You had such a good post going then you found a way to dismiss the validity of what you're doing in one paragraph:
Well who knows why i even vent about it , it's not like doing the work is going to relieve me of the pain i've had to deal with all my life therefore how can i expect to "change" if the willingness seems to be fading whereas before,early on in therapy,i would actually look forward to therapy.
It's important for you to believe that healing IS possible and that you ARE worth it! It's okay that you've taken three years of therapy to get to this point... Mothers are supposed to be nurturing and are very responsible for a healthy upbringing of their children. Do you know how much of an impact what she did would have on you? It's incredible you're even alive and able to post here -- and you've shown such strength to do exactly that.
You've got a lot of work ahead. I once believed things would never change but you know what? Things *have* changed. It took me 10 years of sitting on it to finally start dealing with the sexual abuse. Now 11 months into dealing with abuse, I'm starting to have occasional 'good days' and you know, it's not much but I've got something to hang on to that has left me convinced that there IS a possibility for healing!
You are right about one thing, You'll never forget about the pain.. But think of it like an open bleeding wound. Its open and painful, easily infected and its causing you more harm the longer you don't deal with it. Once you begin to heal that wound, things will slowly stop getting worse and you will be on the mend. Eventually the wound will stop itching. Eventually the wound will be nothing more than a scar. That scar will always be there, but it won't bother you anymore.
I truly hope you too will start to find some peace soon in this journey. You are so worth it.