness seems to be fading whereas before,early on in therapy,i would actually look forward to therapy.

Who knows , it is what it is and until the time is right for me to move on i will and not before and who knows if i will reoover and move on anyway.

Coop

Hello Coop...I'm glad that you've decided to go into therapy with this. Anger can be so destructive if mismanaged. I too have anger at my mother for doing a disappearing act during my abuse...I've worked hard on my recovery but forgiveness is hard to do when the hurt is deep. I believe that you started moving on with your life three years ago when you started therapy. Do you realize the courage it took to go to a stranger and talk about your issues? It takes time to heal...unfortunately...healing has it's own time...alot of it we don't even control...Keep up the good work...Day at a Time ....and best wishes to you and your fiancee....

I have had numerous amounts of replies from people who were supportive as a result of all the posts i have shared on here, you however said so much with few words and it means more to me then you can or will ever know.

I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart and although "abuse" in any form is precisely that "abuse" i just want to clarify that my mother sexually abused me in many ways up to and including forcing me to have intercourse with her at age 14.

The details are unimportant but i can tell you in the begining when i was brand new and filled with fear and shame surrounding therapy i knew it right down to my core either i talk and deal with the horror with someone who knows what they are doing otherwise i know i definitely would have went insane.

You're amazing and unlike you i tend to ramble when i am passionate about something as i am with the trauma i faced as a child.

God bless you and always remember you are not alone and even when things get rough(and trust me they will) DO NOT GIVE UP because you will be essentially giving up on you and those days are over,you damn sure deserve to be happy) i wish you all the best in your process especially with EMDR...) ultimately you will be the only one who can thrive from the shit you(we) were subjected to through no fault of your own so many years ago.


Coopstah

Coop,

I was also abused by my mother. I have had some of these same issues, but now I am overcome by depression.

I hope things start to go better now that you are working on this directly. Anger can hide other emotions. So can fear and shame.

Bryan

Coop,

You had such a good post going then you found a way to dismiss the validity of what you're doing in one paragraph:



It's important for you to believe that healing IS possible and that you ARE worth it! It's okay that you've taken three years of therapy to get to this point... Mothers are supposed to be nurturing and are very responsible for a healthy upbringing of their children. Do you know how much of an impact what she did would have on you? It's incredible you're even alive and able to post here -- and you've shown such strength to do exactly that.

You've got a lot of work ahead. I once believed things would never change but you know what? Things *have* changed. It took me 10 years of sitting on it to finally start dealing with the sexual abuse. Now 11 months into dealing with abuse, I'm starting to have occasional 'good days' and you know, it's not much but I've got something to hang on to that has left me convinced that there IS a possibility for healing!

You are right about one thing, You'll never forget about the pain.. But think of it like an open bleeding wound. Its open and painful, easily infected and its causing you more harm the longer you don't deal with it. Once you begin to heal that wound, things will slowly stop getting worse and you will be on the mend. Eventually the wound will stop itching. Eventually the wound will be nothing more than a scar. That scar will always be there, but it won't bother you anymore.

I truly hope you too will start to find some peace soon in this journey. You are so worth it.

~Brian