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#193944 - 12/05/07 07:51 PM No Wind on a Darkened Sea
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I cannot wonder anymore about their eyes
About their mouths
Their lips
The wounds of a thousand years ago are yet too recent
Too open
To imagine more
I want to sit down where I am
Like a small child
And simply cry the cry of heartbreak
The cry a child cries, when he thinks his world is crushed beyond repair
I always get up after that
And trudge on
Like that same child
When I realize that crying will not make it better
But neither will the trudge, I fear
Just get me out from under feet that have no time for stepping over crying children
Or damaged men
I do not feel sorry for myself
Just a sudden emptiness
So easy to lose hope
When you cling to it so tentatively
I am exhausted really from saying the right things about it
From saying all the things I'm supposed to say
Thinking all the things I'm supposed to think
That doesn't make it better
Like now, it would be time to say that things will get better
It's just a down time
But will they?
Is it?
Yet I have no desire to sit in a darkened room and rock the day away
I'd like to be
To smile
So tired of hurting
So tired of trying not to hurt and feeling guilty when I do
And, then, not trusting how I feel
Not having any right to feel the way I feel
I feel like shit, okay?
Is that okay with you?
At least it's honest
At least I didn't say that everything's okay and smile
I do that quite a bit, when I feel like shit
It's what they need
But, I still feel like shit, I'm just smiling now
Shoot me another pill, will you?
I'm obviously a quart low on something
The mix is off
Long live the mix
I don't feel, I brew
Down?
Add another this or that.
That'll fix it.
Couldn't be your daddy stuck his finger up your ass a night or two.
Take twenty-two of these and call me in about a month or two
I'm down
I'll get over it
I always do
But, oh, this hurts, you know?
Like a dark wind came along and sucked everything out of you that mattered
And left your shell on a sidewalk
And no one ever came for you again.

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#195186 - 12/14/07 06:37 AM Re: No Wind on a Darkened Sea [Re: Bobby]
dancr6 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/07
Posts: 383
Loc: georgia
Bobby'
I remember feeling as if I just didn't have, or even want to have, the desire to put out any more effort. I'm posting a poem that I wrote about the feeling your poem brings up in me. Thank You. It's called THE SECRET and I'm going to post it know.

_________________________
I'm a freeman now, his authority's dead
no pain monger lies in my comfortable bed!

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#195345 - 12/15/07 09:07 AM Re: No Wind on a Darkened Sea [Re: Bobby]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Bobby,

Originally Posted By: Bobby
But, oh, this hurts, you know?
Like a dark wind came along and sucked everything out of you that mattered
And left your shell on a sidewalk
And no one ever came for you again.


The idea of the "shell" reminds me of something I wrote in the survivor story I worked on for a long time in therapy:

Quote:
It was like my body really didnít belong to me any more; I felt like a dirty empty shell and it seemed like my body was listening to him and not to me. ... No part of me was private and no tears made any difference. I felt so dirty, violated and worthless all the time. How could I be worth anything if I didnít even have a body that belonged to me and did what I wanted?


I guess it shows that an abuser can even claim a boy's sense of of his own humanity. Taking that back was a huge step for me and I'm not sure I could explain it. It was another one of those impossible things that, like so many others, proved to be not so impossible after all. Perhaps all I did was realize that it was never really gone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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