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#19403 - 05/09/06 02:48 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
I recently heard a wonderful interpretation given to Forgiveness:

It is giving up the hope that the past would be any different. It is acceptance of the past, and then moving on knowing that it is over.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#19405 - 05/09/06 05:24 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
abuse is no excuse in fact as with us our abuse made it impossible for us to be abusers. past abuse is no excuse. shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#19407 - 05/09/06 05:57 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
As far as I am aware, the perv that groomed and abused me never cried any of the times he got arrested (not even for himself).

He still denies doing anything. He still smirks his way around town. Don't think I'll be forgiving him, or shaking his hand any time soon! I'd rather shake his neck!

Best wishes....Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#19408 - 05/09/06 09:50 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Perp or criminal? Lets look at them for what they are. They are pedophiles and child molesters. Don't change the name to give them any validity. Call them what the are. A nicer name will not make what happened any nicer or make the act any prettier.

_________________________
James Fox

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#19409 - 05/09/06 09:56 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Rik,

Have you spoken out to identify this man for what he is. Don't think that he stopped with you!

_________________________
James Fox

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#19410 - 05/09/06 10:00 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Nobby,

Have no sympathy nor empathy for a pedophile, child molester/rapist. When you start to feel that away think about him doing this to your children or neices and nephews. You will not feel sorry for him any more.

_________________________
James Fox

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#19411 - 05/09/06 10:56 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
sexslave Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/05/06
Posts: 16
Loc: Texas
Rik,

Interesting you used the word "groomed". I was put into that position as well, no pun intended. I was very well trained.

_________________________
James Fox

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#19412 - 05/09/06 11:40 PM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
jesse7 Offline
Member

Registered: 04/26/06
Posts: 105
Loc: AZ
Quote:
Originally posted by reality2k4:
I learned to forgive, not really to save perps, but to save me from more hurt.
I think Ste makes a good point. I feel I've been killing myself from the inside because I refuse to let some things go. In fact, I don't want to let them go--I can't. It's who I've become.

I literally spend hours and hours alone thinking about my abuse and how I never experienced being loved and how my family was cruel to me. I've spent so much time doing this that it's become my favorite hobby and career. That's where all my energy and time go into--I have no identity of my own. I do not know who I am because I've convinced myself I am what my memories tell me. (For those philosophically inclined: the I that thinks is not the same as the I that is.)

My memories range from being raped to seeing my mother try to commit suicide in front of me. Most of these happened while I was very young. Yet for all their terror, these things aren't happening right now. These happened in my distant past but those memories are slowly killing me now, not my abusers.

What happened was terrible, unjust, and inhuman. But what happened is over now and it's time for me to move on and to go live my life. It's bad enough that he took my childhood from me but why should I give him the rest of my life? He's taken so much already. Not just the obvious like relationships and self-worth but even the little things like not feeling okay in public or being ashamed to use a public urinal.

The last time I saw my abuser he had a stroke and is now partially paralyzed on the right side. Before that, he had clogged arteries and needed a quadruple bypass. Now he can't even walk without losing his breath and he needs a cane. This man who can't even walk nor speak is the same man who once dominated my world. It boggles my mind--yet like some piece of wood, I feel nothing.

Jesse

_________________________
What lies before us and what lies behind us is nothing compared to what lies within us

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#19413 - 05/10/06 02:23 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5773
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Jesse makes a good point:
Quote:
I literally spend hours and hours alone thinking about my abuse and how I never experienced being loved and how my family was cruel to me. I've spent so much time doing this that it's become my favorite hobby and career. That's where all my energy and time go into--I have no identity of my own. I do not know who I am because I've convinced myself I am what my memories tell me. (For those philosophically inclined: the I that thinks is not the same as the I that is.)
Abuse, especially in families that are abusive sexually or in other ways, or are not supportive when the abuse comes from out of the family, contributes to the damage. It is usually more complex than the "hate the perp" feelings that some people have.

Abusers come in different packages. While all have done some damage to their victims, there is a difference between those who show no remorse and those who feel guilt for what they've done. Those who can only see them as monsters who have no redeeming qualities and paint that picture on all abusers do little to help those who had relationships with their perpetrators and may have ambivalent feelings towards them. The degree of denial versus remorse may be a factor in a person's definition of self or how they define their victimization and relationship to the abuser or the family.

I'm not suggesting that survivors should like or love their perpetrators because of their relationships with them prior to or after the abuse. I'm only saying that not everyone looks at the abuse or the abuser the same way. That may be hard for those who want to demonize the abuser but bear in mind that people have different reactions to the abuse and the abuser.

This is a controversial area that people here have debated for the 10 or so years I've been here. I recognize this position may be controversial but if it helps generate some discussion and perhaps some changes in position based on what is written here, it may be worth it.

I truly believe, working with abusers and survivors for more than 25 years, that being open to new ideas can help healing and growth. So, even if your first reaction is to condemn or criticize a position different from your own, sit back and read the experience and positions of others as a way for healing.

Ken


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#19414 - 05/10/06 04:08 AM Re: Feeling bad for my perp
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
I see it this way. Newborn babies are not pedophiles or murderers or robbers. They are born innocent. Something happens along the way to some of them and it makes them do evil things. I personally don't believe in the "nature" theory; that people are born evil; I honestly think that criminals are a product of their environment.

Therefore, all people, even perps, are born innocent, and, despite what they may become later, I can't forget that for at least one time in their lives, the perps were as innocent as I was when I was born.

The real crime is not so much what the individual perps are doing. It is the horrific cycle of abuse that keeps turning innocent, happy babies into criminals and abusers. Somehow we must stop this cycle. And I don't think the answer to stopping it is hate and anger. Like the movie says, anger leads to the Dark Side. Anger and abuse are what turned the perps into what they are, and I fear that it would turn me into something I wouldn't like if I allowed anger and hate to rule me.

So when I say I feel sorry for my perp, yes, I am assuming his tears are real. I fully understand that they may not be real and that he might be faking it. However, if they real tears; coming from that hidden shred of an innocent child left within my perp, what do I become if I ignore those tears and continue to hate him? Do we not owe it to ourselves and humanity to reach out to that innocent child, and in failing to do so, do we also fail humanity?

And just as a disclaimer, this does not mean in any way that I condone my perp's crimes. I just feel that instead of harsh punishments, maybe justice might be better served if we tried to reach through and allow the perps the opportunity to rehabilitate themselves, and in so doing, end the cycle of abuse. If the perps are unable to rehabilitate, that I completely support measures such as removing them from public life, as they would pose too much of a threat to children if allowed to be at large.

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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