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#193902 - 12/05/07 01:18 PM Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido
teri916 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 5
Loc: ?
Hello,

I have some questions. I have been married for 5 years and my husband has always had low libido. I alway thought he just had a low desire...and I was extremely disappointed.

He doesn't really make much expression when he have sex, he has flinched when I have kissed him. He hates having his chest touched or his shoulders touched.

He has never had an orgasm through intercourse, oral sex or through my manipulating his penis with his hands. He can bring himself to orgasm through masterbation. I am not a prude, but I just hate it when he does that...I suppose it is because I want to be involved. When he is masterbating he gets mad if I touch him. So I feel extremely left out. He can manually masterbate me to orgasm..and he really likes that, and he will even smile when I cum..so I told him, that I would like to be able to do the same for him. Well, everything has to be just right. I have to touch him just correctly, and if I don't he gets frustrated and mad with me which spoils any "magic."

I have been married before and sex was always fun and most of the time a great comfort. I felt so loved after sex. Now...he makes it seem like a chore. He has to work himself up for it. AND he has stopped in the middle of sex to go to the kitchen to eat...and he doesn't bother to come back.

I just always thought something was wrong biologically and I have asked him to go for help. Right before Thanksgiving I showed him some papers I had printed out of a psychologist who helps couples. He said he would get a divorce before he would go. I thought about leaving him..and saying...okay, I've been with you 5 years. But I wanted to see my family for Thanksgiving...so I said nothing and we went on our trip.

Fast forward to last weekend. We had sex on Friday...and it was really not good. He made no noise, no eye contact...I gave him oral sex...In the morning he said he liked it...but it was like he was a zombie....i tried grabbing his hand for a squeeze and his and his hand went stayed kinda limb...it was so upsetting...not the first time but this time I phoned my friend and told her about it...she thought maybe he had been abused.

well the next morning, much to my surprise he wanted sex. and it seemed okay...then he got really mad at me for "talking" I was on the verge of an orgasm with his fingers...and I was whispering his name and saying "I am on the verge of cumming." He shamed me! I have always had a healthy sexual attitude...

So what do you people think? Do you think he has been abused.

I cried when he shamed me...and I couldn't talk about it. But last night I told him how much he hurt me..and asked if anyone shamed him..he said no.

We usually fight whenever I try to talk about our sex life, so I dread bringing it up. But I do....because I get so frustrated.


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#193909 - 12/05/07 01:52 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: teri916]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Teri916:

This appears to be a very big issue. I believe it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist on your own. A professional counselor could guide you in the proper direction. As far as if you husband was abused or not, without him disclosing it would just be a guess. If abuse is the issue surrounding his sex drive, he may not be ready to face this as of yet.

Aside from your sex life not being anywhere near you would like it to be, are there other ways in which your husband shows you he cares?
Sometimes we draw conclusions based on our former experiences and everyone is different, some present unusual quirks. How important is this sort of intimacy to you? Does your husband realize how distressed you truly are about this...how his behavior has hurt your feelings?
Communicate this to him...relationships go both ways and both must work together to find a common ground. Good luck in this.
Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#193913 - 12/05/07 02:03 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: sweet-n-sour]
teri916 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 5
Loc: ?
Thank you. I am thinking about your post


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#193921 - 12/05/07 04:23 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: teri916]
teri916 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 5
Loc: ?
A good sex life is very important to me. It is an important part of marriage. It is like the mortar of a brick house.


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#193927 - 12/05/07 04:36 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: teri916]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear teri916:

I do very much understand how you feel in this. Was he sexually aloof when you were dating him as well? (or had this changed since you were married?

S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#193930 - 12/05/07 04:59 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: sweet-n-sour]
teri916 Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 5
Loc: ?
The sex was not the greatest, but you know we are both kinda religious and conservative in our moral values...not our politics.

So I thought he had guilt feeling for having sex outside of marriage and he would relax after we were marriage.

I did try to get out of the marriage...but he begged me to marry him. He said he would do anything if I married him.

After being married for 3 months, I got very angry with him and told him the lack of amount of sex we were having was not normal. He told me that he was a "normal" person.

We had both been so incredibly lonely. In fact that is about the sweetest, "sweet nothing" he has ever complimented me with...he said, "Oh, Teri, I was so lonely before we got married." I wanted to reply..."I was lonely too...but I am so disappointed."
But I didn't say that. For months I thought he was gay..but I am sure he is not. Then I thought low hormones...but he refuses to go for help. He hates MDs


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#193999 - 12/06/07 05:02 AM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: teri916]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear Teri916:

You seem to be in a predicament. If seeing a therapist is doable for you, I strongly recommend it. Maybe if you go, your husband will come to realize it is a postive step towards better and follow your lead.
Life is too short than to be spent in a state of unhappiness...but when a person gets married, I feel they should exhaust every avenue before making any sort of life changing decision. I realize sometimes it can all become overwhelming and we may lose heart...that is the human-ness in us. A counselor would be your best bet in helping you find the best path forard in what you have described.

Best wishes,
S-n-S

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#194496 - 12/08/07 08:23 PM Re: Newbie here with question: Husband has low libido [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6509
Loc: Terminus
If you are asking does he sound like a CSA survivor??? I think YES...cuz my wife could have writen every word you wrote above.

_________________________
When the phone don't ring, I'll know its you.

The Aftermath Video

My Absolute Hero!

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