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#19415 - 05/10/06 05:34 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Rehabilitate?! They will always pose a threat. Harsh punishments? They get fed and clothed, receive medical care, watch TV etc.. You and I pay that for them to do that. That is little satisfaction. Is life in prison difficult for them, yes! That is least of my concerns. Are some raped in prison and beaten, yes. Most should enjoy the return of affection, to bad if they don't. In California they are segregated from the regular prison population and enjoy playing basketball together in a safe environment. I did not get that safe environment, did you? To worry about the hashness of punishments they receive is ridiculous. As many times as I was raped and prostituted through the years I did not go out and continue the pattern of abuse. I turned it on myself.

What is so damn special about the word "Perp"? Does it sound kinder and gentler? Are we that damn politically correct that we cannot identify them for what they are...Pedophiles and Child Molesters/Rapists. This society has spent enough time turning there heads to the problem, looking away because they do not want to admit that these things happen. In this forum I would never have expected a dumb down for the sake of not wanting to offend or make others feel uncomfortable.

_________________________
James Fox

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#19417 - 05/10/06 06:19 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
You have to compare apples to apples. You cannot take one rare instance and apply it to all. Once you are in your late teens and into adulthood you are accountable period. His offenses at 11 are sad but the conviction shows intent.

My comments are based on the 99% of pedophiles and child molesters and rapists that are out there. You can't take an isolated instance and use that as a discussion point. The majority are never changed. That is fact! To hell with there crocidile tears. They will not find sympathy or empathy at my feet. They are only upset because the got caught. They were not very remorseful when they were doing the deed. Look at the broader picture and stop trying to make silk out of a sow's ear.

_________________________
James Fox

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#19418 - 05/10/06 06:34 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
SS - yes I did speak out, as many of those that have been here for a while know! It ended in court this year!

Jacob - I can understand that the case you refer to may be different to those that most of us have expereinced! I can see that there may be some differences when it is a young person that is the perp, the level of understanding will be different to that of an adult perp.

I really only know the circumstances of my own case, and that is the only one that I can fully comment on! I do however believe that I could never forgive an adult that stole a child's right to a 'normal' childhood.

Breaking the cycle - why did we not repeat the cycle?

In this country, the judiciary and government have experimented for too long by pandering to the criminals. The result is that we are rapidly loosing the tolerant society that we once had. There are more people now, than ever before that believe they can just take anything they want, from anyone they want. They know they will not suffer for doing so! Stuff teh criminals (literally wouldn't be such a bad thing for some of them).

When people go to prison, they should not have better living conditions than the people they have mugged, raped, robbed or even worse! Should they repeat offend, they should only receive the bare necessities in prison, without parole!

Parole Officers in my experience are just a bunch of do gooders that find excuses for criminals - they don't give a damn about the victims of crime! I could go on at length... but you either already have the same opinion as myself, or you don't. I'm not looking for converts!

Best wishes ...Rik

Best wishes,...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#19419 - 05/10/06 08:48 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
I agree with Nobby in that our lives need to be about more than just vengeance and retribution. Personally, I feel ambivalence toward the individuals that were my victimizeers. Both of them are dead and gone, and for that I am glad, but somehow I can't find it within myself to fill my heart with hatred of them. I do hate what they did to me, I mourn it even, but I cannot hate. It is poison.

I, too, find myself wondering about the innocent child that Jimmy or taxi guy once were and mourn the fact that they also had to have had their lives devastatingly shattered in order to be able to do the things to me that they did.

Let's do everything we can to break the cycle, guys. If that means abandoning the perps to rot in prison, so be it. If that means educating the public in regards SA, let's do it. If it means confronting the perps wherever they happen to be, let's' do it. And, dare I say it, if that means shedding a few tears with a perp who is genuinely sorry for his actions, let's do it if we are able.

My $0.02 worth.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#19420 - 05/10/06 09:33 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
If we take cops and all other authority out of the equation.
What are we left with?

If I take what Jacob said out of this thread.
This foster kid was locked up without being assessed the way he should have been.

So he goes through an offender institute for something he did not have complete control over.
Imagine the scenario, where an abused boy, takes it out on a perp and damages him.

The boy gets locked up, cops ask him why he did it, and they hit a wall of silence.
That is the tell-tale sign that the boy may have been abused by his victim, will the cops realise?
NO!

Look how many young guys in here who were locked up with nobody to listen, and even if they do listen, they do not know the hurt of abuse, only we do.

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#19421 - 05/10/06 10:14 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Let me take this thread back to my original post. I am not arguing that it is ok to feel sorry for perps, I just found myself feeling sorry for one, and I was wondering at where these feelings were coming from.

I have to admit I am a bit shocked at some of the responses I have gotten. I did not want this to become yet another "hurt the perps" thread, or a discussion of semantics, but an open discussion of these feelings. Judging by the number of members who have PMed me to say they also have similar feelings, I don't think I am unique in feeling this way towards the perps. So I will again ask the members who are arguing that I am wrong to feel this way the question that they keep avoiding. If your perp was absolutely sincere in his regret, how would you feel about that? You do not need to post your answers, however, I would respectfully ask those who would have a negative answer and would like to post it to please explain why you would feel this way.

I am asking this because nobody has yet given me a convincing argument to hate my perp if he shows true remorse. And my intent at the beginning of this thread was to gain a better understanding of my own feelings, so I am very interested in understanding how others feel.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#19422 - 05/10/06 11:55 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nobby,

Quote:
If your perp was absolutely sincere in his regret, how would you feel about that?
Like so many things, I think this one will get a lot of different answers since we are all different people, have different experiences with abuse, and have to find our own ways to heal.

I personally think it's a good idea to think about this and I'm glad you started the thread.

Your question seems remote to me, since the man who abused me died in 1994. The way I feel is that he means nothing to me; I need all my emotional resources for myself, my family, my friends and my students. But if the perp were still alive I can imagine I would see things very differently.

I think I would find it difficult to be impressed by expressions of remorse, since he also abused my best friend and other boys in the Scout troop, and who knows how many others that I will never know about.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#19423 - 05/11/06 12:21 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
deleted for privacy.
sorry,
kurt

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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#19424 - 05/11/06 01:22 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
*****TRIGGERS*****

I think there is a difference between feeling sorry for a perp and having a sense of compassion.

I have a relative who is in the Federal penitentiary in Victorville, CA for sexually abusing his wife's son who was conceived as the result of an illicit affair she had. He lives every day if fear that the inmates there will find out the reason for his incarceration and kill him.

I don't feel sorry for him in that regard. What he is experiencing is a direct result of his evil actions against an innocent child. I do however have a certain amount of compassion for the little boy in him that is still crying out in pain over the evil that was perpetrated on him by his dysfunctional family.

Does that lessen, or should it lessen his punishment? Not on your life. He made a deliberate choice to fuck that little boy repeatedly and post the pictures of it on the internet. He has it coming, whatever "it" may turn out to be.

OK, now I've shared another $0.02 worth so my allotment is used up.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#19425 - 05/11/06 03:17 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
SexSlave wrote:
Quote:
My comments are based on the 99% of pedophiles and child molesters and rapists that are out there. You can't take an isolated instance and use that as a discussion point. The majority are never changed. That is fact!
I could ask you where you got that figure but it is inaccurate. Recidivism rates for sexual abusers as a whole are quite low (though I believe that any recidivism is totally wrong and bad for the person who is abused.)

Fact is that the overwhelming majority of abusers who get sex offense-specific treatment do not repeat their offenses. There is ample research on this and you can go to http://www.csom.org, (sponsored by the Office of Justice Programs, U.S. Department of Justice.)

Emotional reaction to sexual abuse is understandable. You didn't ask to be abused and the abuse was damaging to you (or else you wouldn't be here). Everyone has his own route to healing. If someone chooses to forgive or at least recognize that not all abusers are pedophiles (a clinical term that does not mean that everyone who abuses a child is a pedophile) or rapists, that is their choice.

Although I am in agreement that developmentally, a child or adolescent who abuses is different from an adult (and should be treated differently), not all adults who abuse are habitual or untreatable.

I have treated and/or evaluated several thousand sexual abusers ranging from 10 to 80 over the years. While most are treatable (and some don't really need treatment) it is only a small percentage who are dangerous and likely to reoffend.

How you choose to feel about abusers is your call. If you want to hold onto anger and contempt that is your business. If you choose to forgive your perpetrator, that is your decision.

Understand that society treats sexual abusers harshly. If you think that is just punishment, that is your opinion. From my perspective of wanting to help keep children and vulnerable adults safe, I know that stigmatizing abusers, forcing them to move, become homeless, lose jobs and stability is counterproductive in promoting safety in the community. (That is another posting).

I just wanted to clarify an opinion that is not based on any recognized research.

Ken


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