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#193868 - 12/05/07 02:57 AM [Triggers] New here, looking for advice
Sunrise Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 2
Hi, I've been reading the boards for a little while now and thinking about registering and posting. I guess I finally got the guts to do it.

I wish so badly that I didn't need to be here. My bf recently told me about being abused by an adult man when he was 12 or 13, and I am having a very difficult time dealing with this.

I have known my bf for more than 12 years, and we've had feelings for eachother right from the beginning, but we have only just begun a relationship together. I'm 23, he's 25, and I have 2 kids from a previous relationship.

I basically grew up with my bf, he has been my brother's best friend since the age of 12. He would be at our house all the time, and was like a member of the family. At one point, my mom was dating a man that she knew from high school, and she decided to let him move in with us. I knew early on that he was not a nice guy, and I would tell her every chance I got. Nobody listened to me, even when I found pornography in the bathroom of young naked boys with skateboards. Eventually this man became violent towards my brother, we called the police, and never heard from him again.

Until now, I figured that we had managed to survive that scary period unscathed. Then, a couple weeks ago, my bf told me that he had been abused by this man while spending the night in my brother's room. I couldn't believe the emotions I felt at that moment. I cried and hugged him for a long time, and tried to tell him how sorry I was that it happened to him.

I feel responsible because I knew he was a bad person and didn't manage to get anyone's attention. I feel angry at my mother for putting us in that kind of danger. I feel so deeply saddened that the love of my life had to endure what he did. I feel scared that that man is still out there, and has possibly done the same to other boys. I feel terrified that something like that could happen to my children.

I'm sorry for rambling on here, but I really need some advice on how to deal with this. I don't know how to talk to him about it. I don't want to bring it up with him because he seems to have gotten past it very well. I feel like talking about my feelings on his abuse would be selfish, and that he shouldn't have to deal with my emotions after he's already dealt with his. I think talking to people with more understanding of this kind of situation will help me a great deal.

thanks in advance for any responses.


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#193889 - 12/05/07 09:57 AM Re: [Triggers] New here, looking for advice [Re: Sunrise]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Sunrise:

Hi. When you said: "I feel responsible because I knew he was a bad person and didn't manage to get anyone's attention. I feel angry at my mother for putting us in that kind of danger. I feel so deeply saddened that the love of my life had to endure what he did. I feel scared that that man is still out there, and has possibly done the same to other boys. I feel terrified that something like that could happen to my children."

It is all so blasted difficult, yes? The thing is Sunrise, there is not much that can be done about the past. This man that your mom had a relationship with, was bad news...he physically abused your brother and s/abused your bf. (brother's friend) I can feel the pain in your words and I am sorry what for how this creep hurt innocent children. Go easy on yourself, Sunrise. You were ten years old at the time, right? You were just a kid as well.

I truly wish there was some way to go back and undo this, but there is not. The best any of us can do is move forward and work through such complicated feelings.

The sad reality is that this perp probably has a long line of others that he has harmed along the way...and that he could still be possibly victimizing present day. The person that could report him would be your bf, BUT that would have to be a very long and tough decision that would be his call. There is a LOT to consider surrounding such a decision. There are many postings on male survivor that may be of some help regarding this issue...and maybe some of the survivors here could offer you better advice on that issue.

Have you considered seeing a therapist in order to help you cope at this time? I know it has helped me see things in a more objective perspective.

While my husband was in his twenties, he seemed to be a "happy-go-lucky" sort of guy. His early thirties were still rather good years but something shifted within him as he approached middle age...the issues from csa began to surface. Although your bf has disclosed to you and this is VERY positive that he trusted you enough to talk about something so painful, it may or may not truly be behind him. The healing is an individual thing and although he seems well adjusted now, it may come back later to disrupt his life. (or it may not...)

May I recommend some of the books offered through this site: "Victim's NO Longer," and "If the man You Love was Abused." It is important to gain as much information and understanding that one possibly can and these books are a great place to begin.

My thoughts are with you during this difficult time.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#193894 - 12/05/07 11:23 AM Re: [Triggers] New here, looking for advice [Re: Sunrise]
thesun3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/06/07
Posts: 49
Hello Sunrise! I'm sorry that you and your bf were victimized by that perp. As I read your post I realized... that you were also just a child when this happened. It must have been terrible kowing what you did and nobody listened to you. Unfortunately, children are often ignored when it comes to sexual abuse. Its not your fault. You were just a little girl. I can only say....I'm glad you posted and we are here for you and your bf. Welcome.

_________________________
In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.
Camus

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#193914 - 12/05/07 02:07 PM Re: [Triggers] New here, looking for advice [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Sunrise Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 2
sweet-n-sour: thanks so much for responding. It is very difficult, I didn't know I could be so upset on someone's behalf. I also have something to add, I spoke to my mom about this, and discovered that my brother had also been molested by him. My brother told my mom about it when he was still in his teens, and she did not take any action. I am so disappointed in her, and don't know how to feel towards her anymore.

Do you have any advice on pressing charges on this man? Is there a statute of limitations on this? How should I go about talking about that with my bf? He did say that he would consider it, but was afraid of the logistics of it. (whether he would have to hire a lawyer or other things that might cost money)

I would love to see a therapist about it, but I don't think there is any way that I could afford it.

thanks for the book suggestions, I'll definitely take a look at them.



thesun3: thanks for the support, I'm glad there are people here that can help me understand the situation we're now in.


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