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#188187 - 10/21/07 06:41 AM Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame
dwchan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/05
Posts: 11
Loc: Vancouver, BC
You mention the "M" word and people act all weird on you. It's not that other men don't do it, but they are just not comfortable talking about it... perhaps that's why people use humors to hide something that's so real and painful (especially to those of us who have been abused). Not being able to socially discuss this openly it makes us feel all the more isolated and alone in our fight to recovery. I am thankful that I am able to finally share my struggle with you all in this safe place. Being able to discuss about this makes me realize that I am not alone, which is often my struggle... that I am alone and no one understands me. It helps to know what others (especially fellow Christian men) go through. I value any comments that you may have to encourage me on the path of recovery. You may also PM me if you don't want to share your experience openly.

(Possible trigger) I struggle with the cycle of masturbation addiction and shame. I grew up in a Christian family, so masturbation was a no no. I am not saying that masturbation is good or evil, I am not in that realm. But I am saying that it does bring about lots of guilt because I realize that it is something of the flesh. In my case, I discovered masturbation by accident when I was in grade 5 or 6. And I never did it 'right' as I used to just hump against my pillow. Because of this, I never realized what it was that made 'the white stuff' (that's what I called it back then) came out. Even when a friend of mine masturbated with me a few times when I was in 9th grade, he told me that I wasn't doing it 'right'. But this all changed when my abuser did it to me when I was 17. He was a master in masturbation comparing to me. He knew just when to speed up and when to slow down to prolong the pleasure. He knew when to apply pressure and when to soften his strokes. Every time when he was masturbating me, I felt SO ashamed that I enjoyed it. Many times I would try my best not to ejaculate by thinking about homework or other things, but eventually I couldn't fight it anymore and would ejaculate. Of course I felt even more shameful every time that I enjoyed something that I considered to be 'wrong'. And every time when I ejaculated, he was very encouraging and said that he was very pleased that he was able to help me... if my load was bigger because I haven't ejaculated in a while, then he would get even more excited and was very vocal about it.

Eventually he started using his mouth on me, and it brought me to a whole new level of experience. I thought that this was disgusting at first, but then I liked it very much at the same time because it felt amazing and I would ejaculate even harder. Of course I felt even more ashamed afterwards. What was wrong with me? The worst part was that he would say that this was a sign that I really enjoyed what he was doing to me. He kept saying that it was normal for man to do this to each other and that this was his way of showing that he loved me... I realized through therapy that these were all lies!!! But unfortunately I didn't know this back then and I slowly began to believe him and let him do that to me on a regular basis. My moral standing began to change and I began to question if I was gay. And instead of fighting against it, I began to embrace it and felt that he really loved me because he would perform such an intimate act on me. This went on for the remainder of my high school years.

I never used to masturbate so much. But my addiction became apparent after the abuse. I used to do it a few times a week while I was in college, and sometimes even up to a few times a day. And sometimes I would do it in environments where I would risk being caught. For example, one time I masturbated through my underwear during a lecture with a few hundred students present... When I was still in therapy, my T said that perhaps I was crying out for help unconsciously. But what I struggle with the most now is that I still have a hard time ejaculating in front of my wife. I still associate ejaculation with shame so I wouldn not let her bring me to that point. And of course that leads me to masturbate secretly later on because I was stirred up and thus this led to even more shame!! We’ve been married for five years now and she knew about the abuse before we got married. We knew that it would not be easy, but we just did not expect that it would be so difficult for both of us. It seems that I have come to the hour of impossibility.

To be honest, I would still picture my abuser in my head or the act of what he did to me whenever I want to enjoy anything sexually. Many times, the thoughts (or sights) of other men ejaculating excites me. I hate this because I realize that this is my flesh; "for I know that in me, that is, in my flesh, nothing good dwells; for the will is present with me, but to work out the good is not (Rom. 7:18). But yet it seems that this picture is so deeply engrained into me that I cannot break out of it. I need your prayers. May the Lord show me that I am crucified with Him and it's no longer I who live (Gal. 2:20). May He keep me in the enjoyment of Him by daily taking in His life imparting Word. Thank you for letting me share my struggle with you all in this safe place. Praise the Lord. He is the victorious One in us.


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#188257 - 10/21/07 04:27 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: dwchan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Danny,

First of all it's good to see you back on the site. It's always great to see someone come back and I hope MS will be able to help and support you.

I think you need to know that you're not alone in feeling troubled by the issue of masturbation. So many of us received negative messages from parents and religious circles about what is really a very normal and healthy practice. I think that's important to bear in mind: almost all boys do it and many adult men continue to some extent or another. That's not to minimize your own feelings; each of us have to decide what we think and what we will do. Just bear in mind that there's nothing inherently dirty or sinful about masturbation.

What's a huge problem for so many guys is how their feelings about masturbation have been contaminated by associations with abuse. It's rough when you learn about it from the abuser and have your first orgasm and ejaculation with him, all while listening to and believing his lies. And then, as in your case too, it leads on to other sexual things and a whole set of new problems.

It doesn't surprise me to hear that this is interfering with your enjoyment of sex now, or that your head gets filled up with unwanted images. I know you sought help with this in the past - how did that work out? I really think this is the way forward, but in addition, try to separate sex from abuse - the fact that both involve masturbation doesn't change the fact that they are really two different things.

Try also to be open about your feelings and fears with your wife. That's rough too - believe me, I know! But I have always found that openness and honesty take away a lot of the power of things that shame and trouble us. It ought to help you a lot if you know you are understood and won't be judged as you struggle with this issue.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#188339 - 10/22/07 07:31 AM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: roadrunner]
pietie Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/23/07
Posts: 326
Loc: South Africa
Danny

As to the prayer part, I will keep you in my prayers.

As for your struggle. I identify with so much you are saying in your post. For a very long time in my marraige my wife should not have even touched me in a sexual way. She has never seen me M and we have never done it together. To me it still feels dirty. She once wanted to satisfy me orally and when she only got close to my privates I freaked and she didnt do it. To me it felt dirty and if my wife would do it she would in a way also be made dirty by doing it. Thats how I felt and still feel.

The last time I was abused my perp also started slowly. First taking my hand and letting me "feel" him. This was a so called "councillor" in church. Later one it came down to mutual Masturbation. He too was an expert on this issue and knew exactly what to do. I actually felt stupid and he introduced me to ways of M that made me want to go through the roof. And then it went on to oral stimulation. So he took it one thing at a time, conditioning me for the next step.

I havent sorted out my spirituality vs. the masturbation issue. I do know that I will not condemn myself for it (easier said than done I know) but by condemning myself I just add more pressure to me coping.

So again you are not alone!! And WB.

_________________________
Not Perfect, just forgiven

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#188345 - 10/22/07 08:38 AM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: roadrunner]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6397
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: roadrunner

What's a huge problem for so many guys is how their feelings about masturbation have been contaminated by associations with abuse. It's rough when you learn about it from the abuser and have your first orgasm and ejaculation with him, all while listening to and believing his lies. And then, as in your case too, it leads on to other sexual things and a whole set of new problems.


This weekend we realized that everything I know and do with regard to sex was learned in those years of the abuse and subsequent years of acting-out. I cant even imagine what the "normals" have with regard to the lack of shame, guilt, etc.

I feel like a huge recovery mile-marker was reached just through realizing that.

Good post Danny! Thanks for bringing this up.

_________________________
Wish You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#191817 - 11/18/07 04:52 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: Still]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I think that most boys who mb, think they are indeed w*nkers!
Just like their friends who think he is a weirdo to not go out with girls who really fancy him!

I had mega trouble with that one, with friends thinking the unthinkable about me.
(Compulsive)Mb is part of learned behaviour, and it possible to unlearn it.

Breaking the compulsion that cathartic in controlling just how much you break the habit, and learn that mb is not so sinful.

Think about it in the context of the things that were denied all those years ago.

Denying your response to sex with your body, is denying yourself of your own humanity, and the ability to function spiritually as your own self.

I did my penance for this, many years ago, and I guess you did.
So, out with the past, and in with the new.
Take away the guilt that was never yours, or ours,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#191916 - 11/19/07 06:43 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame *DELETED* [Re: reality2k4]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
Post deleted by Amanda_D

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#191919 - 11/19/07 07:20 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame *DELETED* [Re: Amanda_D]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Post deleted by MarkK


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#191940 - 11/19/07 08:41 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: MarkK]
Amanda_D Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/30/07
Posts: 62
Loc: Great Lakes State Michigan is ...
I would think it would be God's perspective.

Or maybe your own as well...But who is to say that someone can put it into perspective. I think it matters on your situation. Like my husband...part of his abuse was masterbation, he was trained to do this. It was a problem for him all through his life. And it affected his spirituality.

I found this information! If the choice of words that were used don't sound right...I am very sorry. I just hope that to somebody it may help.

_________________________
"Just Breath" Your here and that makes all the difference!.....(wife of a surviver, trying to survive as well!) Here to get some answers and support...Here to do what I can to be a hearing ear.....Thankyou to all of you, ahead of time!

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#193905 - 12/05/07 01:45 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: Amanda_D]
teri916 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 5
Loc: ?
Hello, I am reading your posts. Would you read what I just posted in the Family section..about my husband and myself. It seems I can do nothing right when it come to touching him. I have just now begun to wonder if he was abused. I always thought he had low libido


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#210325 - 03/12/08 04:35 PM Re: Masturbation, Ejaculation and Shame [Re: teri916]
JT's the Man Offline
Guest

Registered: 02/21/08
Posts: 41
This weekend we realized that everything I know and do with regard to sex was learned in those years of the abuse and subsequent years of acting-out. I cant even imagine what the "normals" have with regard to the lack of shame


That is such a true phrase... I hope the memebers of this site are reading these posts!!!!!

JT


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